Ignorance and xenophobia, U of C Supplement, Dissolved and Solvent

I'm worried about the length. It is too long? I hope anyone can check the grammar, structure, and do you think my message is strong? Should I chose another prompt? How is the essay as a whole?

Essay Option 3. Salt, governments, beliefs, and celebrity couples are a few examples of things that can be dissolved. You've just been granted the power to dissolve anything: physical, metaphorical, abstract, concrete...you name it. What do you dissolve, and what solvent do you use?

Inspired by Greg Gabrellas, A.B. 2009

Immigrating to this country has been a beautiful and frightening experience. When I first came to the U.S., the most exciting thing in my life was having the opportunity to encounter, befriend, and learn from people of other cultures. This diversity encouraged me to understand others, educated me about innovative and breathtaking ideas, and cultivated an environment for personal growth. At the same time, growing up in America has been a difficult experience. I have been challenged because of the color of my skin and ridiculed for having had an accent.

While diversity can be a beautiful experience, nevertheless, it is not fully embraced. As a society, we expect immigrants to assimilate rather than find the appropriate balance of being Americans and honoring their heritage. Sadly, diversity has spawned ignorance and xenophobia in the place of understanding, respect, and growth. However, not every American has been lucky enough to grow up into two worlds as I have. The hostile sentiments against the increasing diversity in our society should be dissolved immediately. We must celebrate the difference in ethnicities, races, cultures, or ideas in order to strengthen our nation rather than divide us. The solvent is one that is easily accessible and effective: education. In a world that is getting increasing smaller, due to easier access of technology, a resilient education that teaches how diversity can be a learn experience rather than separate us is necessary.

As a society, we must nationally recognize the importance of diversity. The media has a devastating role in our perception of other cultures. We are made to fear rather than explore differences. As a result, the first step is that we must become critical thinker rather than blindly absorb speculations of the media. Furthermore, we should focus more on propagating shows such as Dora the Explorer. Although just a children's animated T.V. show, Dora's teaching goes beyond just our basic Spanish vocabulary, shapes, and numbers. Dora teaches children about the elements of the Latino culture, a new language, and that when encountered with a new culture, we should embrace and learn from it. Other nationally syndicated programs, ones that reach wider audiences, should be put in place.

Moreover, each individual community must take part in stressing that diversity can be a beautiful experience. In Chicago, I have personally seen this at work. When visiting ethnic communities such as China Town or Devon Avenue, I have been welcomed with open arms and the people have been more than glad to share their culture with me. These ethnic communities offer tourists a wealth of information and a glimpse into their native country.

Parents must also cultivate the next generation of youth to become critical, tolerant thinkers. This can be done by exposing their children to new cultural experiences, help them obtain a healthy understanding of other group identities, and create opportunities to interact with people different from them. Ultimately, parents have to model the behavior of open tolerance and be honest about differences between two people. I know this for a fact because my mom has been an immense role model in helping me understand others and pushing me to enrich myself within the context of other cultures.

Personally, it is up to every individual to seek out and explore the diversity in their communities. Each person should emerge themselves as comfortably as they see fit. Personally, despite my open tolerance to emerge myself in different cultures, I admit that I'm not perfect. Sometimes, I hesitate to partake in trying a new experience when I see something unfamiliar within another culture. However, every time this happens I acknowledge my values and prepare myself to embrace these healthy, enriching opportunities. This realization and commitment provides me with a great source of inspiration and when emerging myself; every single time I am left with wanting more.

Hey ecordo5!

I was aware of the discrimination that Latino people faced in America but I never knew the issue was that strong until I read your piece. It's marvelous how you explored why many Americans hold such an attitude. I really enjoyed your writing in the middle section of your essay.

However, I felt reading your essay required careful attention. The moment I got distracted, I lost track.
It's a strong subject and you've done well expressing your views as an immigrant who has to deal with such things. You've managed to show that the topic is personal to you.

Good Job. :)
Don't worry about the length. U of C has no word limits for their essay. I read it on their site.
I think mine was about the same length, probably a little longer. :P :)

Read my essays please! :)
Thanks.

Thank you! And, why do you think it requires careful attention? What should I do to fix it? It would really help me...

Hey there,

I did not mean it that way. Your essay has a serious tone. Probably that's why the reader needs to pay attention. Any distraction and one loses track. Do you get what I mean? :)

You can't obviously do much there. But it's good the way it is.

Haven't you submitted the supplement already? :o

Really great essay, there was not a thing I did not like. It flowed well, and you gave your solution to the problem, supporting details. While reading it, I was engaged, and also found myself agreeing with you, or wanting to talk to you about the subject myself. Very strong essay, good luck ^_^

I like the theme of your essay as illegal immigration has been a hot button issue in every election cycle I can remember. However, I'm afraid that you are coming off a little too strong. Latino/hispanic culture is very well represented in the United States, most especially in the south and large urban centers. Your core argument that Americas refuse to accept other cultures because they are ignorant or scared will be a hard sell. I also believe it is a bad idea to attack the culture/people that the reviewers are likely to be.

In the middle of your essay you made a great point about how the media represents minorities and the need for more positive depictions. You may try to carry this idea forward, but try to approach it from a more positive angle. Talk about the positive trend that show a larger percentage of minorities dissolving barriers and portraying more positive roles in the media. Then follow with the importance of cultivating younger generations to continue this trend. There are many examples in the Indian-American, Latin/hispanic-American and especially the Jewish-American communities. Stay away from hot button issues and like I said before, keep it positive.

