'headscarf stolen' - Common App activites short answer

It was the last day of freshmen year when Aminah, one of my friends, fell victim to a dare and had her headscarf stolen. She stood in tears; I confronted Luke, the one who had snagged her Hijab, requesting he return it. He snickered and threw it at me in a ball. I took the opportunity to invite his friends to play football with a few of my friends the next Friday afternoon. They accepted, the games continued for three weeks, and it was brutally clear that we lacked the skill to defeat them. That fourth Friday we lost again. This time, however, those who had at first dubbed us "towel heads" formed a line to shake hands. The idea was radical, but in it existed an unimaginable sense of unity. As a first generation American, I have been granted the difficult task of finding equilibrium in the life of a Muslim-American teenager. I created the "Al-Jami' Club" to give my peers a pathway to understanding one another, and it has flourished.

Wow, this is great! You have written an interesting little story that gives the reader a glimpse into your life. You have shown that you are mature and good with people, a trendsetter. Do you have a word-limit on this essay? I feel that it needs more detail, especially at the end. I would like to see another sentence about the club, if you are allowed more word space. Otherwise, this is written nicely, I cannot find any errors, and I think you have done a great job with this paper. Good luck in school! :)

Thank you very much! I totally agree with you, I need to re write it and develop a more personal perspective I think.. 1000 characters including spaces. I will post my re-write soon. Much appreciated!!