Hook em' Horns! Statement of Purpose - transfer into UT Austin essay

Hi I'm trying to transfer to UT Austin into Fine Arts in Technical Theatre

Apply Texas Topic A/UT Austin/Undergraduate SOP

Here my essay so far:
From a young age, the world of live performance and expression has captivated my eye. Growing up with parents in the music industry, I saw the impact of live music and how much it affects people. As I went through grade school, I found myself choosing classes that directed me to the creative path. One of excitement and promise. I naturally found myself behind the sound console in the theatre and it has never failed to bring my passion and joy. I joined technical theatre club, participated in productions as well as aided in our school winning state-given awards in the theatre department. Even outside of class, I found myself following audio technology, going to as many shows as I could and feeding off those experiences to fuel my own. After graduating from UT Austin, I plan to pursue a career in the theatre. Whether that be a live performance in music or acting, I find myself most comfortable in the sound booth. There is nothing that captivates me more than the magic of live performances.

During my time in high school however, my GPA bega to dip. I focused too much on my extracurricular activities, such as technical theatre, than my studies. As a young teenager, I was immature towards education and thought of it more as a "chore" than an opportunity. I was always unclear about my career path and what I wanted to do in my life. But after graduating, I decided to complete my core classes at Austin Community College and use that opportunity to transfer into UT Austin. Since then, my academic discipline has strengthened significantly and I possess a newfound work ethic that has aided me in class as well as life.

There is no place in the country I'd rather be than right here in Austin, Texas. After living here for 9 years, I've found a blend of cultures, background, and opportunities, unlike any other city I've visited. The "live music capital of the world" title is no accident as every day, bands and artists thrive through the copious amount of venues and clubs around the city. The great thing about UT Austin is that it just happens to possess one of the best theatre programs in the country. It's large theatre and knowledgeable staff offer training on the professional level which would aid in my creative color pallet. I see this not as just an opportunity to grow, but also to meet other like-minded individuals that will broaden my horizons. Thank you for your time and Hook em' Horns!

Max, I don't think it's helpful to describe yourself as "immature towards education" as it gives a negative vibe and portrays you as uninterested in your education. If you want to explain your decrease in GPA, you should talk more about the challenges you faced and your reasons to decide to focus on your extracurricular activities. Maybe describe what you learned and experienced in those extracurricular activities instead. Put a positive spin to it.

Max, don't open the essay with a reference to a young age. Simply indicate that you grew up in a musically inclined family. Explain how your family influenced your musical inclination. What was it about music that your father inculcated into you? What interests did your mother share with you? If you have siblings, would you say that you were all musically inclined in some manner? This description will strengthen your claim that you have been surrounded by music all your life and also explain why you may have been more focused on the extra curricular rather than your academics. By the way, saying "young teenager" is a redundancy. Indicate instead "as a teenager..." as the proper age reference in that sentence. Try to focus the closing discussion of your essay on how living in Texas is part of your musical training and learning experience. Don't try to describe the university to the reviewer because there is nothing you can say about the university that he doesn't know about yet. Just let him know what makes the musical education experience unique in your area instead.