U of Illinois transfer application essay: Academic interests

I've already edited this essay a bazillion times and I just wanted that last bit of critiquing before I actually submit it.

ESSAY #1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.

My interest in philosophy can be traced back to my early years in which ancient Greek tunics were replaced with solid diapers and a "why" mentality that would have made Socrates proud. In fact, my adolescent philosophical views on life motivated me to apply my signature proclamation of questioning "why" in search for a prominent and enriching life.

Running away from home can sound bizarre to many, especially when the runaway child was a nine year old boy who strived for a better sense of being. I was very young and naive when I was nine, but how many children are actually mature at that age? I proceeded to pack my backpack up with bologna and an extra pair of socks without any real motivation or direction as I headed outside to venture onto my new life. Reason being, my current life felt empty to me at that time. I made it only a couple houses down and decided to turn around and head back home; because after all, it was unnecessary to leave home. My desire and passion for greatness at such a young age was the facilitating reason for my self-reflective thoughts. Although I didn't realize it yet, I actually successfully ventured onto a new lifestyle and a new passion - philosophy.

Fast forward about ten years later and being formally re-introduced to the subject of philosophy, I was hooked instantly. My brain was the pioneer and the subject of philosophy was America. The art of grounding and exploring so many diverse topics was the real focal point of my attraction to philosophy. Stumbling upon the subject of philosophy at the age of nine was the result of an unsuccessful runaway attempt. I am proud of myself for being naturally passionate about the subject.

I liked your essay, I thought it was unique and interesting. I think you could make a few changes to this sentence: Although I had not realized it yet, I actually successfully ventured onto a new lifestyle and a new passion - philosophy.

I also do not think most people would consider running away bizarre, it is something most people consider once in their lifetime. Maybe you could say naive and then say you where naive at that age in the next sentence. I would consider taking out the adjective young, it is apparent that you were young at 9.

I hope this helps!!

Thanks. I read and tried to critique your essay but when I clicked Post Reply it gave me an error message that the thread was moved. Would you like me to do it again?

Sure I reposted it:

essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/seems-like- all-they-want-simple-response-academic-goals-13147/

You can try that it might work! thanks!

Some comments/suggestions:

which ancient Greek tunics were replaced with solid diapers. <-- Do you mean the diapers were replaced with tunics and the "why" mentality?

was the facilitating reason ---> facilitated my self-reflective thoughts.

I am proud of myself for being naturally passionate about the subject. <--- Seems unnecessary.

because after all, it was unnecessary to leave home. <--clarify. Why did you change your mind all of a sudden? On the other hand, you might leave it out completely. The reader could assume from your age at the time, and how you describe yourself as having no real direction, that you

The paragraph describing the attempt at running away was great! It made me go, "Awww!!" The one thing you can do greatly improve your essay is to be more focused in the conclusion.

lol thanks for that. put a smile on my face that you actually felt compassion for me. I'll look into those changes and see what really flows.