hi guys! I'm appying as a transfer to Mt.Holyoke and I really need help proofreading my transfer essay. Last year I was waitlisted and I'm trying again this year so please help. Please feel free to critique or comment the essay.
Essay Prompt:Please write a statement about what motivates you to continue your education at Mount Holyoke College. Include relevant details about your life experiences, intellectual interests, and long-term plans.
Here is the essay:
As I approached Mt.Holyoke Prospect building, I heard the sound of birds chirping, river flowing and the fresh cool air sending chills to my body all of which instantly reminded me of my days in Solukhumbu, Nepal.The resemblance of this campus to a similar environment in my past provoked an immense sense of peace, belonging to this community- to the Mt.Holyoke community.Though outside it was quiet, dark and chilly, later upon my entrance to the Blanchard I instantly felt the overwhelming warmth and vibrancy that made me feel as though I was already a Mt.Holyoke student. I was struck by the enormous diversity in pool of such a small student population. Having had the diverse experience of growing up in Nepal and India, I instantly connected to campus students from India, Bangladesh, Pakistan and Afghanistan. Slowly sipping our coffees, we settled at a sofa in corner, discussing and debating about government, poverty and human trafficking in Asia. At that moment, I realized that this is what I have always wanted from my college experience.
My passion also my long term goal is helping combat human trafficking in Nepal. One of the biggest reason I chose to apply to Mt.Holyoke is because it is dedicated to creating strong women in any field by giving women the opportunity to take leadership roles in and beyond the campus. One thing I know for sure is that I have to be prepared as a student, women and a leader today to take the challenges of helping combat the crime and its victims of tomorrow. For this reason, I chose Mt.Holyoke because I believe that it is the only institution that will only help me to become the person that I want to become by giving me the opportunity to take leadership roles.
However, I realized that is not possible in every college and for that reasons I chose to transfer to Mt.Holyoke where the professors are willing to help and spend their time with students as much as possible. One of my biggest reason for transferring to Holyoke is due to my desire of building a close familial relationship with my peers and professors beyond the classroom walls. I believe our professors are more than teachers but mentors for our entire life who have the ability to inspire us and challenge our own beliefs with their knowledge and wisdom.
I was struck by the enormous diversity in pool of such a small student population.
Slowly sipping our coffees, we settled onto a sofa in the corner, discussing and debating about government, poverty and human trafficking in Asia.
My passion, and also my long term goal is to help combat human trafficking in Nepal.
One of the biggest reasons I chose to apply to Mt.Holyoke is because it is dedicated to creating strong women in any field by giving...
For this reason, I chose Mt.Holyoke, because I believe that it is the only institution that will only help me to become the person that I want to become by giving me the opportunity to take leadership roles.
However, I realized that is not possible in every college and for that reasons I chose to transfer to Mt.Holyoke where the professors are willing to help and spend their time with students as much as possible. One of my biggest reasons for transferring to Mt Holyoke is due to my desire of building a close familial relationship...
Good luck with school and have fun!
:)
Dear Susan,
Thank You so much for taking your time to proofread it. I will definitely work on the corrections that you have made. Also I was thinking of modifying this essay a bit because I feel I need to be more straightforward and provide more reasons in explaining the admissions commitee why I want to come to Holoyke. I honestly feel I have to be more persuasive with my reasons for transfer. What do you think? Should I modify the essay?
Thank You
-Cheers!
Tshring Lama
