Hello readers. I would love to thank you in advance for taking your time to read this. This is my first attempt at my transfer essay to Smith and Mt. Holyoke. Any type of feedbacks are warmly welcomed. I got rejected by a school i really loved recently so please be very strict with the comments so that i can make a solid essay. :) Also i tried to be very honest in the essay. Let me know.
"How the hell do I do it?" "Take it one day at a time?"
I was talking to this puny sized yet ridiculously warm looking lady on an almost empty bus to Ocean beach. She was probably in her late 50s. I was in a less than good mood and to my greatest fear, she started talking to me. After the usual introductions, with a sweet nonchalance, she asked me what I was studying, to which I hesitantly answered, "Ahhh...nothing in particular". Quickly, she then asked me what I wanted to do with my life, to which I replied, "Iiiahhhh...don't know." She raised her head and her eyebrows slightly, in unison. I noticed it. My lips, hurriedly, hibernated inside my mouth, something that happens when I try to smile but fail miserably. And now she noticed it. With a dramatic flair in her voice, the lady said, "You will know when the time is right." And after, what I thought was an awkward silence, she added, "Take it one day at a time."
This piqued me. Not because I had heard it for the first time. God knows how many times I have heard people flaunting clichés whenever I poured away my frustrations over not being able to discover what my vocation was, while everyone else jauntily paraded around me, knowing all the details of their future plans. This particular overrated advice holds a special place in my memory because for the first time, I actually listened to it. For the first time, I confronted myself, someone who was not me. For the first time, I chose to dwell on what I had chosen to ignore before. That day, I was on my way to the beach, determined to lament about my long lost passion but by the time I got there, things had changed. I was even more determined to retrieve it: I decided to take a break.
When the highs of my liberating decisions had diminished, I found myself stupefied, back to square one. I couldn't believe what I was doing. Sitting at the airport like a zombie, stealthily staring at the passersby, I wondered what I would do when I get back home, without a degree, without a plan. But this time, I decided to let it all go. As soon as I got back home, I caught up with life. I continued doing what I passionately believed was worth doing: I started teaching. I taught English language classes and helped my cousin with her Praudh Siksha class for women, an experience that validated what I had already known.
One day when I was having one of my utterly pointless but painfully hilarious conversations with my family, I fixed my attention on my mom. She was smiling, holding a dot pen weakly in her right hand, between her thumb and her index finger. She was elegantly dragging her hand on a piece of paper. After a couple of minutes, she beamed. She demanded everyone's attention and held her page as a matador holds his cape. Then, in a feigned whiff of grandeur, my mother announced that she could now write her full name in both Nepali and in English. Right there and then, I knew what I had to do, or at least where to start from.
I, along with my family, have moved in and out of seven homes and currently residing on our eighth house. But with my college years in Dallas and San Francisco, I win over my family with two more points. Among all this ballyhoo, there has always been one substantial want that has been loyally consistent: my fixation on the society and its milieu. I have witnessed women, in Nepal, beaten down severely, simply for supernatural beliefs. I have watched lofty group of Christians, in Dallas, look down upon others who have different faiths. And I have been blown away by San Francisco's sense of freedom. All these have done nothing but stabilized my desire to explore more societies that the world has to offer, especially the ones in developing countries. And I hope to achieve that by taking on Sociology as my subject of interest. I know that I want to continue dedicating my life towards the betterment of women, like my mom, who have been deprived of the right to learn, and more importantly, to live. If you ask me what I am going to do in the future, I will confidently give you a stern "I don't know." answer. But I will also tell you this. I might not know what I want out of the future but what I do know is what I want out from my present. I am going to toil today, live today and do it all over again tomorrow. I have taken the lady's, now not so silly, advice and decided to take everything one day at a time.
Hi menukagrg!
You said that you wanted strict opinion, so I'd like to be as critical as I could even to a person who acclaimed my essay.
