My Heritage - in my own country I feel the most foreign. Common App. Essay

Hi guys,

This is the essay I plan to use for the Common App. I would really appreciate your honest feedback. I will be applying to pretty difficult colleges (early decision to Columbia) so that is the kind of level of writing I'm aiming for. Thank you so much!

The prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

It is a paradox that in my own country I feel the most foreign. I have spent much of my life outside of India, and moving from country to country has caused me to struggle for an identity. I was four when I moved from my place of birth, and spent the next thirteen years living abroad on the East and West coasts of the United States, as well as Switzerland and France. After the first stretch of eight or so years in the United States, my family began visiting India every couple of summers. The country had become a stranger to me, and each time we visited something deep inside of me would be exposed again. I was uncomfortable in India, unused to the heat, the filth, the traffic, the poor children tapping on car windows, the stares. I was reluctant to accept this place as an intrinsic part of me and my identity because I had seen so much else of the world-developed countries, with more obvious beauty and prosper to offer. I could only see what India lacked. The people's stares bothered me the most, because their worlds were so much smaller than mine, and their ideas so much simpler, yet they could see right through me and knew who I was better than I myself did.

India soon became a measure of my growth because each summer that I returned, I saw the country through wiser eyes. Being on the move so much had made me more open, more accepting. Then I learned that I would be spending my final year of high school here. I grappled with this idea, because as excited as I was for new adventures, I was not sure I was ready for this one. It was like returning home to a family whom you had left years ago. You wondered whether they would accept you back with open arms, but more than that, you wondered if you would accept them. Would things be as you remembered them; would it feel like home? Regardless, I returned home to the 'family' I had left.

At its core, this country is made up of millions of youth, struggling to make their mark on the world. I see them on the streets everyday on my way to school. It is not they who are any different from me, but their circumstances. Their delicate sugar-spun dreams, cradled and protected during ignorant childhood, have been slowly crushed by the calloused, sun-browned hand of a parent as they grow and learn about life and its infinite and unequal rules. I am luckier because I can afford to protect and nurture my dreams, build a cage around them, until they are strong enough to be set free. The only thing which I have that these children do not is money, yet it is powerful enough to guarantee a future.

Again, I am not any different from these youth, because growth has been pushed on both of us. In their case it is through their poverty and need to scrape by a living in any way possible. The impoverished are forced into jobs the minute they can walk, the minimum working age completely forgotten. It is as though there is no word in the Hindi language for 'child labor.' From looking into their eyes you can see that these children have become adults at far too early an age. In my case, bumping back and forth from different continents and countries, assimilating and then leaving societies, has caused me to learn the lessons of life much faster than most. The only thing I could count on to remain constant was me, and so I harbored an intimate relationship with myself. I soaked in endless culture and knowledge, and qualities materialized in me so that I could keep going. Optimism, confidence, acceptance of self and others, respect of self and others, empathy, self-sufficiency-I am thankful for what these countries have taught me.

And although I see myself as a worldly person, I cannot deny my heritage. It looks at me in the mirror each morning; it is the color of my skin, the shape of my eyes, the blood that runs in my veins. I used to look at Indians and judge them as parochial, and it is because of this ignorant, single-faceted judgement that I sometimes wished I looked different. I did not want to be judged by others in the same way I myself judged. The evil I tried to protect myself from was in me, too. It was an ugly irony.

I cannot change the world, but I can change myself. This is what slowly happened as I grew-I learned that the best things in life are not always the most obvious, which was the case for my home country. My final move back to India was the most difficult; it was personal and I had to reveal the vulnerability in me that I had hidden for so long to be able to survive elsewhere in the world, a vulnerability that sprang from the uncertainty of my identity.

