Hey guys, new on here so forgive me If I'm posting this in the wrong area. But anyway, I'm currently a Sophomore Kinesiology major at UT Arlington looking to transfer to UT Austin in the fall of 2011. I was hoping I could get some advice or opinions on the essay portion of the application. Any advice or critiques would be greatly appreciated. (not sure why but it wouldn't let me indent paragraphs on here, so obviously that would be fixed on the final draft.
Thanks,
Chaz
Prompt: The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey.
Topic A
The process of public educational system's guiding students into their freshman year of college has became more and more routine over the years, this process of standardization has been not only convenient, but also effective for preparing young adults for the next chapter of their lives. All the influences from within the walls of education and on the outside in everyday life morph them into whom they have became at this stage of adolescent development. The typical 13 years in public education followed by 4 years in college has became a very methodical process, and to the credit of the public education system; it prepares students very well for the hardships they will later experience in life. But in the case of my adolescence, for the better or for the worse; I did not fall into the social norm of public education.
I grew up in a fairly small north Texas town, and followed the public schools system through my middle school years. But when I reached the summer of my freshman year, I reached a fork in the road of my life than my 15 year old mind probably wasn't cognitively capable of making. Since I was four years old my life had resolved around racing Motocross. Behind the public's perception of this sport which typically tends to receive biased news, lays one of the most physically demanding aspects of racing an athlete could put his body through. Through hard work and talent I was able to reach the top level of the sport in my age bracket by the age of 14. At the end of my 8th grade year contracts from manufactures such as Yamaha USA were being sent my way.
This idea of following my dreams sounded great on paper, but the problem with this was the amount of days in the year I would be required to spend traveling to races across the nation. There was simply no way this unorthodox agenda could fit in with a public education system. The decision I was forced to make was to follow my dream of becoming a professional in the sport of my passion, or staying behind to live the life of a normal American teenager. Long story short, after rationally considering both options I signed the contract. My family did countless hours of research into home school academies. We stayed away from the stereotype of an easy home school program that would without a doubt be the death of a possible college education. After months of searching we decided upon the Alpha Omega Academy. Alpha Omega was a large private academy that was set on giving children the best possible alternative to the public school system. When my freshman year began with the program, I was shocked at how difficult and methodical their curriculum was. There were no teachers, parents, or tutors breathing down my back to get my work done. It was simply my books, my computer, and I working to teach myself all the subjects required for a high school diploma.
After sometime of trial and error I got the process down, and began receiving A's in my classes with this new form of self applied learning. My racing career had been going great since I made the switch to the private academy. I was able to spend more hours in the gym and on the bike training. And by the time I turned 16, I was entering in my first race as a professional. This new level of racing brought up a new era of hardships in my academics; getting an education while spending the majority of the year away from home. From the day I got my drivers license, to the time I called my career quits for college I spent the majority of my time on the road traveling to racing events across the nation. When you find yourself half way across the country from your friends and family, with only enough cash to get to the next race from the winnings of the weekend before, and to young to rent a hotel room; I realized several things that I had to figure out quick in my life.
First and foremost, I had to grow up; being a normal 16 year old was not possible with this life style. I had to take on responsibilities beyond my years and take care of myself, my racing program, my education, my van, and all my equipment. And secondly, schooling would no longer be easy. The pleasures I enjoyed of being home schooled through a private academy were not longer convenient. Completing semesters of school in the back of a Dodge Sprinter van was no easy task, but I found in the end this independent form of learning prepared for college in ways that I couldn't yet understand. There were of course many growing pains that came along with this lifestyle of education. Finding wireless internet to send in book reports and research papers isn't exactly a simple click of the mouse when you're driving through the Mojave Desert in Nevada and various other rural parts of the country. Over time though, I found a routine that worked for my high paced life style. By setting aside several hours at the beginning and end of the day to complete my studies and off days to find ways to send them to my professors I was able to continue my education within in this hectic process.
As I approached my senior year college began to become a frequent though on my mind. This lifestyle I was living was not sustainable; I was putting miles on my body well beyond my age. Through various broken bones and other injuries over the years I developed a strong passion for Physical Therapy and the thought of pursuing a career as a Physical Therapist began to sound more appealing by the day. I was getting sick and tired of being in the gym by 5:30 AM and staying up into the late hours of the night just so I could get my training and studies done. I began to make to make the steps so that college would be an option for me; I took my SAT's and was relived to score in the high ends of the 1600's. Knowing that I had stayed on track with students in public school was a big relief off of my shoulders.
