Help with my Statement of Purpose - ApplyTexas Topic A/UT Austin/International Undergrad Transfer

Hi guys, this is my Statement for Purpose for UT Austin. I'm seeking Psychology as a major. Please review it for me and, if possible, rate and critique. It would be very important for me, since I'm not sure how my essay looks in terms of content (I'm Brazillian, so I'm not familliarized with those essay models). Here we go:

Question: "The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey".

Essay:

everything for the sake of knowledge

While taking some time to figure out what I trully wanted to do with my life (after I finished high school) - and trust me, it was quite some time - I occasionally found there were fields in Psychology, such as Cognitive Psychology and Neuroscience, that worked exactly on this subject I love. I could finally put my efforts into something I had complete curiosity and fascination about. Ever since I know myself, I've been passionate and somewhat obsessive when the subject is the study of intelligence. Every aspect of the matter holds the power to hypnotize me into searching further and further for it. And now, Psychology would provide me a wonderful and constant hypnosis.

I'm proud of saying that I do not settle for less than I deserve, specially when it's about academics; ever since I enrolled in Psychology, I tried hard to give the very best I could inside a challenging course, in order to make the most of my education. Currently attending a top 5 brazillian Psychology program, I've spent 3 years developing myself both academically and personally. As my curiosity was feeding the hunger for knowledge in Psychology, I came to understand that a qualification only obtained in Brazil would be limited, and my goals consist on being a Psychology reference and making significant contributions to Science on the field of intelligence. The reason was that the main Psychology centers and figures are all abroad. In order to achieve the highest qualification and level of knowledge I could, it was needed to be done: I had to study in America, one of the biggest Psychology centers in the world.

The decision on whether to apply to an american university made itself clear in this year's January, while I was in Austin visiting my brother and his wife. My brother lives in the United States; he initially went just to study Journalism, but there he met an american girl he's happily married to. Nowadays, they are living in San Angelo, TX. At the beggining of the current year, me and my mother went to visit them as we all stayed in Austin during that visit. Before, I was already thinking on applying to an american university, but still hadn't found the right college or even set a proper date to submit an application. My sister-in-law then encouraged me to visit UT Austin and have a meeting with one of the International Admissions Center's advisors, and so I did - "why not, right? ". I had never visited Austin before this, so I didn't know what exactly to expect. We stayed a total of 12 days at the city and well, was I impressed. After an enlightening meeting at the office and a tour inside the campus facilities, something became clear for me. I realized that I had just found the means to pursue my goals, and that was UT Austin. And just like that, I finally made up my mind. I was applying to be a student of that university.

Although I was really excited on how nice were all that campus and educational excellency, there are things that also stood out for me about the city of Austin. The multicultural aspect of the city along with it's liberal lifestyle appealed to me as I felt I was in a better version of my own country, in which people of every single cultural background and nationallity can - or at least try to - live side by side. The influence of the latin culture (among others) on Austin gave the impression of a foreign-friendly city, and since I'm brazillian this is very importante; it looked like this friendliness towards cultural diversity could make my transition from Brazil to the United States way smoother.

Bottom line is, even though the college I'm at is a pretty good one, it's lightyears behind the top-tier universities from the U.S, let's face it. Given my personal desires to always seek new and better things for the sake of knowledge, I need a change; and UT Austin seems to fit those criteria perfectly. The combination of one of the best Psychology programs in America with a city providing a safe and quality environment for the development of both my academic and personal potential is seen by me with great enthuasiasm, knowing that there my passion for learning will be able to be duly harnessed and will propel me to greater achievements in life.

Thank you!

Hi @marcellosln

It is probably better to show your interest on the subject, and university itself rather than your story background about your trip to your brother house. Also, elaborate more about your future prospect career or contribution if you take that advance study, and link back to your track record whether in the same field or not, and ensure you can sync it to your ultimate goal.

You can follow below formula;

1st paragraph - Opening, show them how important this subject for current issue by taking some common constraint that attracted you so much, and you willing to focus on it.

2nd paragraph - Directly, you show your interest in this specific subject at your chosen university. What makes it different compared to another subject at different university. Bring a distinct module that your chosen uni offer and some facility that you believe you can utilize and embrace your capacity with it.

3rd paragraph - Tells your ultimate goal after completing your study there, and link back to your past experience or accomplishments, whether in the academic field, professional or beyond professional achievements.

4th paragraph - Closing, link back again to the first paragraph about the issue you want to address and sync it to your chosen subject at the chosen university. re-convince the reviewer how important this study meant to you, and how bad you want it.

I hope it could give you a little input. By the way, I also at your shoes now...
keep it up, dude!!!!

