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Need Help on Personal Essay (supplement for Columbia)



unclesamv 2 / 4  
Dec 26, 2009   #1
"You have to maintain a fine balance between hope and despair. In the end it's all a question of balance."
-Rohinton Mistry, A Fine Balance

Janak Road smelt putrid. There was a man bathing on the sidewalk, another defecating in an alley, crows feasting on piles of garbage in the middle of the road, and a cobbler beside them. We cautiously paced forward until the cobbler looked up at us. It was a painful sight. Her body was emaciated and her feet insect-bitten; her daily profits of two rupees were not enough for her sustenance. In a hoarse voice, she said something in Bengali and pointed at my shoes. I didn't know what to do. I gave her twenty rupees and continued to walk towards the house.

I had asked my mom to take me to 1 Janak Road. For a while, she had wanted to visit for nostalgic purposes. I wanted to visit to understand 'the past' that is so often thrown around in the Vaidyanathan household. My mom pointed to the house and we walked in. The first room, where my mom and her family of five lived, was a space the size of my bedroom. 1 Janak Road was home to two other families. It felt more like a pigsty then a home.

As the claustrophobia overcame us, we walked outside. I looked up; the clouds were parting and I knew it was going to rain. When I looked back down, a boy of no more than ten stood directly in front of me. He made a cup with his hands and lowered on one knee, begging for 'Chawal'- rice. I couldn't look him in the eye. I gave him whatever I had left, tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. That child could have been me. And he was begging to feed his family instead of playing or going to school.

I looked at mom, my face wet with sweat, tears, and rain. She looked me in the eyes and told me that I should give these children hope rather than despair- the fine balance they sought but that seemed to elude them. My mom was in Calcutta to introduce a scholarship fund for students at Calcutta's National High School. How would I contribute?

Though Janak Road may be 12,000 kilometers away, Downtown Toronto is in walking distance from my house. Call it altruism, but I call it hope. Hope for a boy in a Covenant House shelter; hope for that boy who was trying to feed his family. My hope that no child will live in a shelter or beg. Therein lies the fine balance: hope and despair are intrinsic to one another- we cannot hope for better without some anguish. But what separates the optimist from the pessimist is the view that with

hope and action, we can defeat despair- that the glass is half-full.

It is my personal optimism in the face of despair that fuels my contributions to the community. Whether through Horizons, during which my tutees learn how to play an instrument, or through Holiday Hamper, an initiative that provided 30 families with basic necessities and gifts for the Holiday season- I work so that we never let our despairs overrun our hopes. My contribution may be a speck in the grand scheme of things, but my hope is not. It is contagious- and one day it will amount to change.

EF_Susan - / 2310  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
Your essay is interesting and you're a very good writer. I enjoyed reading it. Here are a few minor things;

For a while, she had wanted to visit for nostalgic reasons .

The first room, where my mom and her family of five had lived, was a space the size of my bedroom.

He made a cup with his hands and lowered onto one knee,..

...downtown Toronto is within walking distance from my house.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Dec 26, 2009   #3
When the claustrophobia overcame us, we walked outside. I looked up; the clouds were

I guess I like it singular rather than plural:
...work so that we never let our despair overrun our hope . My contribution may be only a speck in the grand scheme of things, but my hope is not. It is contagious- and one day it will amount to change. ---> excellent ending! I am glad to be able to give feedback for this essay written by such an excellent person.

thirty instead of 30.

Do you really need to say 1 Janak road, or can you just say Janak Road?

Kind regards!
OP unclesamv 2 / 4  
Dec 27, 2009   #4
My passion to learn can only be satisfied by a school with the caliber of programs and professors that Columbia offers. Columbia's Core allows students to widen their reading- from studying key works such as King Lear to taking an introductory astronomy class. Beyond the Core, Columbia offers its students the opportunity to double major, enabling me to pursue both Political Science and Economics, allowing me to not compromise learning in either field. Incidentally, these departments boast some of the best professors in the world- such as Jagdish Bhagwati, a famous Indian free-market economist.

