I just recently wrote this essay and need to cut about 62 words from it to get it under 500 words. Any kind of opinion and criticism would be greatly appreciated.
The prompt:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
The essay:
When growing up in life, the actions of those around you can greatly influence the path you take. During my life I have had such an influence from someone close to me - my brother.
Throughout my life I have witnessed my brother continuously take the wrong path down life. His life has been consumed by drugs, lying, cheating, and stealing, with his school and academics at the very bottom of his list. I have personally witnessed him steal from my parents, take advantage of my parents and the unconditional love my mom has for him, and even seen him overdosed in the hospital. These are things you may see on television and think of it as pretty breath taking, but I have lived through it. Living with such a careless, ignorant person that constantly lies and steals from friends and family has made me want to never be like that. Drugs are another thing that has completely taken over his life. Cocaine, xanex, oxycotton; you name it and he has done it. Seeing him with bloodshot eyes and a tube down his throat in a hospital bed is something that one cannot fathom and understand the impact it has on a family without actually seeing it with their own eyes.
Needless to say, growing up with a person such as my brother has been a mind boggling experience. Anything that one could ever think of doing, he has done, and has kept my mind on school and academics and concentrated on my goals. Knowing what ignoring school and taking the wrong path can do has kept me extremely concentrated on my academics which can be portrayed with my constant straight A's all through high school. I have dedicated countless hours to my school and stayed away from the drugs, stealing, and lying that has tarnished my brothers life. Living a life such as his has pushed his friends away and family away even further. He can't be trusted as far as he can be thrown and I never want that to be said of me. Trust is one aspect that once it's lost, it is not very likely to be gained again. The experience of having someone close to me like my brother has made me realize what will happen to my life if I don't stay on the right path.
Having seen what not to do in life has kept my will strong and my determination even stronger. This point of view will undoubtedly carry onto college and help keep my eyes on the prize. Having been through such a long experience has left a permanent mark on my life. My college experience will be similar to my high school experience in terms of grades and how I carry myself. College will be a chance for me to go farther than anyone in my family has and push myself farther away from going down the wrong path. I plan to keep my grades as high as possible and enjoy the better aspects of life. Having gone through such an experience will make me live my college experience to the fullest and keep my mind on my goals. I hope to let him know what kind of impact he has had on my life, regardless of how inadvertently he has done it. Maybe when he finally gets out of prison.
The prompt:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
The essay:
When growing up in life, the actions of those around you can greatly influence the path you take. During my life I have had such an influence from someone close to me - my brother.
Throughout my life I have witnessed my brother continuously take the wrong path down life. His life has been consumed by drugs, lying, cheating, and stealing, with his school and academics at the very bottom of his list. I have personally witnessed him steal from my parents, take advantage of my parents and the unconditional love my mom has for him, and even seen him overdosed in the hospital. These are things you may see on television and think of it as pretty breath taking, but I have lived through it. Living with such a careless, ignorant person that constantly lies and steals from friends and family has made me want to never be like that. Drugs are another thing that has completely taken over his life. Cocaine, xanex, oxycotton; you name it and he has done it. Seeing him with bloodshot eyes and a tube down his throat in a hospital bed is something that one cannot fathom and understand the impact it has on a family without actually seeing it with their own eyes.
Needless to say, growing up with a person such as my brother has been a mind boggling experience. Anything that one could ever think of doing, he has done, and has kept my mind on school and academics and concentrated on my goals. Knowing what ignoring school and taking the wrong path can do has kept me extremely concentrated on my academics which can be portrayed with my constant straight A's all through high school. I have dedicated countless hours to my school and stayed away from the drugs, stealing, and lying that has tarnished my brothers life. Living a life such as his has pushed his friends away and family away even further. He can't be trusted as far as he can be thrown and I never want that to be said of me. Trust is one aspect that once it's lost, it is not very likely to be gained again. The experience of having someone close to me like my brother has made me realize what will happen to my life if I don't stay on the right path.
Having seen what not to do in life has kept my will strong and my determination even stronger. This point of view will undoubtedly carry onto college and help keep my eyes on the prize. Having been through such a long experience has left a permanent mark on my life. My college experience will be similar to my high school experience in terms of grades and how I carry myself. College will be a chance for me to go farther than anyone in my family has and push myself farther away from going down the wrong path. I plan to keep my grades as high as possible and enjoy the better aspects of life. Having gone through such an experience will make me live my college experience to the fullest and keep my mind on my goals. I hope to let him know what kind of impact he has had on my life, regardless of how inadvertently he has done it. Maybe when he finally gets out of prison.