the subject is: Why are you interested in attending Georgia Tech and what do you hope to contribute to our community? and it has have a maximum of 150 words
however I wrote 250 words, so I would like to gat some feeback on what I should delete
here is my essay:
As a student at a very small and highly demanding school, I often dreamed of the University life my teachers would talk about. With the student overflowing classes and the professors that taught the math and science that was always deemed too advanced for high school. And yet the extensive amount of universities always scared me away from choosing the next big stage of my life. Until I realized, that not all universities boast reputed science programs, rigorous academic classes, a student body interested in intellectual life and a variety of non academic activities as well.
I hope to lead an academically demanding life at Gatech, for I enjoy pushing my limits, and I believe the buzz campus will offer just this, because of it's reputation in the science department and because of the admirable work of professors Kirill Lobachev and Lin Jiang.
I also look forward to joining Club Math, at the Georgia Institute of Technology, so that I might meet new people that are also thrilled by the beauty of mathematics. I would also be interested in joining less academically oriented organizations. Such as Acts Of Kindness through which I hope to make people happier; the Human Development Organization in which I would like to discuss how to solve world problems and put our plans in action; the Swim Club and Water Polo Club for I love swimming and Cooks for Heritage, Education, Fellowship, and Service because it is already a habit of mine to invent new recipes and to share them with others.
Do you think I am missing something?
As a student at a very small and, yet highly demanding school, I often dreamed of the University life my teachers would talk about.
.. ... I don't get what you try to mean by highly demanding school. In what respect? I think you need to clarify that a bit more.
With the student overflowing classes and the professors that taught the math and science that was always deemed too advanced for high school.
Okkkkkk....now I get your point. ... I feel you should have started with this. Think of either removing or rephrasing your first sentence.
And yet theextensivelarge numberamount of universities always scared me away from choosing the next big stage of my life.
Well, your point is not very convincing for me. Why are you interested in Georgia Tech? Is it the ambition that was set within you by your current school?
I guess in the first phrase I was just trying to say that I am a good student and that I am used to big workloads, but I maybe it's off-subject.
I think i'll delete the 3rd phrase you quoted because it's also unnecessary.
So you don't think the fact that I list the organizations I like and the 2 professors I admire isn't enough to show that I am interested in them?
I made a new (shorter) version, what do you think?
As a student at a small and demanding school, I dreamed of the University life: classes overflowing with students and professors that taught the math and science that was always deemed too advanced for high school. However I soon realized, that only a few universities boast the reputed science programs, rigorous academic classes, variety of extracurricular activities and the intellectual student body that I was looking for. Georgia Tech was one of them.
Gatech struck me as unique because of its strength in the science department, the admirable work of professors Lobachev and Jiang and the variety of organizations it offers that appeal to me. I would indeed like to lead an academically challenging life at Gatech and join organizations such as: Club Math, where I hope to meet others thrilled by the beauty of mathematics; Acts Of Kindness through which I would like to spread joy; the Human Development Organization in which I would like to tackle world problems ; the Swim Club so I might compete for Gatech and C.H.E.F.S. to continue inventing and sharing recipes.
the limit is 150 words (I'm at 148!)
I am afraid it might be forgotten in the masses because it's not very original, any suggestions? or do you think I am not answering the question?
As a student at a small and demanding school, I dreamed of the University life: classes overflowing with students and professors teaching advanced math and science. However I soon realized, that only a few universities boast the science programs, rigorous coursework, variety of extracurricular activities and intellectual student body that I was looking for. Georgia Tech was one of them.
Gatech struck me because of its strength in the science department, the admirable work of professors Lobachev and Jiang and the variety of organizations it offers that appeal to me. I would indeed like to lead an academically challenging life at Gatech as well as join organizations such as: Club Math, to meet others thrilled with the beauty of mathematics; Acts Of Kindness; the Human Development Organization to tackle problems in the world; the Swim Club to compete for Gatech and C.H.E.F.S. to continue inventing and sharing recipes.
variety of extracurricular activities, and intellectual student body that I was looking for (put comma between and )
Gatech struck me as what?? i know you're struggling with word count, put throw in some good adjective in there!
join organizations such as: Club Math, to meet others that arethrilled (i don't think that thrilled is a good word in here with the beauty of mathematics like i am ; Acts Of Kindness (what does this organization do? you describe all of the clubs but not this? ; the Human Development Organization to tackle problems in the world; the Swim Club to compete for Gatech , and C.H.E.F.S. to continue inventing and sharing recipes.
Overall a good essay, but needs a little work. I know you're tight with word count but there are some errors in grammar and such. Try talking to your english teacher, if you have one
And help me too, haha, if you have time!
thankyou,
originally I had written many more synonims, but I ended up deleting most of them, I put "unique" and " to spread joy" (after acts of kindness) back up
I also replaced thrilled with delighted
thankyou!
As a student at a small and demanding school, I dreamed of the University life
Like Pahan, I too have a confusion here.... why you say your school is demanding? What sort of demanding is that? How does it links to a university life?
You need to have a good link between sentences in order to have your ideas flow smoothly. Otherwise they would generate a sporadic feeling.
Gatech struck me as unique because of its strength in the science department, the admirable work of professors Lobachev and Jiang and the variety of organizations it offers that appeal to me.
I found Georgia Tech as unique because of its outstanding Science faculty with highly acclaimed academic staff that include professors like Lobachev and Jiang.