First, you write vividly and provide me with very detailed information about your circumstances! I can never write like you! However, I think it is also your problem. After reading, I had a question about relationship between thesis of your essay and provided details. It is often said that "the shorter, the better." Don't you have limit of words on Common Application?(just I guess) You need to give details that are crucial to what you want to tell. I suggest you make coherent among your details. Specifically, I suppose(just suppose) that first paragraph about your meeting with the old lady is not necessary because you articulated in your essay that such a situation was not rare through your life. And I don't think this part is a key to your conclusion.
Okay, I just pretend to be critic. You have strong ability to write details so vividly, and you must not waste this feature. By taking advantage of it, your essay will be more powerful than those of others. This is just my opinion, so you don't have to worry about it too much though. Thank you again for your comment about my essay. Good luck!
menukagrg
Hi menukagrg!
It's so encouraging after reading your essay. So, if I may venture to suggest you, why not just let all the brothering stuffs go and dive into the style of life you want to? Perseverance will do you a great help, and I firmly bileve you will fianlly overcome all the misfortunes and come true your dreams!
By the way, I am a greenhand of this forum, and I have been making all the adequate preparations for my application for oversea education. Due to the fact that I am not a graduate of top university in China, rejections happened to me for so many times that I just have no idea how many times exactly? However, the road ahead is so bumpy and tough, I want to have every try on every chance that I can smell the possibility. I will abide to my faith and continue my exploration!
Best regards
May you good luck!
Hi kotari Aoki,
First of all, "I can never write like you" ahh, i have read your essay twice, and i think you do. :)
Second of all, i don't know. I am pretty sure there isn't a word limit for transfer essays but 500 - 750 is preferred.(read in about.com something)
The first essay is a bit too long but it is quite important (to me that is) because it is actually when i decided to drop out from school. I will try to think of some way to maybe reduce its length. Cohesiveness is a bit of a problem. The paragraphs and the details make sense in my head but i can see why readers might think it is not. I will see it again. I got lots of time until i submit my essay. But all in all, THANK YOU so much for your critic.
Hi Xia,
I really appreciate the words of encouragement. I definetely need it. haha. It gets a bit frustrating to apply to these schools abroad. Sending things and paying for transcripts and all is a big pain in the ass. Sometimes i think about just quitting everything, then i realize what i want to do and everything looks not-so-bad, for a while.
But thanks again.
Dear Grammar Nazi,
You have no idea how much of a great help you have been. I really appreciate you taking your time to read and make all those corrections. :) Thank you so much.
I will do a revision with your suggestions and pretty much replace my wordings with your corrections. And also think about something else to replace the lofty christian comment.
Thanks again,
Ps. I also love the word "ballyhoo" :)
is there a word limit on this?
No, there isn't. It has a minimum 250 words requirement. But still, schools prefer short and concise essays. So i will have to trim down a bit.
Great work!! You really improved your essay! Now I can understand the flow of the sentence and every meaning quite well( though maybe I could not understand the prior essay well because of my lack of English skill haha )
Only a point that I'd like to question you is this part. "But I will also tell you this. I might not know what I want from the future, but I know instead what I want from my present. I am going to toil today, live today and do it all over again tomorrow. I have taken the lady's now not so silly advice: to take everything one day at a time."
You write "tell you this", so I think you should use quotation mark to dramatize your essay. Since your conclusion is a bit plain, some stimulation is needed, just I think. Anyway, I'm surprised to see your improved essay! Good luck for both of us!
Please read my extracurricular activities essay if you can :)
Point taken. And lots of thanks for your advice. I will definetely read your essay. :)
i like this. I think that this tone really represents what you think. especially the edited one. I loved it when I found out that your mom was writing in both languages, maybe because i'm also nepali. I think the transition to the last paragraph could be smoother. But you're a really good writer, and as reader, I love reading the details, you make me want to read this again. Good luck.
Ya, i do get the feeling that the last paragraph needs more of an "oompH"(whatever the hell that means) but i am out of ideas.
It's great to hear to from another nepali. Where do you live? Oh, and i see you have written an essay. I will definetely check it out.
Thanks for your comment. :)
Hi Menuka!
I revised my essay slightly(though longer one named "COMMON APP JAPAN EARTHQUAKE"), and want to hear your opinion about that. Please help me if if you can... Thank you (:
