My heart is for FASION; FIT-Fashion Merchandising/ Perfect candidate

Does this make sense? I am definitely not finished.

What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? We'd like you to tell us in an essay. This is your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments. (No more than 750 words, please.)

Growing up, my family moved several times. Entering a new school in a new town was always nerve-racking. Entering high school in a new town was extremely intimidating. The one thing that I was not fearful of was my fashion class. I had always had a special place in my heart for fashion. This class introduced me to the many fields within the fashion industry. At first I was very interested in the design, but when I realized I did not have the artistic skills needed I decided to take on the business aspect of fashion. I thought if I could not make the clothes to sell in stores I will choose what the stores will sell instead.

A degree in Fashion Merchandising from FIT will allow more opportunities to have an incredible career in the fashion industry than any other college. FIT has the credibility I am looking for in a college. The college I will be transferring from is LIM College.

While attending LIM College I completed a rewarding internship in Bergdorf Goodman's Personal Shopping department. During my internship, I assisted personal shopper Elaine Mack and several others pull and return merchandise. I was able to learn how each shopper had a unique approach to making a sale. This experience allowed me to understand how important it is to know your customer.

During my first semester at LIM I joined the Fashion Club, which produces an annual fashion show. Being behind the scenes of a fashion show for the first time was so exciting. I loved the rush of having to change the models and send them back out on the runway. The following year I was voted Style Director for the 2009 show. I was able to shop the market and meet several great designers and vendors. This experience sparked my interest in styling and trend forecasting.

Although as a high school senior I can really no give much thought about your topic, but from a purely literary point of view, this essay is good, but lacks the personal information that the college seeks.

If the transfer process is the same as the new freshman app, then you need to talk more about your passion for fashion, and tell WHY fashion is special to you.


why was the class special?


so fashion is just your "second choice" or backup after failing in design?


how?


why?


be more precise?

the outline seems good, but you need to explain EVERY SINGLE STATEMENT ABOUT YOUR PSYCHOLOGY. you're happy, why? you're excited, why? you fear, why? you stop fearing, why? if the reader doubts, then he/she will start imagining things that might not be who you are. see where i'm going at?

hope that i helped despite my limited knowledge of the transfer process

I think you essay doesn't really answer the questions asked in the topic.

You just say you love fashion and you are dedicated to fashion.But you don't say why are you interested in it.

The first two sentences are quite irrelevant to the rest.And what are you afraid of ? I know how you want to start your essay.But you should find some better things to say.Additionally, will you also find it intimidating to attend college?

You should move the last two paragraphs above the currently second paragraph.

You really wouldn't need to tell which college you are transferring from.that kinda interrupts the flow.

good point, you only mention that BRIEFLY in the intro


actually, since she talks about the awards (which is great btw, just enough, not too much), she needs the name of the college. Plus that makes it more personal than to say: the college i'm transferring from


true, you never really come back to the moving part. was it immigration? or just a move? one way or the other, irrelevant.


now, she did address to 2/3 of the prompt with her outline


good point. talk about how you overcame the challenge, or the admin's gonna wonder: should i get a student that has fear in change?


actually, you should considering taking out your second paragraph and instead create a conclusion that answers: why choosing FIT? talk about the specific programs. do some research.

Yeah,kinda.The second paragraph should be a conclusion.Since she ain't finished,I thought that moving that two paragraphs would make the current part better.