I have a clear memory of a trip to an Indian restaurant in the first month of our move here. It was a difficult time for me, but my spirits lifted instantly upon walking through the door. Brightly clothed families bustled around, their faces full of life, and children of all ages chattered animatedly with each other while pointing at sweets behind the sparkling glass displays. I felt the smile growing slowly on my face, because I was proud. This was a rising country that did not need to climb onto the back of other, more developed countries to become something it was not. It used its own unique strengths to progress. I felt at home, and I started accepting the part of me that had always been there and was fighting to come out. Its persistence won. This was my country.

I really like your word choice. It is not too elaborate, yet demonstrates your wide vocabulary. Your sentences were clear and concise as well. I can't find anything I'd change.

It is a paradox that in my own country, I feel the most foreign.

After the first stretch of eight or so years in the United States, my family began visiting India every couple of summers. The country had becomewas a stranger to me, and. each time we visited something deep inside of me would be exposed again.

^What gets exposed? You do not talk about it in the next sentence. If you attempt to do so, then 'expose' should be replaced with a more suitable word.

I was uncomfortable in India, unused to the heat, the filth, the traffic, the poor children tapping on car windows, the stares etc . I was reluctant to accept this place as an intrisic part of me and as a part of my identity because I had seen so much else of the world-developed countries, with more obvious beauty and prosper to offer. I could only see what India lacked. The people's stares bothered me the most, because their worlds were so much smaller than mine, and their ideas so much simpler, yet they could see right through me and knew who I was better than I did.

^I do not like the bold part AT ALL. What gives you the right to think that their ideas are simpler than yours? You are applying to Columbia, and you already have revealed a pretentious attitude. These people can probably deal with situations that you can not. Does that not make them smarter in some cases then? The part in bold shows off that you are ignorant and unappreciative of your own people. Whilst you may refute these ideas later on in the essay, (I do not know, I have not reached there as yet), I am left with this impression and quite frankly, I am unimpressed. You come off as the term American-Born Confused Desi so far...

India soon became a measure of my growth because each summer that I returned, I saw the country through wiser eyes. Being on the move so much had made me more open,and more accepting. Then I learned that I would be spending my final year of high school t here. I grappled with this idea, because as excited as I was for new adventures, I was not sure I was ready for this one. It was like returning home to a family whom you had left years ago.

^I would not use this simile. You have already painted this image that you have disassociated yourself from India. How can you compare it to a family, which by nature, is caring and understanding...Perhaps, you can use an adjective to describe the family, or say something along the lines that 'a family I had purposefully disabandoned'

You wondered whether they would accept you back with open arms, but more than that, you wondered if you would accept them. Would things be as you remembered them; would it feel like home? Regardless, I returned home to the 'family' I had left.

^I do not think the readers wondered this. Replace 'you' with 'I' and 'me'.

At its core, this country is made up of millions of youth, struggling to make their mark on the world. I see them on the streets everyday on my way to school. It is not they who are any different from me, but their circumstances. Their delicate sugar-spun dreams, cradled and protected during ignorant childhood, have been slowly crushed by the calloused, sun-browned hand of a parent as they grow and learn about life and its infinite and unequal rules.

^That is a nice sentence. However, are you implying that the parents hit their children and smack them to reality, literally? I think these kids also realise it on their own, not necessarily under their parent's influence.

I am luckier because I can afford to protect and nurture my dreams, build a cage around them, until they are strong enough to be set free.

^You make it sound as if these kids only dream to be something that they can not be or can not have...These kids perhaps, particularly in India, could just hope for a peaceful life and not want material comforts...they do not need a 'cage' around these dreams.

The only thing which I have that these children do not is money, yet it is powerful enough to guarantee a future.
^Not really. These kids could have other things that you may not have. You can not say this with such certainty.

Again, I am not any different from these youth, because growth has been pushed on both of us. In their case it is through their poverty and their need to scrape by a living in any way possible. The impoverished are forced into jobs the minute they can walk, the minimum working age completely forgotten.

^Not necessarily. Definitely not throughtout the whole of India. Governmental reforms have made this difficult in some parts.
I recently visited Delhi. I did not see child labor. I saw children selling flowers and toys, but this is not child labor. This is just business is it not? Most of the time, they find these flowers and then sell them for their own profit....

