Prompt: How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?
For years and years, my family has gathered at my grandma's house right before Christmas to help her trim her tree. Her house is a rather large Victorian home, so naturally she has a rather large Christmas tree. Every year the same old ornaments come out, but they're not your average Christmas ornaments. Instead, my grandmother has accumulated boxes of some of the ugliest and aged ornaments. I love rediscovering the old ragged stuffed animals that have been kept since the days when my aunts and uncles were kids; each one seems to hold its own unique story or memory of years passed.
Near the end of the night, all 21 of us grandkids gather on my grandma's steps to sing Christmas carols. No matter how old ...
Grace... THIS IS NOT AT ALL WHAT THEY ARE ASKING....! You have just described one ritual and what purpose does it solve? This essay is a question which is based on the family and culture, but basically is question....who are you? What is different about you? AND EXPLAIN, how are you different?
This is a very poor essay, where I cannot know you at all. What are the traditions that make you different? What are the qualities? How has your family made you what you are? How have family and background affected your career choice?(The last may not be necessary but would be great if you could add.)
Add some more meat and post it up for reviewing. Tell your essay something about yourself.
:) Hope this helps...
PS: Do not take the harshness personally... it is only that essay is an integral part of the application and one needs a perfect essay to show.
Well, I think it comes close! It just misses the mark by a little bit.... That last para needs to be longer, so that it can help the reader dive into thinking about how this family experience will influence you in your career.
It says "who you are," but going to college is all about your career... so... discuss what your career might be and how this memory is significant. Discuss the insight you get from this memory and how those insights relate you your career possibilities.
I wrote a whole new essay for the UCF prompt I chose above. Does it apply to the prompt well? Suggestions Please!
There was never a dull moment in my house growing up, seeing as how I was the youngest of 6 kids. Neither of my parents ever made substantial amounts of money, but nonetheless we got by just fine. Actually, I believe we were all better off because we had to use our imaginations for entertainment, instead of video games and the internet like kids today.
I chose to spend the majority of my time outside barefoot, tagging along behind my brothers and their friends. At times, our age differences seemed like my handicap, making me slower and weaker. Then, my first love came along...the bicycle. With my training wheels off and the wind at my back, I was no longer the tag-a-long. Instead, I was an equal, one of the boys. My brothers and I would spend hours riding bikes, chasing and racing each other through the woods or teaching each other new tricks.
As I've grown older, my love for the bicycle has only grown fonder. Journeying around town on Sunday afternoons with my father or just cruising through the neighborhood with my mom are little sentimental moments I've learned to cherish.
My ultimate goal in life is to one day open my own bicycle shop where I can share my love for bicycles with others. While starting my own small business is going to be quite a challenge, I trust that my passion for bicycles will lead me to success, working with what I love.
good for you ,Grace! I'm also really into bicycle, maybe someday I will pass by your bicycle shop when I tour.
Capitalize Internet.
Don't write "kids today," because it is an overused phrase.
I think this should be the last sentence of the first paragraph:
I chose to spend the majority of my time outside barefoot, tagging along behind my brothers and their friends. At times, our age differences seemed like my handicap, making me slower and weaker. Then, my first love came along...the bicycle.
(So, what I mean is that I think you should include that sentence in the first para, and do a paragraph break after "the bicycle.")
:-)