Personal Identity; U of M- Religious Community & my place within it

Essay #1 (Required for all applicants. Approximately 250 words) Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.

Although I have never liked to define myself by my heritage or my background, my religious affiliation has always been a large part of who I am. My religion has provided me with a second family and a support network. Although we are united by a shared ideology the bond between us is much stronger. When we walk in to potlucks, socials, or services, there is something comforting about knowing that every person in that building genuinely cares about each other's well-being, and that if I ever needed them they would be there.

With each occasion attended with more enthusiasm than the last, arriving at any event is a relief knowing that we are all bound by the common goal of helping to guide our community through adversity and on to greater things. Through my religious community I have learned to be more mature and more accepting about my community. That great things are accomplished when people work together to make something happen. There hardly exists a more caring group of people and we are quick to defend our own members and share the fortune that we possess in our lives with the people around us.

The only problem within a unified community is that it can be hard to develop a personal identity within it. In the back of my mind, every decision and action that I take to improve myself has been with the intent and desire of going back to my second family and earning their respect for me as my own woman, rather than just as a child of my parents.

Although I generally don't like to define myself in terms of my cultural roots or background, I cannot deny that my religious affiliation has been a large part of who I am.


... punctuation :)
Well.... you no where talks about what your religion is :D I feel there is no harm in telling that and also it is important tell it to give the fullest effect of your writing to the reader. After all, this is a free world and everybody has the liberty to follow their religious beliefs. :)

Here is a revision:

The glimmer of the silk saris and the glow of the matching jewelry worn by the women are subdued by the notable divide between them and the men. The diyas which were lit hours ago seem to complement the decorated idols which they sit in front of. As I walk in I can hear the priest leading chants to which everyone rhythmically follows in tune. While I generally don't like to define myself in terms of my cultural roots or background, I cannot deny that my religious community has largely contributed to who I am.

With each occasion, whether it is an elaborate festival, family social, or just a simple service, attended with more enthusiasm than the last, arriving at any event is a relief knowing that we are all bound by the common goal of helping to guide our community on to greater things. It has become a support network and I feel comforted knowing that every person in that building genuinely cares about my well-being, and that if I ever needed them they would be there. Through my religious community I have learned to be more mature and more accepting about my community. That great things are accomplished when we work together to make something happen. A more caring group of people doesn't exist and we are quick to defend our own members yet happy to share the fortune that we possess in our lives with the people around us.

Within a unified community it can be hard to develop a personal identity. In the back of my mind, every decision and action that I take to improve myself has been with the intent and desire of going back to my second family and earning their respect for me as my own woman, rather than just as a child of my parents.

I feel like i'm not carrying my imagery throughout and just kinda cramming it in the beginning. I don't know how else to make it flow throughout tho. :/

I'm Hindu too! Hmm, I love the imagery in the beginning. And yeah, I feel you. I am not too religious but my morals revolve around my culture and religion. Hmm, I think you should describe a whole festival. Maybe Diwali! Since you started out with that. And don't be so explicit. Put in a narrative form. It'll make it a lot more interesting. You can do it :)