Help me proofread my essay, here's the prompt:
USA - India Trip
I will never forget my first trip outside the United States. In the 7th grade, my parents took my sister and me back to India to visit family and learn more about our roots. As an Indian-American I never thought I would feel like such a foreigner in my "home" country. What an eye-opener it was to see a world so different from the one you grew up in. To see things from the outside and know what a different life I would have led if I had been raised in India. Even though it was a challenge being in a cultural environment different from the one I was used to, the experience I brought back helped me understand myself better, and become a better global citizen. From this experience I will bring a greater respect of cultural and linguistic differences as a Peace Corps Volunteer.
Most of the trip we spent visiting close relatives and family members. Both my parents have six siblings, so there was no shortage of people to stay with. Building trust with my hosts was easy because it was family; building confidence to speak Hindi - a bit harder. Even though I grew up speaking Hindi around the house, I quickly learned that I have an American accent. Rolling RR's and making that sharp T sound just didn't come easy to me as I had been pronouncing things differently my entire life. I adapted quickly and learned to pronounce words as they did there, I was a kid so it was a lot easier to adjust my speech. As an adult, I know I will have to try harder to adjust my accent, but it is something I'm prepared to do because of my experience in India
I have a feeling being a Peace Corps Volunteer will be much like my first trip to India. There will be a short trust building phase with a host family or group, followed by a long period of bonding and learning. It will be a struggle I'm sure as there were parts of being in India I didn't enjoy, but like all things in life you just have to accept things they way they are. Visiting India gave me a greater understanding of linguistic and cultural differences in the world, and is an asset I will bring with me as a Peace Corps Volunteer.I liked the idea of your essay which has covered almost all the points that was needed in the prompt. Here are some things I would like to suggest on your essay.
1) I could not understand what you actually wanted to express in this sentence : 'After a few weeks, I finally understood why my parents said things they 'the' way they did growing up.' May be you could say it this way ' During my stay in India, for a few weeks, I had an opportunity to intently understand my parents' childhood life.'
2) I could not relate the 'aluminium foil' and washing of hands example with what you were trying to express. I guess, you can give some other example to increase the weight of ur essay.
Hope this helps.
I would say, overall, it was a good attempt.
Awesome, thx I will add to it.
Use a hyphen: eye-opener
...to see things from the outside and to know what a different life I would have led if I had been raised in India.
This part is very clever: Partly due to negotiation skills (another story in itself), and my improved Hindi.
The best thing I think I got from that trip was the insight that I just have to be myself.
People might judge me because of my...----For a nice style, it is better to talk about "I" and "me" rather than "you."
Anyway, this essay is great, and I know they will be impressed and accept you!
Thanks EF_ Kevin. I'll post a revised copy later today. Essay Forum is an awesome resource btw.
Okay, here's a revised copy. Help me put together a better ending. I dunno, it just sounds too cliche
I will never forget my first trip outside the United States (I was too young to remember emigrating here from India at age 2). In the 7th grade, my parents took my sister and me back to India to visit family and see where we came from. As an Indian-American I never thought I would feel like such a foreigner in my "home" country. What an eye-opener it was to see a world so different from the one you grew up in. To see things from the outside and know ...
Edit: I revised it some more.
The middle paragraph has no period at the end. The last sentence of the essay repeats an idea you already expressed.
Other than those 2 small issues, this is great!!