In my final year racing I was preparing to enter my debut season in the highest level of professional motocross when one crash changed my outlook on life indefinitely. At my final race on the Pro-Am level I went down hard in the first corner and was ran over by basically the entire pack of 42 racers. In my 15 years of racing this was the first time where I was laying on the ground and honestly had to face the reality that I may not make it out of this one alive. I had never had deal with the possibility of death before. This was a terrifying place to be, and as cliché as it may sound; It makes you realize the important things that you truly value. In this concussed, delirious and broken state I remember looking up at the sky and it became very obvious that even as much as I loved this sport, it was not the path I wanted to choice for my life.
Life is precious, every single contraction of hearts and inspiration of lungs are just a couple of the many things that take for granted every single day. But when lying in the back of ambulance truly unsure if you will live to see the sunrise one last time you really can comprehend the fact that every fleeting second we have is truly a blessed miracle. And by wasting these seconds on careers that in the long run were never going to help me meet true self-actualization was robbing myself of finding true happiness later in life. Even though my injuries turned out to be nothing more than a concussion, broken ribs, and mild internal bleeding; that emotional state I experienced when I tasked myself if this was the end of my young life was enough to change my views on the sport that I had loved so dearly for 15 years. I had no desire to pursue a career that I would never be able close my eyes at night knowing that I could never provide a fulfilling and stable means of income when I wanted to settle down in my late 20's and 30's. I knew from there that I wanted a career that would be safe, satisfying, and sustainable for my future; essentially I knew that I wanted to receive a collegiate education. This triggered a period of deep self reflection in my life and I knew deep down that focusing on my academics and getting a degree was the only way I would be able to support a family later in life and enjoy all the benefits from these new found goals that I has learned to desire. When the contracts for the 2009 season began to come in, I didn't sign a single one. Racing was simply a chapter in my life that I was ready to close and never look back on.
In the following months I filled applications for various colleges and decided the University of Texas at Arlington would be the best fit for my current situation. I found this transition to be a very easy switch, all the years of doing my school work independently had really prepared me for this switch. Not having teachers pressuring me to complete assignments was something that I had already been used to for the last four years. And to be perfectly honest, it was refreshing to be sitting in a class room listening to lectures again. Receiving higher knowledge was almost a natural high you could say. The work load wasn't overwhelming to me; it seemed to very similar to what I had already been doing with the Alpha Omega Academy, but with the obvious addition of having a professor to aide you with your studies. I found that the academy had forced me to reach a higher level of academic discipline then what most public education offers high school students.
The road to college was anything but ordinary for me, but it taught me life lessons that are priceless. I was blessed enough to have the opportunity to see the country with some of my best friends, follow my dreams, and still receive a proper high school education in the process. I learned early on what the important things in life were to me, and while I know I will never stop learning throughout my life, it set me up with a strong base of values and morals that I could carry into my young adulthood and college career. This lifestyle taught me the values of self discipline in education and a strong work effect that I know I will carry not only into undergraduate studies but my graduate studies as well. Even though this path through my educational career was unconventional, I feel that it has added a certain level of uniqueness to my academic background, forcing me to learn many new experiences that added value not only to my academic discipline, but also my discipline to life in general. These lessons have guided me down a path I never would have imagined. I felt that by signing those contracts at the age of 14 I was selling my life away to a lifetime of racing that was set in stone, but in reality it was just the prelude to my development in education.
You have a really nice writing style. There is a good piece of advice I want to give you, though. I call it Clarity in Transition. At the end of that first paragraph, you gave a sentence that is a little abstract, and that is fine, because abstract sentences are great sometimes, and they intrigue the reader. BUT if you choose to end the first paragraph in an abstract, mysterious way, you should give the reader some reliefe from that uncertainty by starting paragraph 2 with a sentence that clearly gives an answer to the question in the reader's mind: "What does he mean about the social norm of public education?"
I think you should reread the essay and find ALL sentences that you can take out without losing any of the essay's meaning. The reader has a lot of work to do as she interprets this essay, so eliminate all that is unhelpful... even good sentences, like this one:
The road to college was anything but ordinary for me, but it taught me life lessons that are priceles s.
It makes you realize the important things that you truly value.
Replace sentences like these with some sentences that express, over and over, that single message you want the reader to remember.
:-)
