Human resource management answer - your specific concentration areas of interest

Hey guys,
pls see my answer to the following question and let me know if it actually answers what the question asks or am I going off track here? Thanks! :)

Within your proposed field of study, what do you want to study? Please describe in detail your specific
concentration areas of interest within your field of study. (Your response should be a minimum of two paragraphs. Your
response helps us to match your interests with college programs.)

I want to study Human Resource Management with a focus on HRM techniques most effective in bringing improvement in the public sector. The public sector in Pakistan is run by colonial patterns and the organizations are marked by a passive management culture. Political patronage rather than sound business decisions often determines policy formulation. As the private sector lags behind, the public sector is still the largest source of recruitments and service delivery provider for the common man. Outdated and faulty human resource management is a key factor in keeping the employment rate at a paltry 27% of the total population.

As a part of the executive in a leadership position, I want to undergo a thorough training in HRM techniques patterned on the American management style which is progressive and result oriented. I want to focus on areas of training and development, performance evaluation and human resource planning. As Deputy Commissioner, I will be able to craft policies for improved human resource management. Good governance is largely dependent on improving the quality of the human resource by making appointments on merit and placing strict measures of accountability and transparency to curtail the level of corruption that presently is eating away at the core of our public institutions. Through this training, I aim to improve the performance of the various public organizations such as public schools, hospitals and general administration of a district under my jurisdiction. This, in turn, will help me to make the best use of the limited resources of the government and help improve service delivery to millions of Pakistani citizens.

Nazia, your response is a bit off track here. It would be wise if you were to remove the references to the possible career government positions that you have indicated in your statement. These positions are not part of the required curriculum and will not help the university match your college programs with your interests. Instead, you should build up a 2 paragraph response that indicates the line of study you wish to pursue, indicating specific classes or research whenever possible, and the possible applications that you look forward to using in Pakistan. That way, your interests in Human Resource Management can be matched with your potential actions as an HRM in your home country, which in turn will allow the university to tailor a class program for you to enroll in this upcoming semester. That is what the college hopes to be able to do to help you out with your class choices and college studies during the regular term.

@Holt
thank you so much for giving me the tips. I think you're right and I felt that way myself. However, can you tell me which para I should take out? I think you're referring to the first one. Am I right? Should I expand on the second one and go into more detail about class and courses?

thanks!

Nazia, if you will kindly remove the reference to being a deputy commissioner, the second half of your response will be much more improved and better representative of the prompt dictated requirements and response. Start the second paragraph instead with the sentence "Good governance..." instead. That will tie in closely with your previous paragraph and further enhance the concentration of your studies and training in this field.

At this point, you only have to do one more thing in order to consider the response ready for submission. Review the essay that you wrote for prompt responsiveness. That means, you have to make sure that you are comfortable with what you have written and are absolutely sure that you have described your specific areas of concentration in your field of study. I think you have done that already but you might have a different opinion. Once you are sure you have not missed any presentation required in the essay, then the essay will be ready to submit.