GWU: FBI to Boxing

So I really need help with this since it's due today, any advice greatly appreciated! Critique for Critique!

I had this posted on another thread which for some reason got deleted...so yeah this has been revised once.

Attach an essay of no more than 500 words indicating what most influenced you to apply to The George Washington University (required of all applicants). If you are applying to an accelerated or special program, also explain why you are interested in this program at GW.

My motto in life has always been "one opportunity can lead to a thousand experiences." I believe that George Washington University is one of those opportunities. Located in the nation's capitol and possessing a highly regarded academic system, I know the University is full of opportunities for me to take advantage of.

One of the first things I noticed about George Washington was its international attitude, something I greatly respect. I know that I could benefit from this, as I believe that having a global perspective is the best way to view and learn things from. In the ninth grade, I came across a Zen Philosophy book, and fell in love with the theories and concepts within its pages. Ever since then, I've had a passion for philosophy, reading anything from logic to ethics to ontology. I loved learning new ideas and how they relate to the real world. At George Washington University, I could pursue my passion by majoring in Philosophy, and I would also learn how philosophy relates to the world on a global scale. I could use the knowledge I learn from the University to pursue a career in the justice system, which I have recently become very interested in. Most notably, I have become greatly interested in a career working for the F.B.I. After hearing of the University's accessible and prestigious internship programs, I could definitely see myself applying for an internship at the J. Edgar Hoover building, taking advantage of options such as the Federal Work Study program.

When I learned of George Washington's Study Abroad program, I was intrigued because education in another country and culture would be an amazing experience, something that could change my life. I'd be especially interested into going to Israel or China, because both are countries rising in national significance and both happen to be offered by the University.

The University's TRAiLS program fascinated me, its weekly plans and events are activities I'd have a strong desire to be a part of. I've always loved to go camping, fishing, and backpacking, and would be thrilled to participate in activities where I could do go out and experience nature.

When I researched the University's student organizations and clubs, I was shocked to see the length of the list. During high school I was on the varsity wrestling team, and before then I had trained in the disciplines of Karate and Judo. Because of my love for martial arts, I was especially interested in the Karate and Boxing clubs at George Washington, where I could develop my martial arts skills and meet others who enjoy the same things as me.

So with George Washington University offering all these amazing opportunities, how could I just pass them up?

My motto in life has always been "one opportunity can lead to a thousand experiences." George Washington University is to me, the opportunity of all opportunities. (Perhaps you could use different phrasing...cream of the crop?)

Ever since the ninth grade I've loved reading and learning about philosophy. I can't get enough of its theories and concepts, and how they relate the real world ( This is very vague...consider revising)

Wow, you really researched George Washington University. They should be impressed. I love your introduction. You don't want to start sentences with "Being," though, or end with prepositions. Your second paragraph is a little messy. You start out talking about international attitude but don't quite transition into philosophy. I was confused until I read farther.

If you have more time, I would spend it making it sound more like you. You use a lot of buzz words and phrases like "use the knowledge I learn" and "I have become greatly interested in" and "pursue my passion" and "see myself" which makes the essay seem sort of wordy.

George Washington University is to me, the opportunity of all opportunities. Being located in the nation's capitol and possessing a highly regarded academic system, the University has much to offer me. Cliche

I know that I could benefit from this, as I believe that having a global perspective is the best way to view and learn things from . Ever since the ninth grade, I've loved reading and learning about philosophy. I can't get enough of its theories and concepts, and how they relate to the real world. At George Washington University, I know I could pursue my passion by majoring in Philosophy and with the University's international attitude, I would learn how philosophy relates to the world on a global scale. I could use the knowledge I learn from the University to pursue a career in the justice system, which I have recently become very interested in. Most notably, I have become greatly interested in a career working for the F.B.I.

This should be in a new paragraph, right? I put all the programs together in one paragraph.

After hearing of the University's great- what does that even mean? how about prestigious internship programs ...
When I learned of George Washington's Study Abroad program, I knew that it was something I'd definitely be interested in,was intrigued because educationas being educated in another country and culture would be a priceless experiencesomething less cliche -a memory I would retell to my grandchildren? .

I also became interested you use this word a lot, how about the TRAILS program also fascinated me because... in the TRAiLS program, because I also love to be in the outdoors and experiencing nature. I've always greatly enjoyed camping, fishing, and backpacking, and would love to participate in activities where I could do go out and explore nature.

When I also researched the University's student organizations and clubs, andI was shocked to see how long the list wasthe length of the list . During high school I was on the varsity wrestling team, and before then I had participated in -fought my friends in Karate and Judo. Because of my love for martial arts, I was especially interested in the Karate and Boxing clubs at George Washington, where I could continue with some of my favorite activities and meet others who enjoy the same things as me.

So with George Washington University offering all these amazing opportunities, how could I just pass them up?

Haha, I like your last line. You sound unique -a philosophical jock. :)

Okay so I've revised it, can anyone take time to read it? It's due today, so I don't have much time. Thanks!

Oh yeah, and if you want me to critique back, please leave a note saying so.

I know that I could benefit from this, as I believe that having a global perspective is the best way to view and learn things. from.

I love learning new ideas and how they relate to the real world.

I could use the knowledge I gain from the University to pursue a career in the justice system, which I have recently become very interested in.

I'd be especially interested into going to Israel or China, because both are countries rising in national significance and both happen to be offered by the University.This sentence is confusing. Study abroad programs are offered?

I've always loved going camping, fishing, and backpacking, and would be thrilled to participate in activities where I could do go out and experience nature.

... where I could develop my martial arts skills and meet others who enjoy the same things as I do .