It is as though there is no word in the Hindi language for 'child labor.'
^Again..

From looking into their eyes you can see that these children have become adults at far too early an age.

In my case, bumping back and forth from different continents and countries, assimilating and then leaving societies, has caused me to learn the lessons of life much faster than most.

^What lessons are we on about here?

The only thing I could count on to remain constant was me, and so I harbored an intimate relationship with myself.
^LOOOOOOOOL. Alright, hand to yourself :P
Why would you want to be constant? Dont you want to evolve with the world around you?

I soaked in endless culture and knowledge, and qualities materialized in me so that I could keep going.
^Endless? please.

Optimism, confidence, acceptance of self and others, respect of self and others, empathy, self-sufficiency-I am thankful for what these countries have taught me.
^You do not realy say how any of these countries have instilled values such as optimism and confidence. Or self sufficiency. In fact, none of these values.

And although I see myself as a worldly person, I cannot deny my heritage.

It looks at me in the mirror each morning; it is the color of my skin, the shape of my eyes, the blood that runs in my veins. I used to look at Indians and judge them as parochial, and it is because of this ignorant, single-faceted judgement that I sometimes wished I looked different.

^O man. This is the ABCD card (American Born Confused Desi)

I did not want to be judged by others in the same way I myself judged. The evil I tried to protect myself from was in me, too. It was an ugly irony

^Evil. Where did that come from?

I cannot change the world, but I can change myself. This is what slowly happened as I grew-I learned that the best things in life are not always the most obvious, which was the case for my home country. My final move back to India was the most difficult; it was personal and I had to reveal the vulnerability in me that I had hidden for so long to be able to survive elsewhere in the world, a vulnerability that sprang from the uncertainty of my identity.

I have a clear memory of a trip to an Indian restaurant in the first month of our move here. It was a difficult time for me, but my spirits lifted instantly upon walking through the door. Brightly clothed families bustled around, their faces full of life, and children of all ages chattered animatedly with each other while pointing at sweets behind the sparkling glass displays. I felt the smile growing slowly on my face, because I was proud. This was a rising country that did not need to climb onto the back of other, more developed countries to become something it was not. It used its own unique strengths to progress.

^What strengths?

I felt at home, and I started accepting the part of me that had always been there and was fighting to come out. Its persistence won. This is my country.

^Ok. This concept, of trying to find the cultural identity, has been used before. I have heard success stories of people who have used this topic and got into Columbia...2 years ago. It makes you wonder if other people have tried this and whether the concept in it's entirety has just become banal to say the least.

Some of your points reflect a sense of ignorance of your country and it's people, even though you are trying to pride yourself that you love your country. Some parts are well written, some other parts, not so much.

I also did not quite get the part in the conclusion as to why you were proud...if people wear bright coloured clothes, and tap on glasses etc, does that instill a sense of pride in you? What do these things represent to you, and why do they make you feel proud?

If you are applying to the big Unis, even if you were applying to other Unis in fact, some work should be done so that you come off as the individual you want to portray ..

This is a strong opening but would be stronger if it were actively phrased. You don't need to tell us it's a paradox; we can see that. Also, the sentence will be stronger if it doesn't start with a prepositional phrase. I'd suggest: "I feel most foreign in my own country" or, even better, "I feel least at home in my own country"

Thanks for the advice everyone!

By the way Liebe, I'm not actually an ABCD, if you remember from my essay, I was born in India. :) And I agree that my topic is a common one, but I'm trying to be as sincere as possible; I juggled with a few different ideas and this was the one that really came from the heart. Also, the last sentence of the intro IS really pretentious-sounding now that I look back on it, so that will be fixed... As to the conflicting ideas, I see where you're coming from, and I'll work on fixing those/the grammar stuff you corrected.

