elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences
My heart pulsates with the rhythm, my mind is immersed in notes and my arm is covered with goose bumps. Only music can hold such power. For me, it is a transformation from a world of teenage stress to a world of serenity and from an academically overachieving Indian kid to an unidentified Carnatic music vocalist. My identity in music is insignificant; it is masked by my interpretation of melodious scales, my varying skill in different rhythms, and my willingness to learn. I cherish that I am a part of something eternal; although there is an end to every life, there is never an end to music.
Any suggestions are appreciated. Thanks!
Nice it really shows that you likes music and enjoy rhythm!
My heart pulsates with the rhythm, my mind is immersed in notes and my arm is covered with goose bumps. Only music can hold such power. For me, it is a transformation from a world of teenage stress to a world of serenity and from an academically overachieving Indian kid to an unidentified Carnatic music vocalist. My identity in music is insignificant; it is masked by my interpretation of melodious scales, my varying skill in different rhythms, and my willingness to learn. I cherish that I am a part of something eternal; although there is an end to every life, there is never an end to music.
Can you answer one question for me? What is the topic of your essay? Where is your topic sentence for this para? You will need to re-work the essay so that it reflects what your personal experiences.
Mark
Nice introduction, but also remember to mention the thesis because it seems kind of blurry. Explain futher that something you do in music is an extraciricular activity because I cannot seem to catch what it is yet. Other than that it seems very natural and flowy :)
I forgot to mention that the maximum words for this short essay is 150 words. First, I had written the paragraph about my experiences and my performances, but I realized that I had already mentioned those things in the extracurricular list on the common app. Also, I was told to write more about my passion than my accomplishments.
Yes, I think that the line that you left in red can become your thesis statement, but it needs to be presented earlier in the text. Why don't you re-work the entire essay and then present it to us in that fashion, so that we can see the entire essay again?
Mark
Can this sentence be my thesis?
It will be your thesis if you build the rest of the essay around it. Use the word culture in the first sentence of paragraph #2, religion in the first sentence sentence of paragraph #3, and lineage in the first sentence of paragraph #4.
That will be a nice way to structure the essay.
Here is another idea for small changes:
For me, it is the transformation of a world of teenage stress into a world of serenity and from an academically overachieving Indian kid to an unidentified Carnatic music vocalist.
This is pretty great!
The only comment I have for you is with respect to the following sub-sentence: my varying skill: change it to: my varying skills.
Then, take what Kevin has suggested to you and re-work/re-write the essay and then present it to the forum again. You will find that a re-write often makes it sound and look better.
Mark
I forgot to mention that the maximum words for this short essay is 150 words.
I'm sorry, but there is a limit of 150 words. I'm not sure how much I can add on. Thank you for the suggestion about "varying skills," I'll definitely change that. Is there anything else I could change?
I just noticed this:
notes,
Add a comma after notes.
