An Undergraduate UF Essay (influance from my brother). Criticism and opinions.

I just recently wrote this essay and need to cut about 62 words from it to get it under 500 words. Any kind of opinion and criticism would be greatly appreciated.

The prompt:

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

The essay:

When growing up in life, the actions of those around you can greatly influence the path you take. During my life I have had such an influence from someone close to me - my brother.

Throughout my life I have witnessed my brother continuously take the wrong path down life. His life has been consumed by drugs, lying, cheating, and stealing, with his school and academics at the very bottom of his list. I have personally witnessed him steal from my parents, take advantage of my parents and the unconditional love my mom has for him, and even seen him overdosed in the hospital. These are things you may see on television and think of it as pretty breath taking, but I have lived through it. Living with such a careless, ignorant person that constantly lies and steals from friends and family has made me want to never be like that. Drugs are another thing that has completely taken over his life. Cocaine, xanex, oxycotton; you name it and he has done it. Seeing him with bloodshot eyes and a tube down his throat in a hospital bed is something that one cannot fathom and understand the impact it has on a family without actually seeing it with their own eyes.

Needless to say, growing up with a person such as my brother has been a mind boggling experience. Anything that one could ever think of doing, he has done, and has kept my mind on school and academics and concentrated on my goals. Knowing what ignoring school and taking the wrong path can do has kept me extremely concentrated on my academics which can be portrayed with my constant straight A's all through high school. I have dedicated countless hours to my school and stayed away from the drugs, stealing, and lying that has tarnished my brothers life. Living a life such as his has pushed his friends away and family away even further. He can't be trusted as far as he can be thrown and I never want that to be said of me. Trust is one aspect that once it's lost, it is not very likely to be gained again. The experience of having someone close to me like my brother has made me realize what will happen to my life if I don't stay on the right path.

Having seen what not to do in life has kept my will strong and my determination even stronger. This point of view will undoubtedly carry onto college and help keep my eyes on the prize. Having been through such a long experience has left a permanent mark on my life. My college experience will be similar to my high school experience in terms of grades and how I carry myself. College will be a chance for me to go farther than anyone in my family has and push myself farther away from going down the wrong path. I plan to keep my grades as high as possible and enjoy the better aspects of life. Having gone through such an experience will make me live my college experience to the fullest and keep my mind on my goals. I hope to let him know what kind of impact he has had on my life, regardless of how inadvertently he has done it. Maybe when he finally gets out of prison.

The prompt:

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

The essay:

When growing up in life, the actions of those around you can greatly influence the path you take. During my life I have had such an influence from someone close to me - my brother.

^Not needed. Admissions Commitee are fairly aware of the first sentence. If you remove the first sentence, the second sentence does not make sense. Therefore, I removed everything so that you can directly focus on addressing the issue at hand, which you do in the first sentence of your next paragraph.

Throughout my life I have witnessed my brother continuously take the wrong path down life. His life has been consumed by drugs, lying, cheating, and stealing, with.his school and academics at the very bottom of his listSchool and academics were at the very bottom of his priority list. I have personallywitnessedseen him steal from myour parents as well as take advantage of my parentsthem.and the unconditional love my mom has for him, and evenhas even seen him overdosed in the hospital. These are things you may see on television and think of it as pretty breath taking, but I have lived through it .

^Readers understand that this is a difficult situation and a reminder is not necessary.

Living with such a careless, ignorant person that
who constantly lies and steals from friends and family has made me want to never be like that.
^Overhere, you should say why you never want to be like this..

Drugs are another thing that has completely taken over his life. Cocaine, xanex, oxycotton; you name it and he has done it., all types, such as cocaine, xanex, oxycotten etc, have completely taken over his life.

Seeing him with bloodshot eyes and a tube down his throat in a hospital bed is something that oneI couldcannot fathom andnor understand the impact it has on ahad on my family without actually seeing it with their own eyes.

^Hmm I was not too sure what you meant in the last part. I am sure that the doctors could look at your brother with bloodshot eyes and a tube down his throat. So, 'one' is a bit of a general term and does not apply to everyone.

Needless to say, growing up with a person such as my brother has been a mind boggling experience. Anything that one could ever think of doing, he has done, and has kept my mind on school and academics and concentrated on my goals.

^What are you trying to say here? You talk about him, then talk about yourself. The transition is not smooth and perhaps, you should use a full stop? I do not know what you are trying to say so I can not comment.

Knowing whathow ignoring school and taking the wrong path can do has kept me extremely concentrated on my academics which can be portrayed with myis evident from my constant straight A's all through high school. I have dedicated countless hours to my school and stayed away from the drugs, stealing, and lying that has tarnished my brothers life. Living a life such as his has pushed his friends away and family away even further. He can't be trusted as far as he can be thrown and I never want that to be said of me. Trust is one aspect that once it's lost, it is not very likely to be gained again.

^In the last sentence, replace the comma with a full stop.

The experience of having someone close to me like my brother has made me realize what will happen to my life if I don't stay on the right path.

6
^Youve already said that, and pretty much go on to say it again in the next paragraph.

Having seen what not to do in life has kept my will strong and my determination even stronger. This point of view will undoubtedly carry onto college and help keep my eyes on the prize.

^What prize?

Having been through such a long experience has left a permanent mark on my lif e. My college experience will be similar to my high school experience in terms of grades and how I carry myself. College will be a chance for me to go farther than anyone in my family has and push myself farther away from going down the wrong path. I plan to keep my grades as high as possible and enjoy the better aspects of life. Having gone through such an experience will make me live my college experience to the fullest and keep my mind on my goals. I hope to let him know what kind of impact he has had on my life, regardless of how inadvertently he has done it. Maybe when he finally gets out of prison.

^Perhaps, you can remove the last two lines. They are useful ones, however I do not think they should be your closing lines.
Overall, your essay is quite powerful, personal and genuine. Your UF essay is one of the better ones I have seen on this site because you understand and discuss what you have learnt from this experience. If you could add a line on how it has influenced you, and how you plan on using this influenced personality of yours at college, your essay could come off as really strong. For now, you talk about how the experience has taught you something. However, the essay question does ask how this experience will contribute to the UF Campus. So just address that part of the question in your answer. Post a revision soon.

Good job, Liebe. That's exactly what I would have suggested.

:D their like in cahoots :P