Now I'm a little confused because the other two people didn't give as much criticism. Simone, what do you think? Is this an overused topic, do I come off as a pretentious ABCD who doesn't know what she's talking about? etc. etc.

Thanks again all!

Lol I never said you are an ABCD. I just thought that this essay had very strong ABCD elements. Perhaps I was not clear on that.

I do not know what Simone is going to say, but I think when you are applying to highly selective universities, you want your essay to stand out, and my opinion is that a hackneyed topic will not help accomplish that, unless your expressions and writing style is articulate enough to impress..Whilst your writing is good, it is not breath taking.

Anyways, I am glad that you understood the other points I made. Implement them and make your character shine through this essay.
By the way, would you say that this is a significant experience, or an achievement? You should go on in more detail on the impact that this has had on you.

What an interesting dialogue. Too bad you can't turn this in, to show yourself as an authentic and constantly questioning writer.

For whatever it's worth, here's what I think: Adolescents from similar backgrounds struggle with similar questions. Writing about one of those questions is not necessarily hackneyed as long as the writing itself is vivid, authentic, and expressive. Your writing is vivid and often authentic -- as when you admit to negative perceptions of people in India -- but is sometimes so stylized as to sound superficial -- e.g., the "sugar-spun dreams." Moreover, even though you are describing what must have been an emotionally agonizing process, the way that you write about it is all from the head, not the heart.

So I say: Stick with the topic; it's what you really want to say and it's always best to stay with what you are compelled to express. In revising the essay, provide more vivid descriptions of (a) people and scenes, and (b) your own feelings -- not just your thoughts. Avoid high-flown prose in favor of direct sentences in which the unique images do the work.

Make sense?

I really like this essay. Its authentic and thoughtful, which is something of a rarity these days.

As for the first sentence, I'd actually suggest keeping the original:


Normally, I'd be in full agreement that any sentence starting with "it is" could be made stronger by rephrasing it to avoid that phrase. In this case, though, you really want a structure that puts the idea of your feeling "most foreign" at the end of the sentence, where it gets the most emphasis, as this is the central idea of your essay. Of course, if you can revise it to avoid using "it is" whilst still keeping the emphasis, that would be even better.

The only thing that struck me as being a bit off, content-wise, was this part:


You don't just have money, you have the advantages money buys. For instance, you sound as if you have already received a fairly decent education so far, and probably have the grades, extracurriculars, and writing skills necessary to get into a good university. You also have a future-oriented, middle-class attitude. You would still have all of these, even if your family went bankrupt tomorrow, and these advantages means you would be much more likely to secure a good future for yourself, even without the continuing presence of your family's money. As for comparing the harsh life of children forced to labor to your own life of being forced to travel the world (I understand how that can be frustrating for a kid growing up, but really, many, many adults pay exorbitant amounts of money to get that sort of experience), it just sounds as if you don't really understand the difficulties of being truly poor. So, I'd rewrite this part, if I were you, to reflect perhaps a greater sense of compassion for those who are less fortunate than you.

Hey everyone,

Sorry for the late response--I'm in Kashmir right now!

I wanted to thank you for all the feedback. I'm so grateful. If I hadn't posted this essay online I would not have noticed all the holes it has, and even if it was an 'okay' piece before, you've shown me how I can make it much, much better, into an excellent piece.

Liebe--I would say this was an achievement, in the sense that I was able to accept a part of me that I denied for a long time. But I want to make this more clear in my writing.

Which brings me to--while I've been here, I've been thinking a lot about the essay, and I've decided to pretty much re-write it. I'll use a lot of the old paragraphs/ideas, but I want to add more feelings, as Simone says, as well as experiences that I've had since then. I've only been in India for three weeks now (I can't actually believe it's even been that long), but that means I have more experiences to pull from in my writing. And I want to fix those things that may make me come across in a negative way, like what Sean mentioned.

I'll post my new version here in a few days.

Once again, thank you all so much!

No problem. I look forward to reading your next draft.