Hi-
I am prospective transfer student to the Cornell School of Hospitality Administration. I had to withdraw from college a few years ago but I have been working directly in my intended major's field since then. I have left the hotel names where I worked blank, because I only want to notify my employer of my intention to leave if I get accepted (and not somehow through this forum.) Any insights/comments/edits would be very helpful. Thanks in advance!
Prompt: "Please address the topics below in an essay of approximately 500 to 750 words.Tell us what you'd like to major in at Cornell and why, how your past academic or work experience influenced your decision, and how transferring to Cornell would further your academic interests."
Coming from an entrepreneurial, working class family, the ability to rise through the ranks on sweat, blood and sheer determination is an aspect of the hospitality industry that resonated with me strongly. My previous college experience had been clouded by financial stress, which eventually forced me to withdraw, and the school's limited liberal arts programs. Having grown up in rural Colorado, the vibrant Portland restaurant scene was intoxicating. It turned food into art; a restaurant into orchestrated ballet. Add to that the gritty, semi-heroic tales of Anthony Bourdain and the affections of an ambitious young line cook, and I quickly found myself swept up in the energy. I bartered my laptop for first month's rent, talked my way into a garde manger position under Chef Peter Schuh, formerly of Thomas Keller's Per Se, and set off to make it in the city.
Working on the frontlines of the hospitality industry has been hard. It has taken discipline, commitment and leadership through the long hours, endless guests and unexpected problems. The experience and its challenges have instilled in me a work ethic and academic focus that I had lacked as a younger student.
Leaving Portland to be closer to my family I found jobs were scarce. When an opportunity presented itself at a lodge near my hometown I jumped at the chance to explore hotel operations. The aspect of my job I enjoyed the most at _______ Lodge was interacting with guests on a personal basis. Giving the extra effort to understand the experience the guest was looking for allowed me to transform their visit, while bringing a great sense of satisfaction to myself. However, I did not appreciate how far-reaching the hospitality industry was until I began reading the trade magazines in the office. I realized there were so many opportunities beyond operations, and became inspired by the innovative development partnerships being formed between hotels and government branches to protect environmentally sensitive areas.
Working at the Lodge presented many challenges. My resident position required that I stay on the property twenty-fours a day, five days a week and I was the youngest employee by twenty years. My personal and political views were very different than my coworkers, and I was required to do a lot of physical labor assisting the busy housekeeping and maintenance teams. However, I felt strongly that I should learn the industry from the ground up, so I made the adjustments necessary to accommodate a new lifestyle. I gained the respect of older coworkers with my work ethic and learned how to manage conflicting personalities through mutual respect of contributions and backgrounds. I also juggled a part time job at a fabulous wine and cheese shop downtown, and enjoyed tasting new varietals and expanding my knowledge of appellations, production and service.
It was hard work, but my dedication paid off when I used that experience to attain my current position as General Manager of the ___________ Hotel. I was drawn to the management position in part because it was a newly acquired property in the process of being remodeled and repositioned in the market. I have enjoyed a new set of challenges, using strategy, creativity and problem solving skills to help transform the property, while learning how to prioritize and balance work obligations with my personal life. Projects I have particularly enjoyed were implementing green initiatives into operations, creating a weddings and events sales program and helping plan the _______ Whale Festival to benefit Van Damme Beach & State Park.
My work experience has inspired me to take my career in the direction of hotel development and design. I look to play a critical role in encouraging responsible growth that will protect the environmental resources of developing countries looking to expand into the tourism market. I was initially attracted to the Hotel School for its international reputation, accomplished faculty and well rounded curriculum. I am interested in hospitality facilities and operations design, so being able to draw from Cornell's prestigious Architecture and Design and Environmental Analysis departments would be a great advantage. I know that the depth of the Hotel School's alumni network also gave previous students opportunities that played a critical role in their professional success. I am excited for the chance to be part of a diverse and creative student body, and when I arrive on campus, I will bring a well-developed work ethic and contribute a perspective that strikes the balance between idealistic theory and real world experience.
During my childhood [comma] my parents tried for many years to purchase a small resort in Gould, Colorado.
Thank you I added the common and a couple small revisions. If any one has any comments of the essay generally- good, bad, terrible- that would helpful too. I'm trying not to write a poor me story, but still include my life's trials & tribulations along with my somewhat unique background, all while trying to stay on topic... hard work!
