Topic:Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
A significant experience that I had was helping out at summer school. Throughout the four years of high school, I have contributed to helping people. It all started with just community service and little by little it became part of my personality. Helping people is very important to me because I feel as if I am making a difference in someones life. I see helping people as a way to make new friends and a way to show people the type of person that you truly are.
During the last two summers, I spent time going to summer school to help students learn English as a second language. I was informed about a program at summer school that regarded Hispanic students learning English as a second language. I wanted to help students learn English because I myself had a hard time learning it. This contribution that I did is very important to me because it truly shows the type of person that I am. Many students that I helped did not speak a lot of English and mostly spoke Spanish. Most of the students had just recently arrived from another country and were new to the United States. Although it was kind of difficult to teach them English, I had a lot fun and made a lot of new friends.
My experience at summer school had a very strong impact on me. I felt good about myself because I did something that not many people would do. It made me remember those times when I was just beginning to learn English and how difficult it was for me. I remembered how my dad not knowing any English himself, struggled to help me every day. It took us about two hours just to do one worksheet. Knowing that I spent time helping students that were going through the same difficulties as I did when I was younger, I felt good about myself. I learned so much from helping at summer school and it made me realize that helping people is something that I like to do.
Throughout the four years of high school, I have volunteered to help out at local schools. A quality that I have developed throughout high school is helping others and having the capability to work well with people. I have learned so much from my experiences and plan to do the same thing in the future. I personally think that helping others is a great way of meeting new people and making new friends. Not only do you make new friends, but you also show other people the type of person that you are.
This essay suffers from far too much telling instead of showing. Phrases such as "I have contributed to helping people," "Helping people is very important to me because I feel as if I am making a difference in someones life," "This contribution that I did is very important to me because it truly shows the type of person that I am," "I felt good about myself. I learned so much from helping at summer school and it made me realize that helping people is something that I like to do," and so on are flat, dull, and generally uninspired. You would have a much stronger essay if you eliminated these sorts of sentences (which is most of the essay, I'm afraid) and write a narrative essay explaining exactly what you did, specifically, to help, and describing your reaction to the experience to show us how it impacted you.
The good news is that you already have some good details in the essay that you can use as a starting point. For instance, this is good: "I remembered how my dad not knowing any English himself, struggled to help me every day. It took us about two hours just to do one worksheet." It is a specific detail that helps the reader to understand why you might find satisfaction in helping others learn English. Build on this. Describe (don't just say, show) how you overcame this difficulty, how you saw others struggling, what you did to help, etc.
I agree with Sean. You need to show detail but at the same time make it concise so it is easier for the admissions people to read. It was hard to follow at times though. Try to figure out better tranistions to use between each paragraph. Maybe you should try reading the essay to yourself outloud and you'll catch some awkwardness or confusion in it. I do that for my essays and it totally helps because when I read it to myself in my head I think everything is perfect, but when I read it outloud the way everything is conveyed is totally different. I hope this helps!
