It is an honor if I can give a hand to celebrate 100 years establishment ceremony of business school

Hi everyone! I am applying as a transfer student to University of Illinois at Champaign
Here is my essay. Can you take a look and give your opinion and give me a hand to edit it?
Thank you so much!!
In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/previous institution to Illinois and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.

As to many people, America is a dream country. I came to the U.S 3 years ago to seek for a dreaming degree in Finance. However, the tuition at America, compares with the currency in Vietnam, is an enormous investment so choosing a right school is like investing in a right place so you can get profit. I believe at Illinois, the "profit" I will earn is not only knowledge or a degree but also many valuable skills and experiences in business field. I love traveling and challenge new things to combine what I experienced from different places to create my own things. Hence, Illinois is exactly the educational environment that I was looking for, which is innovative, diverse and guaranteed an engaging future for any student attending. The diversity is the opportunity for me to meet up and exchange knowledge with other students from around the world. Especially, the study abroad program for business student is really impressive to me. Doing business internationally is one of my career's goals. This program is the way I practice myself to challenge a competitive business environment. Today, international experience is one of important factors that many employers are looking for. I also believe that the largest alumini network of Illinois can guaranteed a job for any student after graduated. I started at Wright College in my first 3 years to make myself familiar with the new learning method, new culture. Working as a math tutor on campus, makes me more sociable, methodical and develops communication skills. With the preparations from Wright College, I am now ready to face new challenges at Illinois. I am confident that my knowledge and personality will make the student's community more diverse. It is an honor if I can give a hand to celebrate 100 years establishment ceremony of business school.

While this essay already works, I believe that the start of the essay comparing tuition fees to the way a person learns, is out of place. Rather, I would have instead compared the two programs (my current university as opposed to UIUC) and launched into an explanation of how the program at my current university no longer fits or is limited in scope when compared my career plans. Then the choice to transfer to UIUC will become not only clearer but appear to be a necessity for someone who has serious academic and career goals. The first part of your essay is too trivial in approach and does not really present any solid reasons towards the need for you to transfer. There is no need to give a background of your history in the United States. Just answer the question outright or present an introductory response that gives a solid direction or reason for your transfer, expanding upon it in succeeding paragraphs.