Hello, I already thank in advance anyone willing to help me. I really need help! I'm a brazilian student trying to transfer to some liberal arts colleges.
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The prompt: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
I was sitting down next to all my scattered things on the floor, trying to make them fit inside my backpack. I stopped and looked at the small room around me. All I saw was absolute mayhem. There were three bunk beds cluttered with other people's possessions, one toilet which we could barely use ("Girls! NO poo in the toilet! WILL get clogged!" said a note by the toilet) and a shower so unimaginably cold and unclean that no one dare use it. There I was, in a small chaotic room in the middle of Peru, about to leave and head back home...but I knew I was going to profoundly miss it.
It was my 23rd day in Pisco Sin Fronteras (PSF), a non-governmental organization located in Pisco, Peru. Nearly all of the town was demolished by an earthquake in 2007 and the NGO's mission was to help the locals reconstruct their houses. Like most of the volunteers, I was staying in one of the messy rooms in the NGO'S headquarters. And now it was time to leave.
A year before I arrived in Pisco, I had just passed Vestibular, Brazil's national exam. I had been accepted to the University of Brasilia, one of my nation's most prestigious universities, and I couldn't be happier. But in the middle of my second semester, I couldn't turn my back anymore to my feelings of unsatisfaction. I expected a vibrant and diverse student body, but what I found was a pool of homogenous people with similar thoughts and wants. Everyone seemed to come from the same background and that truly disappointed me. The university also lacked student organizations and clubs, something I had hungered for in high school and had been looking forward to in university.
Listening to stories and studying different cultures and lifestyles captivates me deeply. At that time, I knew I needed a place where everyone was distinct and inspiring and preferably from a different culture than mine. So I set my mind on traveling to Peru, a country with a entirely different language and culture than my own. I wanted a place where I would even feel uncomfortable with such novelty, somewhere where I would be far away from my comfort zone. But in the end, encircled by difference is where I felt most at home.
In these three weeks at PSF, I met the most amazingly interesting people in my life. Each one of them had a different background and came from a different place. I was finally surrounded by intelligent and entrancing people. Bounded by such stimulating individuals, I found inspiration to discover who I really am and what I truly want to do with my life. Although I have always been an active volunteer in my community, it was only in PSF, where I had the daily challenge of improving people's lives, that I realized what is my greatest desire: I want to make a career out of helping poverty-stricken people. I want to see gratitude in its purest form shown in people's faces. However, since I'm sincerely enthralled by film studies I decided to converge these two loves into one profession: I'll be a documentarist aiming to show the harsh realities people face in underdeveloped countries.
Unfortunately, my current Communication College emphasizes on preparing the student to become prosperous professionals and doesn't care much about who the student truly is and wants. I need an University that dedicates as much attention to social responsibility and civic engagement as it does to the labor market. Moreover, coming from a big institution with over 15,000 students, I desire to go to a smaller and more intimate school, where I could develop a relation with my teachers and really get to know my faculty and fellow students. Additionally, my love for the theoretical studies on media surpass what my current film department provides for its students.
Back in Pisco, I started saying good-bye to the lovely life I was leading in PSF. While I mentally said farewell to my experiences and feelings, Ash, a clever Indian Australian who I befriended and that attended an Ivy League school, came up to me. We hugged and he wished me a good trip back to Brazil. "G, there as so many amazing places where you can study in the United States and so many unique people to meet! I'm sure you'll feel at home there just as you felt here", he said. I nodded and smiled. "I'll see you in the US as a transferred student, then?", he asked. "Most definitely", I answered with a huge grin.
That's all I kept repeating to myself all the way back to Brazil: most definitely.
I think you have a very well written essay, however, you need to avoid contractions in formal writing! I would not want you not getting accepted, due to a simple error in formal writing!
Good luck on your quest to attend a university in the states!
it is good but,
" I couldn't ignore my feelings of unsatisfaction any longer.." This sentence was a bit unclear.
"The university also lacked student organizations and clubs, things/which I had hungered for in high school and had been looking forward to in university. " Using the word something here would be incorrect pronoun usage, you need something plural.
"I found inspiration to discover who I really was and what I truly wanted to do with my life..."
"Although I have always been an active volunteer in my community, it was not until PSF that I met the daily challenge of improving people's lives and realized what is my greatest desire was - I wanted to make a career out of helping poverty-stricken people." These sentences were somewhat word, and also, colons are only used when proceeding a list of things. Same dilemma in the last sentence of this paragraph as well, just replace it with a dash.
"Unfortunately, my current Communication College emphasizes the development of students into prosperous professionals..."
"I need an University.." Although "university" begins with a vowel, it starts with a harsh "y" sound, so thee word "a" is used.
"I desire to go to a smaller and more intimate school, where I could develop a relationship with my teachers and really get to know my faculty and fellow students."
