Dear everybody,
I am applying as a transfer student to UT Austin. I have posted the personal essay below which I have to submit. Any opinions about grammar or the content would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Here is the information about the essay I have to write:
Personal Essay
Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
The essay I wrote:
As a Hungarian, the fate of my people and my home country will always be important to me, no matter where I am in the world. Although Hungary is said to be well-developed, there are still problems there severely affecting people's lives, which we must solve to become a true member country of Western Europe. To understand the situation of Hungary, we have to take a look back into the past.
At the end of World War II Hungary was invaded by the Red Army, and the Soviet Union established a communist dictatorship in the country. The Hungarian Revolution of 1956 was a trial to restore democracy, but the Soviet Army suppressed it. After the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1989, Hungary gain independency and became a democratic republic, leaving behind almost 50 years of suppression. The economic growth has started slowly but surely. Hungary was not able to completely break with its past, however, for the communist system left the country with huge state debts. Although these were decreasing at the end of the 20th century, they began to increase again from 2002. Under the rule of the socialist governments between 2002 and 2010 a series of bad acts and government regulations were enacted, which thwarted and turned back the development of the country. The situation became so bad that Hungary came out of the economic crisis of 2008 considerably worse than most western countries. In the elections of 2010 the new governing party won a two third majority in the Parliament, replacing the previous socialist government. Though the enactment of a new democratic constitution, replacing the older one based on the communist constitution, was a huge accomplishment of the new regime, they did not manage to solve the problems of the country yet and the situation has worsened under their rule as well.
One of the biggest problems waiting for solution is the issue of public health. Unlike in the USA, health insurance is completely state-controlled; a part of the people's salary is automatically given to the state for health care expenditures. However, state funds are not adequate to maintain an acceptable level of health care. The hospitals are in really bad condition, sick people have to wait a lot to get attended, and often the doctors do not cure them completely. This is what I experienced day by day. The wages of health care workers such as doctors and nurses are too low; many of them are leaving the country to find health care jobs in Western Europe for these reasons, thus constantly decreasing the number of doctors, which is already too low. If the course of health care does not change soon, it would have disastrous effects on the country and the next generations.
Another issue of importance for my people, especially for my generation, is education. The funding of elementary and secondary schools are not adequate, affecting the standards of education. High school teachers earn less than 900 dollars a month, which is not enough to maintain a family, and neither a good incentive to hold good classes. In many schools good grades do not require good performance from students; therefore many of them will have defective knowledge which negatively affects their post-secondary studies. Colleges and universities are free for roughly two third of high school graduates; these institutions receive most of their funds from the state after each enrolled student. The problem is that higher education is also underfunded, and having to admit students with defective knowledge makes the standards even lower. The core curriculum should be changed to make it more interesting to the youth, and the funding problems must be resolved to restore the standards of the once highly competitive Hungarian education.
The financing problems of health care, education and other social services derive from many problems. Wages are significantly lower than those in western countries, resulting in low amount of taxes collected. Too great numbers of people have to worry about how to pay the bills; therefore they cannot afford to spend money, which would stimulate the economy and increase tax revenues. Another huge problem is the number of taxpayers: out of the ten million residents of Hungary only three million are paying taxes.
Hungary has a burdensome past which severely affects its present. With these problems the hope for a bright future is somewhat pale for my generation. Social difficulties affecting people's daily life make the pursuit of happiness hard. I believe that the faith of the young and older generations in their country is important for the future; therefore these problems need to be resolved to restore the image of the country which can protect its people and can provide welfare amongst them, thus making Hungary good to live in.
Very nice! Your essay is very well done. I suggested a few changes, i hope this helps :)
Although Hungary is said to be well-developed, there are the country still has problems that severely affect people's lives. which we must solve to become a true member(established?) country of Western Europe.
After the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1989, Hungary gainedindependence and became a democratic republic, leaving behind almost 50 years of suppression.
The second paragraph is very lengthy and you may want to consolidate this section a bit. I feel like as a reader, the history section outweighs the part where it applies to your generation. The beginning of the history could be a little more interesting, It is essential to the essay that you focus on reasons to support the issues, not everything behind them. Expand on your final thoughts about your generation.
I believe that the faith of the young and older generations in their country is important for the future; therefore these problems need to be resolved to restore the image of the country which can protect its people and can provide welfare amongst them, thus making Hungary good to live in. I would change "good to live in" to a different phrase.