...and stared longingly towards the candlelit diners.
However, this would be neither my first nor my last set back.- no need for commas
or
However, this setback would neither be my first nor my last.
If you still have time to work on the essay, you might want to try compounding the message of the essay by adding a theme. You mention green development. How about making green development a theme for the essay? It can be what really makes it all meaningful. That is just one idea... you can add any theme you want. In President Obama's State of the Union Address, he points out that 'the nation that leads the clean energy economy will be the nation that leads the global economy.' Can this same principle apply in the hospitality industry?
However, this is already great. The beginning has a sort of movie-like quality when we visualize the kitchen and you are thinking about going back to school.
So after getting some advice from my Aunt who also graduated from Cornell, I have completely rewritten the essay. Although it no longer has a movie quality it is much more "on topic" and I think proides a better arugument for why I should be at Cornell. Please let me know your thoughts and any grammatical corrections. Thank you!
I have been am fortunate to have had many rich experiences in the hospitality industry without formal training, but it has always been my goal to complete my education.
This is a little too obvious to be an interesting first sentence.
I wonder if it might not be a good idea to show that you are just following what your parents have done instead of seeking your own path... maybe a little less emphasis on the work of your parents would present you in a more positive light.
You don't make a very convincing case about being interested in using your work in this industry to preserve the planet. Simply mentioning it is not enough; it would be nice if you had a vision for helping to promote eco-tourism in developing parts of the world, but based on the essay you don't seem to have that sort of thing in your plan. You definitely write well, and without errors, but the effect you have on the reader is not as inspiring as it could be.
Thank you for your insights, I realize that my introduction does need some work and I can see how my essay is missing the "and why" aspect, athough there is a second short answer essay that I thought I would use to elaborate on specific career plans. Also I did make the business plan for the lodge my parents were going to buy, so it was as much my interest as their's, but maybe I can better highlight this to let the reader know this. Colleges are always full of idealists, so I was trying to come across as a realist (with real world experience) that still has good intentions. Thank you for all your advice and I will keep working on it.
there is a second short answer essay that I thought I would use to elaborate on specific career plans.
Oh, I see, well then this impression I got is only half of the impression you will be making. Good, I bet the impression you make will be great.
I just did my best yesterday to articulate the experience I got from it. If buying that resort was your project, too, and this is a "family business," that is another good way to make the essay inspirational!
:-)
BTW your last comment makes me think that you think idealism is a cliche! Ha ha, is it corny to express idealistic, very high-minded life goals? For example, read about the life of Thich Nhat Hanh. Some people settle for nothing less than the greatest possible effort to alleviate suffering and increase the likelihood that humanity will survive this weird century. Just a thought...
Hi Kevin-
Thanks I really appreciate all you feedback, below is what I hope is my final draft. For anyone else reading it for inspiration, here is where I am coming from: I am a transfer sutdent (I had to withdraw from college in 2005) with 5 years of industry experience. As an applicant, my highschool years were pretty solid, but in college I was under a lot of stress trying to find money to stay (plus I did too many demanding extracurriculars) so my grades are definitely above the cutoff, but not stellar.
After some reflection, and talking the interveiwer, I've decided the best way to present myself and show how I've grown is thru my work experience (luckily my school also really values work experience.) I have also decided that the supplemental essay for my school should be my main focus and have "everything" since I doubt short answers on the common app will be looked at as carefully (not saying that they shouldn't be good.) I think it is really important to remember, no matter what the prompt, is what the admissions committee is looking for and what you need to accomplish in the essay: letting them know why they want you, and why _______ is the best school/has the best programs for you. Anyway let me know if you have any feedback and good luck to everyone.
the best way to present myself and show how I've grown is thru my work experience (luckily my school also really values work experience.)
Awesome, this and your other reflections amount to sme great advice for everyone reading this. Focusing on your work experience is good for a number of reasons.
"swept up in the energy" is great.
Your first para ends with something that is good as part of an intro to a narrative, but it is not a thesis sentence for the essay. That means the thesis sentence should probably come here, where this sentence currently is:
Working on the frontlines of the hospitality industry has been hard. It has taken discipline, commitment and leadership through the long hours, endless guests and unexpected problems.----- this sentence is good, and the whole thing is good, but if you can enhance this sentence so that it expresses clearly the main theme for the whole essay. Power improves when an essay has a thesis sentence that states its message directly.
This is great!