What do you guys think of this?
Its my answer to why I want to study at Columbia
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Dec 30, 2009   #5
aliber of programs and professors that Columbia offers. Columbia's Core allows students to widen their reading- from studying key works such as King Lear to taking an introductory astronomy class.

This sort of content is always meaningless, because it is the same stuff you see in a brochure. It just really does not help to write like this, praising the school in general ways. Instead, focus on your unique plan. You have an excellent plan, because you want to double major in econ. and pol. sci., and that is very impressive. So write about why this school is the best place to carry out this plan.

Do you know what I mean? You must be very excited about meeting particular professors or contributing to certain programs at the school. It is even good to write about a particular section of the campus bookstore where you want to start a little study group for pol. sci. but do not waste your essay writing the stuff people see on the website or in a brochure. Don't mention Kin Lear. Express your enthusiasm as a scholar who has discovered this great institution at an important time in your process.
nadine83 6 / 17  
Dec 30, 2009   #6
This is a beautifully written essay. I just have a few suggestions.

Janak Road smelt putrid. There was a man bathing on the sidewalk, another defecating in an alley, crows feasting on piles of garbage in the middle of the road, and a cobbler beside them. We cautiously paced forward until the cobbler looked up at us. It was a painful sight. Her body was emaciated and her feet insect-bitten; her daily profits of two rupees were not enough for her sustenance. In a hoarse voice, she said something in Bengali and pointed at my shoes. I [didn't] "did not" (my teacher says to do this for formal essays) know what to do. I gave her twenty rupees and continued to walk towards the house (you might want to clarify whose house it is) .

I had asked my mom to take me to 1 Janak Road. For a while, she had wanted to visit for nostalgic purposes. I, on the other hand, wanted to visit to understand 'the past' that is so often thrown around in the Vaidyanathan household. My mom pointed to the house and we walked in. The first room, where my mom and her family of five had? lived, was a space the size of my bedroom. 1 Janak Road was home to two other families. It felt more like a pigsty then a home.

[As] When the claustrophobia overcame us, we walked outside. I looked up; the clouds were parting and I knew it was going to rain. When I looked back down, a boy of no more than ten stood directly in front of me. He made a cup with his hands and lowered on one knee, begging for 'Chawal'- rice. I couldn't look him in the eye. I gave him whatever I had left, tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. That child could have been me. And he was begging to feed his family instead of playing or going to school.

I looked at mom, my face wet with sweat, tears, and rain. She looked me in the eyes and told me that I should give these children hope rather than despair- the fine balance they sought but that seemed to elude them. My mom was in Calcutta to introduce a scholarship fund for students at Calcutta's National High School- how would I contribute?

Though Janak Road may be 12,000 kilometers away, Downtown Toronto is in walking distance from my house. Some may call it altruism, but I call it hope. Hope for a boy in a Covenant House shelter; hope for [that] the boy who was trying to feed his family. My hope that no child will live in a shelter or beg. Therein lies the fine balance: hope and despair are intrinsic to one another- we cannot hope for better without some anguish. But what separates the optimist from the pessimist is the view that with

hope and action, we can defeat despair- that the glass is half-full.

Very moving essay. My changes are just suggestions.

Do you think you could look at my essay as well?

Thanks!
Hope you get accepted! Good luck!
OP unclesamv 2 / 4  
Dec 30, 2009   #7
UCC recently began a Harkness Table style of teaching in select courses to promote class discussions and spur interest among students. At the same time, the IB program has ensured that I have been exposed to the seminal works in western thought. These factors add up to a place where students love learning- a school worth attending. Much like UCC, the Columbia Core features small-sized (70% of classes have under 20 students) discussions on the works introduced by the IB. Columbia thus appeals naturally to someone who has much more learning to do: both wider reading and learning from classmates.

The new one


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