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A holistic education is best for me - USC Transfer essay #1

puykcyt 2 / 3 1  
Jan 30, 2016   #1
Hi, all! I had previously had this essay looked over at my college's writing studio, however, I decided to rework it almost completely. I still have finishing touches to make before I submit it but, this is the gist of the essay. Please nitpick it as I am concerned about clarity, support/evidence, and flow.I also feel like my opening sentence isn't very catching but, I'm unsure of how to fix it. The word count of the paper is 579 words. Thank you!

Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.(250-650 words)

Encountering a new place is an inevitable occurrence in every person's life. For me, these occurrences have been somewhat frequent throughout life including my movement from High School to college and from my former college to my current college. While Georgia State University has allowed me to determine my career objectives, better my professional skills, and increase my appeal to employers I realize a change is needed to gain the holistic education I have long envisioned.

During my first year of college, I realized the importance of environment outside of the classroom has on academics and the full college experience. The ability to have both a varied but simultaneously tight-knit community with strong bonds and a competitive academic culture with a wealth of resources draws me to USC in my pursuit of becoming a civil rights lawyer.

I originally transferred to GSU from Oglethorpe University while citing the diversity of the student and faculty population at GSU as one of my deciding factors. Though this change was a large improvement for me compared to the 1000 students at Oglethorpe, the mostly in-state based student population has left something to be desired. In addition, this large student population is very divided between student and faculty. This would easily be rectified by the significant population of international students and significant minority student populations at USC and the overall diversity in the L.A. area.

Despite USC's large student body and high diversity, I noticed a familial atmosphere during my visits to campus. This atmosphere was made clearer to me in the connections made between students and faculty within their respective departments. In addition, the increased competitive nature of the campus the high amount of resources would be to my benefit. The availability of programs like that of the pre-law advising office, the political student assembly, and the trial advocacy program would all aid in preparing for law school and meeting my career goal of becoming a lawyer and improving my overall undergraduate experience.

I would like to take advantage of the applied political nature of USC's political science program to cover my areas of academic interest that my current school's research-based approach is not satisfying. The campus culture of USC combines the best elements of my former and current school - the liberal arts education of Oglethorpe and the large student population and resources of Georgia State while yielding a larger amount of both qualities.

Ideally, furthering my undergraduate journey would be to continue as Political Science major and economics minor. Upon graduating, I plan to attend law school to become a civil rights lawyer and serve the South Los Angeles area that my family hails from through public outreach and advocacy for reforms in compulsory education. With becoming part of the USC community receiving guidance in achieving this goal would be possible during my academic experience and after through the involved student and alumni community.

USC's strength in multiple areas, both academic and social, provide an environment geared toward bettering student's professionally and holistically. The intermeshing of the university's large, diverse and competitive population simultaneously with a deep set community that connects alumni and current students create a setting that encourages one to reach further than expected and provided the tools to do so. The rigor of academics and thought through a liberal arts format elevate the community aspect of the school in a way that can not only satisfy my desire for an unequaled education but go above that desire.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 30, 2016   #2
my opening sentence isn't very catching but, I'm unsure of how to fix it.

That's an important question, and maybe more important than the rest of the essay. First impressions and all. : ) What is it that makes a first sentence catching? I look at other great pieces of writing for inspiration, examples, and Ideas. If you look at a few famous pieces of writing you might get a great idea. I think it's important to surprise the reader with something unexpected.

Well, your writing style is very nice... I'll nitpick as you requested:

How do you feel about the word 'occurrences'? That's four syllables, so it's big and fat and inefficient. Nothing about the word carries enough emotion, imagery, or action to counterbalance all those syllables. I guess I'm prejudiced against words with a poor ratio of punch to syllables.

The last sentence of the first paragraph makes it sound like you don't yet know what change you need.

I think your goal is not to become a civil rights lawyer. I think that is a means to an end, and the real goal is: public outreach and advocacy for reforms in compulsory education. This is general and vague, so it makes you seem like your vision of the future is general and vague. I challenge you to show the reader a picture of the future.... specific things you'd like to do. And a picture of the present -- things happening now that you wish you could influence. Get some solid content for the essay by looking at current events and seeing what is more important to you, the reason for wanting to choose this profession. A big part of your essay should be using action verbs and imagery words to show the reader a picture of the present and the future, what you want to do. Another big part is to show them why the specific attributes of USC are going to make you more effective and better prepared for what you want to do.

The purpose of holistic medicine is to attend to function by meeting all challenges with awareness that everything is affected by everything else. The purpose of a holistic education is also about function. The essay might be better with some great examples of current events that relate to the values that drive you to study law and contribute to reform. But if you claim to want that, it's good to focus more on current and future events that pertain to the values that underlie your ideas for reform, or your enthusiasm for making a difference this way.

: )
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jan 30, 2016   #3
Tiffany, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

The opening or introduction of the essay is indeed not very catchy, if the goal is to attract the readers to focus on what you have to say,

the title is one that they look for. Now, I suggest this title;
Holistic approach to education is the key to a successful student.
I'm not sure if you'd go for this title but at least it gives a different approach on what
your goal is, in writing this essay. The introduction is as well needs to geared towards
choosing USC and not to involve GSU, you can refer to GSU as "previous institution",
or "prior to my decision to go for USC", something like this, this way it sounds more
professional and you leave utmost respect to your former family and look forward to joining
a new circle that will help enhance your academic capacity as well as your personality.

How you choose and played with words in your essay is what sets your essay apart from
any essays, the combination of conversational words and highly regarded words are in such
effort that they don't seem to be very heavily put together and rather light and easy to understand.

I hope my insights helped and I wish you the Best of LUCK!!!
anandrajeev 1 / 1  
Jan 30, 2016   #4
It seemed well rounded and good in my opinion. All i could find was the use of the word familial. did u mean familiar? I would recommend you to use the app Grammarly. it says your essay has 18 advanced issues but I didn't want to pay for the service. I am sure even without the paid service, Grammarly's free component is pretty useful as well.
cinrb2312 1 / 3  
Jan 31, 2016   #5
I think the content of your essay is good as it, just check for grammar and you are good to go.

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