Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park experience - Applying for Japanese Studies and Sociology

ESSAY PROMPT: This section is an opportunity for you to elaborate on the information you have provided earlier. You may wish to discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that you have been involved in that is of relevance to the course that you are applying for at the university. (2000 characters max)

This is my unpolished essay (yet to be finished):
Mention 'Japan' and what immediately springs to mind? Chances are you might be thinking about the dizzying variety of food: most notably delicious 'sushi', crispy 'tempura' and the notorious 'wasabi'; or even contemporary forms of Japanese popular culture such as 'anime' and 'manga'. You might also point out that traces of Zen Buddhism are evident in both the elaborate yet refined Japanese tea ceremonies (chadō) and the minimalist style of Japanese rock gardens (karesansui).

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Hello , I think your essay is interesting, clear and well written.

My only suggestion would be that you add a couple of sentences in the last paragraph that will show in which way this experience is relevant to the course you are applying for.

In case it is too long you could remove some details from your experience in Hiroshima.

Good luck !

The world changed forever when Hiroshima was destroyed by an atomic bomb; my perspective on life was significantly altered when I set foot on Ground Zero. My parents and I visited the Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park in November 2007. I remember being stunned when I saw the park for the first time. As a little girl, it was very hard for me to understand how this beautiful and serene place had once witnessed one of the most horrific moments in history. The A-Bomb Dome was definitely a sight seared into my memory. Unlike any other tourist sites where tourists typically leave after posing for a photograph, I noticed many people standing in silence as they reflected upon the terrors that the now skeletal structure of the former Prefectural Industrial Promotion Hall had encountered . Some were even moved to tears. A strange cocktail of anger, sadness and tranquility bubbled within me and wrestled for dominance as I said a prayer for the victims. After leaving the A-Bomb Dome, we made our way to the Peace Memorial Museum. The museum itself served as a poignant memoir for visitors. Both the details of the bombing and its aftermath as well as the survivors' stories were well-documented. There were numerous disturbing displays clearly reminding us of the atrocities of the catastrophe: shadows of the vaporized victims imprinted on various surfaces due to thermal radiation, watches literally frozen in time at precisely 8.15 a.m. (the time of the explosion) , macabre wax figures with rotting skin and badly charred items . I was transfixed when I saw a blackened lunchbox. The simple contents of Shigeru Orimen's lunchbox not only mirrored the food shortage endured during wartime but also painted a moving portrait of a mother's love. A year later, I chronicled my humbling experience at Ground Zero in an essay for the International Essay Writing Contest for Young People. Even though I did not win any prize, nonetheless the valuable insights I have gained regarding the importance of humanity were priceless. I hope that I shall be able to pursue the Japanese Studies and Sociology courses offered at FASS because I believe that there is interconnectedness between Japanese culture and the relevance of peace to this era which has been unfortunately besmirched with hurtful stereotypes and terrorism . Therefore, without a doubt a well-rounded education at NUS will equip me with the necessary skills to make a positive impact in the world.

Wow, this is amazing. I was an East Asian Studies major, so I found this really interesting. I hate that you have to shorten it! I took out some things that I thought you could do without, but if you need to shorten it more, I would pick what you think is your weakest point and take it out. For me, that would be the part about saying a prayer (I like it a lot though...it is hard to pick)

How much to you need to shorten it by?

I hope this helped!

Thank you very much for spending your time reviewing my essay, lynzee22! :D I really do appreciate your help!
In the end, I shortened it to a roughly 1999 characters (2000 characters is the max) so unfortunately I had to remove and change some sentences. :/
I have submitted my application though so I cannot change the contents anymore. I hope it turned out well though. :D