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Horrible Mcdonald's story's (Persuasion through personal narrative essay)


jbarth 1 / -  
Oct 14, 2010   #1
Americans love fast food and kids especially love McDonald's. McDonald's is the most popular restaurant among kid's. McDonald's has the worst service of any restaurant in history. Quite a few of their employees can barely speak English. If you go to McDonald's on a regular basis I urge you to think about the service you have been getting and stop going to McDonald's, because I have had two really bad experiences at McDonald's.

A few years back my family and I went to McDonald's for breakfast before my brother's soccer game. I ordered an egg McMuffin which came with a very thin sausage patty.

We arrived back at the soccer fields and I was starving so I started to chow down on my McMuffin. I was about half way through it when CRUNCH!!!! I bit down on something hard.

What in the world could that be, I thought. I spit the mysterious thing into my hand. It was eggshell.
"Mom," I said.
"What is it Josh," she answered.
"There is eggshell in my McMuffin," I told her.
"Well that's too bad, honey," she replied.
"I think we should sue them," I stated. "I could have choked" I said, furious.
"No we can't do that, we wouldn't win," She said.
"Well I still think we should," I said in disgust
"If you can get a lawyer you can do that," she said jokingly.
"Okay, I will," I said. "Where can I get one?" I asked.
"You can't; you're too young," she replied.
"Dang it!" I exclaimed.
Fast forward a few years. I was hanging out at a friends house with some other guys. We decide to go to McDonald's for a Redbox. We get his older sister to drive us over there. We get about four movies. Then we decide that we need snacks. We go to the drive through and we order three fruit smoothies, two small McFlurries, and some fries. We pull up to the window where we pay, the guy at the drive through window gives his sister the receipt. She looks at it while he is making our order. Then she calls him over.

"Sir," she says. "This is not what we ordered."
"No, this is what you ordered, I heard you," he says. We can barely understand him.
"Well you must have heard me wrong because I ordered three smoothies but this says that I ordered four." She says getting frustrated that this guy is actually arguing with her.

"No, you distinctly ordered four," he says in barely understandable English. This made it take three times as long as it normally would have. They argue for about ten more minutes. When she decides to just cancel the order and have her money refunded. The guy doesn't know how to do this. It takes another 30 to 40 minutes. The lady behind us had turned off her car and was sitting there. We finally left and were told to call the main office or something so that she could get her money back. We spent about 45 five minutes sitting in the drive through at McDonald's arguing with some guy who could barely speak English. It was one of the worst experiences I've had at a restaurant fast food or not.

McDonald's lovers should not go to or eat at another McDonald's because they have horrible service. I have had two incredibly bad experiences at McDonald's one time I had eggshell in my egg McMuffin and another time I spent about 45 minutes in the drive thru. Anyone who loves McDonald's or has ever gone to that wretched place should never go there again.

GrimRippah 3 / 5  
Oct 16, 2010   #2
I think you should use somewhat less dialogue in your essay, to give it a sense of coherence and give it a generally better flow.

And try not to repeat yourself so much. I read your opening paragraph and the name "McDonald's" started to irritate me. Let me propose another phrasing:

"Americans love fast food and kids especially love McDonald's. McDonald's is the most popular restaurant among kid's. However, it has the worst service of any restaurant in history. Quite a few of their employees can barely speak English. If you go to there on a regular basis I urge you to think about the service you have been getting and stop going to that fast-food. I have had two really bad experiences there.

Good luck! :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Oct 18, 2010   #3
Quite a few of their employees can barely speak English.

This does not make a restaurant bad, and it does not make service bad. It seems like a poor argument when you say McDonalds has bad service, because there are many different stores with different kinds of employees. Most importantly, though, do not embarrass yourself by making this prejudicial statement above.

Don't switch from past tense to present tense: I was hanging out at a friends house with some other guys. We decide to go to McDonald's for a Redbox. We get his older sister to drive us over there.--- stick with one verb tense.

The biggest mistake of the essay is the comment about whether people speak English, but the second biggest mistake is talking about "McDonald's" as though this store in your town represents the service at all McDonald's stores.


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