"Imagination is my playground" - College Application Essay ; Carnegie Mellon

Hi

I am writing my essay for CMU.
To be honest, I am not likely to be accepted. sadly...
I wish my essay would not boring you.

I have absolutely no idea of how this thing goes.
So i read couple of essays of others. Then tried to follow the format.
I uploaded this prewriting because I need advise for the direction + etc etc.
I will truly appreciate your comment.

I was destined to be a dreamer.
Imagination was my favorite playground. It turned the gray colored forest around me into the beautifully charming world. Pictures and memories gave flesh and my families and friends became heroes and villains of the world. I could dwell in the swirling scent of dream forever. As the time went, the desire for the formless dream grew stronger. And the moment when I heard about the computer science, the miracle that gives form to the formless things, I realized that it was the only oasis that could satisfy my thirst.

As I grow old my dream grew flesh and matured. But the "wall" had struck me into pieces. At the moment, I read the book, The Last Lecture. It gave me hope, possibility, the future. I was a mad man. I went straight to my grand father then asked him to send me to abroad. The journey to be here was a rocky road. I was never a good student in my country. I spent most of my time with non-school books. Never learned any second language. Never educated anything school related.

is this too long to be an introduction?
or is it too personal?
should i had to say in third-person?
what should I say now...?

Hello KyungHwan,

you might want to rethink, what you want to write about.
At the moment the text sounds a bit "too much" to me. What are you actually talking about, what is the essence? Write down some points, that you want to make in your essay. Furthermore, if you use some real life examples they pictorial/dramatic language might work pretty good.

In Short: Allow the reader to ask questions such "Why?", "When did this actually happen?" and "What impacts had it?" and answer those questions.

Hope to help ya

I think you should omit the first sentence. It is nice to start with that second sentence, which is more intriguing. The first sentence is a little cheesy.

As I grow old grew older, my dream grew flesh and matured.

is this too long to be an introduction?
Only the first paragraph is an introduction. Para #2 is getting into the body of the essay, and I like your reference to The Last Lecture.

or is it too personal?
No, it is rhythmic and interesting.

should i had to say in third-person?
What?

what should I say now...?
I think you should show them that you have been reading all about current developments in the field and that you have specific plans for how you will use specific resources in college. Show that you have a great idea about what you want to do.

:-)