Marcello, with the way the immigration problem in America is currently going, it would be better for your application if you do not refer to the fact that you have a brother married to an American at all. Neither should you mention that you and your mother stayed with your brother in the country during a visit. The information will raise a red flag for your application and make it sound like you have intentions of becoming an undocumented immigrant in the country. Rather, you must focus the essay on what you have learned from the Brazilian Psychology based universities in relation to the reasons why you feel that continuing your studies in America is imperative to your career. Don't approach this like a creative writing essay. This is a serious essay that must come across with an academic tone and a sense of professionalism that currently isn't present in your writing. Write a new essay that focuses on the purpose for your study instead. You can start, by introducing how your interest in Psychology developed, in a more proper manner than you do now. Right now, it sounds like you just threw a dart at a board with course choices and you ended up picking Psychology that way. Show a clear development of your interest, your experience as a student in Brazil, and then explain what your plans are for your career as a Psychologist. All of these discussions will help support and explain the purpose of your desire to complete your studies abroad.

Thanks a lot for your reviews guys. At first I thought the statement of purpose for undergrad transfer wasn't supposed to be as objective as graduate's. I'll edit my essay and post it as soon as I'm done. By the way, in terms of grammar and vocabulary, is it okay?

@afriawan33
The answer you gave sounds to me like you're refering to a Graduate-level essay. I'm doing SoP as a transfer for undergrad. If you are already aware of that, nevermind then. I'm just saying that so I can know for sure if you did get that.

"Opening, show them how important this subject ...".

I really don't get it what you're trying to tell me on that statement.

@Holt
Sorry for the delay. I spent the last 14 days rewriting the essay, and now I think it fits the structure you gave me.

Here's the essay:

Even before I was born, my family struggled with psychiatric disorders and genetic predispositions for them. I am the younger brother of two, but we used to be three - I was born two years after a brother of mine died due to a rare disease, which left scars on my family, mainly on my father. That made him develop psychopathological traits that occasionally led his marriage with my mother to an end, right before my birth. He turned out to be an absent and relapsed father to us because of those events.

My grandfather took for himself some of the functions his son did not perform. Me and my brother started going to his house when my mother had to work, and there we got in touch with our aunts, who still lived with grandpa. One aunt has an undiagnosed type of social-behavioral psychopathology, and presented rather odd behaviors that made me very intrigued, since they were not what I used to see on anyone but her. My big brother also has a disorder - a minor type of Autism. Living with him inspired me and made possible to experience Psychology, watching the unique way in which my brother's mind worked and how he used unusual qualities from his intelligence to adapt to the world around him, despite his own adversities.

Ever since I enrolled in Psychology, I've been attending a top 5 brazillian program at PUCRS. For three years I've developed myself both academically and personally. Until today, I'm sure that choosing Psychology was the best decision I've ever made - while experiencing the life of a college student, my passion for Intelligence grew even more. I made sure to get familiar with the research environment since freshman year, joining a research group that studied Neurobiology, with the guidance of a renowned professor from my university. This period was much valuable to me, since because of that I realized that being a world-class scientist is indeed what I want to. Furthermore, the knowledge acquired inside the classroom, from professors and classmates, giving a special attention to contents and experiences that were related to Intelligence, reinforced the choice of deepen my studies into the field.

After this period, I believe that a qualification only obtained here wouldn't be complete, given my objectives. The reason lies on the fact that the main Psychology centers and figures are all abroad and I feel like I've already harnessed everything my course had to offer. To be the kind of professional I want to become, it's imperative to seek an institution that can provide me a challenging education of worldwide excellence.

Why did I chose UT Austin? First, because of the qualification I can obtain by attending one of the best programs in America, along with the fact that your country is currently the biggest scientific center in the world. Also, the cultural diversity from both the university and the city of Austin seems like it could provide an environment that is conducive to meaningful experiences and learning, with people from everywhere contributing with diversity and different ideas in a valuable multicultural exchange. This foreign-friendly aspect of yours along with its strong latin influence can mean a smoother transition for me while adapting to the life on a different country.

There are specific factors which I felt instrumental to my application for UT Austin. Programs such as the Undergraduate Research (Undergraduate students assisting professor's reaserches) and Summer Undergraduate Research Experience will help me to improve the skill set required to succeed in the academy. As told above, I intend to work with Intelligence, and for that I've focused my studies on Cognition and Neuroscience. UT Austin Psychology BS program's focus on them would benefit me greatly, as most PUCRS's classes are inclined towards Clinic or Social Psychology. Moreover, the Institute of Neurosciences is a major reference in terms of research, and to have the opportunity to study or assist in research with some of the biggest names at their fields - such as Dr. Francisco Gonzalez-Lima - would be of inestimable value.

Given my personal desires to seek new and better things for the sake of self-improvement, I need a change. The combination of one of the best Psychology programs in the U.S with a city providing a safe and quality environment for the development of my potential is seen by me with great enthuasiasm. There, my passion for learning will be able to be duly harnessed and will propel me to greater achievements in life.

Someone please help me, I'm in desperate need since I need to submit my essay as soon as possible!