I'm having trouble with a thesis for my essay "the most impacting moment in my life"

I got the call at two 'o' clock in the morning. Almost asleep, so I decided not to answer. That's

when the text appeared on my phone "please call... it's an emergency". My heart immediately

sunk into the pits of my stomach as I expected the worst. The phone rang again... I answered to

my best friend Nicole's crying voice with the words of "Nick's dead". Those two words haunt me to

this day as they play over and over in my head with the horrific and desperate sound of her voice.

She has lost her one and only brother, as I have lost my one and only first love. My life was going

to change in ways I have never experienced and never expected to at such a young age.

into the pits pit of my stomach as I expected the worst.

Less is moire, take out the name: my best friend's Nicole's crying voice with the words, "N ick's dead."

Less is more, take out the unnecessary, distracting words: She has had lost her one and only brother, as I have had lost my one and only first love.

...to change in ways I have had never experienced and never expected to at such a young age.

I'm sorry for your loss. At times like that it helps to reflect on the fact that we all are going the same route, all of us together, flashing and fading. The thesis for your essay is going to be the "moral of the story." This is good as an intro paragraph, but at the end of the intro paragraph you can try adding a sentence that expresses the lesson to be learned from it. I hope you and the others who knew Nick are able to comfort one another and re-establish your focus. We all go that same route in time, so concentrate now on what you will do for these few decades you'll spend here. 800 months! That's all you get. :-) I hope you are okay.

I like the start, very emotional. I too am sorry with your loss. But make sure you focus the attention on to how you feel and less about others. I know it's selfish in a way, but the admission committee wants to know how it impacted you. And, try your best to end on a positive note and how it has made you grow as a person and has allowed you to have a fresh perspective in mind.

Thank and please review my essay? =]

When you're done with the final draft, let me know.

Thank you guys so much! I have actually finished the essay... well the rough draft! Should I post it here? I'm new at this =)

Yep, post a new draft below! :-)