"hand-picked" for a career: honestly critique my admissions essay

This is the prompt:In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service. Remember to keep within the 500-word maximum length.

Ok here's my essay:

Have you ever felt that you were "hand-picked" for a career? I mean deep in your heart and soul, you become certain that the career path you have chosen is your destiny. Well this is the love and passion that I share for Sociology and counseling.

I often ponder if my deep affection for the subjects was the result of the many adolescent years I spent only existing? Or did it come about after Dr. Burns diagnosed that that the only psychological disorder I ever suffered was a being caterpillar waiting to beautifully blossom. Either way, I was yet another woman encamped by a popular monster known as Low-Self Esteem.

Descending from an African American Heritage; we as a whole are commonly of a more voluptuous weight; we're adorned with darker shades of skin, with larger lips and even funny accents. However this is not just a dilemma gated by the African American Culture, it's one embraced by woman of all ethnic backgrounds. Women all over are being hinder, feeling inadequate because current Media and trends have socialized our population into believing that beauty should meet some sort of standard. Corrupted standards that made me afraid to perform in school plays or feel uneasy to run for student body president.

Perpetual sessions with Dr. Burns have positively changed my self-concept. I've discerned that true beauty goes beyond appearance. My beauty symbolizes: Who I am in this world, the abundant amounts of knowledge I will absorbed, and the number of people I can help.

All that I have been through as a progressing woman into today's society, I am confident that I will be a prominent asset to the University of Florida. I feel as though I have the innovation and personality to initiate a motivational group with young women. I can use my experiences to positively affect students I interact with during classroom activities or that I encounter by my involvement in extra-curriculum activities.

Thankfully, life has uncovered that some experiences will prove to be meaningless, while others will forever be embedded in your heart. At the University of Florida I am dedicated to embarking my journey to becoming pronounced Counselor helping another young woman uncover their talents, as Dr. Burns helped me.

About the first paragraph, it sounds nice and all, but not for a college entrance essay. Try to see if you can make it not a question, but a more personal statement about sociology and counseling.


I don't quite get the last part of this sentence. Clarify
Who is Dr. Burns? encamped sounds strange. you don't have to capitalize low self-esteem


Again, I am puzzled. you place clauses together to describe, is it yourself?

Ok, I finished reading through the essay, and I now see what you tried to say. My advice for you, clarify what event, experience, or accomplishment you went through. Connect who you are with what you experienced. Unless you are truly affected by your ethnicity and its stereotypes, you don't have to state them here. You don't truly answer all of the prompt. Remember to look back at it when you write

...the love and passion that I share feel for sociology and counseling. (now add a sentence that tells specifically what you would like to do for work and what your specialty will be, and perhaps what schools of thought you favor in psychology (i.e. tell about your special approach to sociology.)

Oh, I see what Jon means about that first para. Like..you say, "I mean deep in your..." but I almost think this is okay because it is so natural and full of vitality. Yet, maybe Jon is right. That prude! How about a formal introduction that concisely tells your plan and what you expect to accomplish in college and in your career.

...experiences to positively affect students with whom I interact during classroom activities or extra-curriculum activities.

Yes.. so revise that intro to be "all business" and see how you like it. Tell the reader clearly that you want to help people by empowering them and giving them the resources to work with confidence toward healing and happiness. Tell what you want to do every day as a professional when you become a social worker.

:-)