You have great writing style that really keeps the the energy flowing through your essay. Keep it up!

Here are few technical mistakes I found:
In the third sentence of the first paragraph I think you meant to use assistance instead of assisting.
In the second sentence of the third paragraph emerged should be immersed.
In the seventh sentence of the third paragraph disclose should be disclosed. In the same sentence you might try saying "people for whom I have the greatest esteem".

The word retribution carries a connotation of punishment, maybe a better word would be condemnation.
In the second to last sentence of the fourth paragraph enlighten should be enlightening.
In the fifth paragraph solvent should be solution. You may try including this sentence into the following paragraph.
In the third sentence of the last paragraph particularity should probably be particular person.

There are many run on sentences and a few sentence fragments in this essay. You should take some time to tighten up you paragraphs a bit.

I suggest breaking this sentence into multiple parts to succinctly state your thesis.

About the bold part. Yes, Americans are against illegal immigration because it is an illegal act; however, it does not mean that the majority of Americans are necessarily hostile toward illegal immigrant with the same degree. In stating the bold part, it seem that you condoning committing an illegal act rather than advocating for the rights of illegal immigrants.

I don't think that's what you want to convey. I just wanted to point that out so that you are aware and might choose better words or ways to express what you mean.


You break parallelism here.



I think "my" is too strong here. Maybe replace it w/ "the Latino people face"




Yep, I agree with this guy. Forgive me for saying this (I'm just being honest), but it seem that you state too many things without basis. There are festivals celebrating the Hispanic and other culture alike, some more than the other. As you might be aware, there are Hispanic Month and Cinco de Mayo to celebrate the diversity that the Hispanic culture brought to America. I agree that there are not many of those celebrations, but at least there are. Maybe you're saying that we should have more of those celebrations instead?


In high school, Spanish is the most selected language for students to study. There are Spanish club and other Hispanic organizations in colleges and university. If you've had an experience where you were educated in a classroom or environment that didn't emphasize about diversity and instead focus on assimilation, you should retell your experience and give some basis for your argument.


I'm probably an idiot or something, but this sentence wasn't clear to me. What are you trying to say?

Like others stated, your essay is too strong. I think you're trying to spread yourself too far with this essay. I like ending where you relate your experience with the Asian/Indian/etc. culture and the positive impact that those interaction has left on you. It really leaves a positive note at the end to finish up such an essay with a serious tone.

BTW, thanks for commenting on my other essay. If you have some time, pls take a look at my new one. Thanks

Good luck :D

Thank you for all your comments, yes, I will be more positive. And, while I do agree that Latino culture is represented well, it's becoming more of an issue of assimilation rather than integration. I do not have the time to debate this lol. But, it's true and celebrations such as "Cinco De Mayo" are not done to show cultural pride but is done b/c of our consumer-culture, essentially, to make money. Cinco de Mayo isn't even celebrated in Mexico! Although our country is becoming increasingly diverse, it's this diversity that generates hostility rather than being embraced. I will fix my essay, thanks again all!

This is really good!! :) It's very succinct and works well as a hook.



You broke parallelism here. Instead of "blindly absorb speculation..." maybe use words like "news media junkies." This one is tricky to fix, hmm.


The conclusion is good. I love the part where you said "emerge themselves as comfortably as they see fit" which really conveys your tolerance of others' differences and comfort zones. The bold part is a little weak, and I think you can end your essay in a stronger way.

Take my corrections as suggestions.
Good luck!

Return the favor and critique my essay. Thanks!! :)

Thank you for your comments. Do you think it's good enough though? How can I stand out? =/

I think perhaps the "solvent" should be "solution".


I agree with Itpvan, you broke parallelism here. You should put a noun instead.

In the last paragraph, as a matter of style, it is nicer to use one "Personally" and you should end the essay in a stronger way.

Hope this helps. Please critque mine, thank you!

[Moved from]: University of Chicago, Diversity is Beauty, Dissolve and Solvent

This was an awesome essay! You stated well known facts and then proceeded to provide excellent supporting information. Your suggestions to solve these issues were great and your examples made a lot of sense and were convincing. I was very impressed and me also being a Latino American I highly agree with everything you just wrote. It made me say Yes, you're right! This can be done! WE just all have to do it together! Regardless if the person who reads this is Latino or not, your thoughts were well explained and persuasive.

There are some grammatical errors, but not many. A careful read through on your part should do.

I really enjoy your writing. Thanks for sharing!

These all sort of mean the same thing. What you really need to know is whether is has the most useful psychological effect on the reader. You want the reader to feel inspired by you, so that there is a desire to open doors of opportunity for you.

I think you should get rid of the first sentence. The essay will have a stronger start if it begins with the second sentence.

Then, at the end of the first paragraph, I suggest clearly answering their question about what you would like to dissolve.

Here is a tip that will improve your writing forever! :-) I am happy to be able to giv it to you. Capitalize when you quote someone's sentence:

...that, "You should go back to your country, you don't belong here," or my favorite, "Your people make me sick." ---I'm so embarrassed by the Americans that think this way. They make me sick!

I think you achieved your goal! But find a place near the beginning of the essay to say clearly what you want to dissolve.