In 150 Words or less, describe one of your activities in further detail:
VERSION ONE:
During the Global Music Festival I organized for the Emeritus Assisted Living Center, I sang the soulful Carnatic song Endaro, a composition honoring great individuals. As I finished, I felt frail hands softly tap at my shoulders. The sincerest of smiles greeted me.
Howard, a 90-year old textbook of human life, was one of my closest friends at the center. Each visit to the center invoked colorful and vivid stories from the vast annals of his life; closing my eyes, I would vicariously imbibe his rebellious life as a Beatnik or his proud national service during World War 2. We rafted through the ocean of life together, and whenever I had doubts, I could always expect the cogent advice that only a true intellectual could produce. Sadly, Howard passed away from cardiac arrest last year.
That weekend, I sang Endaro to personally honor one of the boldest, sincerest, and wisest men that I had known.
VERSION TWO (Which I like better):
During the Global Music Festival I organized for the Emeritus Assisted Living Center, I sang the soulful Carnatic song Endaro, a composition honoring great individuals. As I finished, I felt frail hands softly tap at my shoulders. The sincerest of smiles greeted me.
Howard, a 90-year old textbook of human life, was one of my closest friends at the center. Each visit to the center invoked colorful and vivid stories from the vast annals of his life; closing my eyes, I would vicariously imbibe his rebellious life as a Beatnik or his proud national service during World War 2. Whether we talked while playing Bingo or eating Dessert, our heartfelt conversations helped me mature as an individual and understand the true value of close human relationships.
The fateful weekend that Howard passed away, I sang Endaro to personally honor the compassionate soul who, in 3 years, transformed a callow boy into an attentive and empathetic adolescent.
I like the second one much better too! It seems much more personal and a little bit more relaxed.
The sincerest of smiles greeted me. This is nice!
Each visit to the center invoked colorful and vivid stories from the vast annals of his life-----How do you feel about , '...the vast annals of the history that was his life', of 'history of his life'?
; New sentence--->Closing my eyes, I would vicariously imbibe his rebellious...
On the fateful weekend that Howard passed away, I sang...
This is beautiful! Good luck in school, and have fun!
:)
Your essay provides a sense of vivid pictures as if I were almost there sitting with you and Howard. Great essay.
Thanks so much for both of your compliments.
One question: I am applying to highly selective schools, such as Harvard, Yale, Wharton etc. If I am applying to Wharton, for example, would this essay be a bad idea since they want to hear about my business activities? Or should I put business activites on my resume and write essays on events close to me and my personality? I feel like the essays should reveal more about you as a person, not what you have accomplished. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!
During the Global Music Festival I organized for the Emeritus Senior Center - i had been preparing for
textbook of human living human life
I now sing Endaro to keep alive the great soul who, in 3 years, transformed a callow boy into a thoughtful and empathetic adolescent. Now i sing Endaro for the transformer of a callow boy into a thoughtful and empathetic adolescent in 3 years.
