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'hearing those silly questions' - Questbridge Essay (Critique)



mforero333 3 / 5  
Aug 9, 2012   #1
Essay #2
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit)

One day at the end of French class, a girl came up to me with a map. I looked down at it and noticed that it was a map of Mexico. Puzzled, I asked her if she needed anything and she responds to me with this: "Where in Mexico is Colombia located?" I stare at her thinking she was kidding, but she stared right back with wide eyes and so I told her that Colombia is a country...and that it is located in South America. This common information seemed to confuse her. She responded saying that she heard it was in Mexico, so I confirmed to her by showing her the actual map of Colombia. This whole situation to me was completely shocking to me, to know that this girl really, truly believed that Colombia is in Mexico. If she believed that, who knows what other things she had "heard"?

Of course when I was asked this, I was dumbfounded, but then again, this wasn't the first time I have been asked something similar to this. I have been asked: "Do you speak Colombian?" "Is there, like, plumbing or ... internet in Colombia?" "How are you Colombian if you're so pale?" Every time I hear a question like this, I think this person must be joking, but the majority of the time, they're not.

As a proud Colombian, of course I knew the answers to those questions because they dealt with my background; therefore I answered them every time as best as I could. At first, I felt slight annoyance for the fact that these questions were even asked but when I really thought about it, I knew that in certain areas, I was no better.

Although, I knew I would never ever ask a question like those out loud, I did know that sometimes these questions did pop up in my mind. That day after French class was the turning point in my life where I decided that learning about other cultures and places is something I want and need to do.

We live in a world where if you hop on a plane and fly across a body of water, you are sure to land in a place where the lifestyles are completely different from where you came from. This is an indication that we, as humans, should learn about other culture because really, that's the only way we can fully understand our world.

Just by hearing those silly questions, I turned my life from being satisfied with my ignorance to working hard to learn what I can to broaden my knowledge. Now, I try to read more, and watch more news; and if I ever do get one of those questions in my mind, I turn to Google. This is only the beginning. After high school, I am hoping I will be able to learn more about global politics, anthropology, human rights and things of that nature and maybe even travel some, so I can really see the world.

I don't know if this is any good...? :( I like the beginning but I feel the endings a little boring...please be brutally honest! thank you!

KhanhZ 5 / 131  
Aug 9, 2012   #2
Hi, Mariana)
In the start essay you use both present and past tenses for narrative -- choose one( better present)
And you use words "question"," ask", "know" and some others too much. Try to replace them with synonyms instead)

One day at the end of French class, a girl came comes up to me with a map. I looked down at examine it and noticed that it was is a map of Mexico.

(like this)

I stare at her , thinking she was kidding

"But I heard it was in Mexico ..." she responded saying that she heard it was in Mexico , so I confirmed torefuted her false notion by showing her the actual map of Colombia.

This whole situationto me was completely shocking to me ; to know that this girl really, truly believed that Colombia is in Mexico was quite perturbing . If she believed that, who knows what other things she had "heard"?

Of course when I was asked this, I was dumbfounded, but then again, this wasn't the first time I have been asked something similar to this. I have been asked :

repetitive

I think this person must be joking, but the majority of the time, they 're not.

not good

I felt slight annoyance for of the fact that people even asked those questions were even askedbut when I really thought about it, I knew that in certain areas, I was no better. ( this part is choppy and better write " while actually I was not that different from them"

We live in a world where if you can hop on a plane and fly across a body of water oceans and seas, you are and be sure to land in a place where the lifestyles are completely different from where you came from.

I am hoping e I will be able

Your feelings didn't fail you, your last para is kinda weak and I think you need to throw in some stronger sentences like "Only after being affected myself have I waked up from my own world of cultural ignorance and narrowed vision. I finally understood that the world doesn't rotate only around me, that blah blah... I won't tolerate that for myself anymore! ...blah blah blah.." you catch my drift, don't you?

Is there a word limit for this essay? The introduction is decent enough, but you could add more details of your embarrassments, annoyances, you know, make your essay more personal so it would attract the reader more.
OP mforero333 3 / 5  
Aug 10, 2012   #3
Alright, I'm gonna fix everything you've said. thank you so soooooo much!
Msx punk 2 / 15  
Aug 10, 2012   #4
It should be "I stared at her" Not stare.. Anyhow it was a great essay!!


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