'many influential figures' - who has made an impact on your life (My Father)

PLEASE HELP ME IS THIS A GOOD ESSAY FOR COLLEGE ADMISSIONS????

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you

There is always that certain someone who formulates a profound impact on an individual's life. This person shall strongly encourage one to make the right choice on the many difficult decisions one will confront during their lifetime.

In my life there have been not one, but many influential figures. One in particular that has constructed a massive effect on me is my oldest sibling Samantha Yvette Inocencio. We aren't alike in personalities, but we stick together like two peas in a pod. She has always sacrificed herself and put an immense effort into her education. My sister is of great assistance and advices me to try my best in everything I do. It is hard to describe her except for the fact that she is an extraordinary perfectionist. Samantha has always given me the impression that my dreams are closer than they appear to be. She has facilitated me from a young age on the many things I have struggled in. I still reminisce the time when I entered this art contest. I was supposed to make a painting based on the things I loved. I remember I had two days before my drawing was due and still it was difficult for me to come up with something to draw about. I rush to my sister's room searching and looking for clues to find out what I can draw and still nothing came to mind. Then I saw my sister and I asked her and all she would tell me "draw something that comes from your heart, you will figure it out I promise." Those words astonish me, but still I didn't get what she was trying to tell me. I thought and thought for hours until an idea pop out of my mind. Those words did help and somehow my sister knew I figure what to draw sooner or later. I brainstorm for a while and started to draw. Hours pass and I drew my sister and me together with the things we both love to do. That day I felt so happy because I knew the person that I felt most close to and admired was my sister. I entered my drawing and won first place. I couldn't believe it I won! My sister brought me flowers and told me "I told you Amy you can do it yourself; just set your mind to it." I hugged her and realize how lucky I am to have a great supporter in my life, whatever the situation is I know she will always be there to assist me.

This is too heavy on your father and doesn't say enough about you. The essay needs to be about someone who has made an impact on you, but the focus still needs to be on the impact he has had on YOU instead of a mini-biography of him. You're the one applying to college.

Most of your verbs are in the passive voice. It makes the essay longer (without saying more) and sucks the life out of the sentences. Try to eliminate as many of those "to be" verbs as you can.

Here's a list of the verbs in the beginning of your essay:
is
makes
is
will have
has been
is
to describe
is
treats
do
is
will do
to be
has been
was
getting
is
it's
to obtain

A couple of other thoughts:
Spell out the numbers in your essay.

Mix up your sentence structure more. In your third paragraph, for example, the first four sentences start with: My father, He has, He strives, my father.

There are a couple of places where your verb tenses are inconsistent. "I took a deep breath, relax myself and hope for the best." I'd take out "relax myself" and just put "relaxed."

Thank you so much if you have any more suggestions please tell me how else can i improve my essay..Anyone ELSE WITH SUGGESTIONS =)

HELP ME OUT PLEASE

Writing about suicide is not a good idea for an admissions essay.

Why not ..IF i may ask???

^Generic and unnecessary.


^I'm confused...I can't see how this essay is about suicide.

I imagine that your essay will be completely different once you implement noto's advice. Why don't you go ahead and do that and repost for further feedback?

"Why not ..IF i may ask???"

Some "sensitive" topics in the hands of a judgmental person predispose them to a negative mindset about the applicant. In other words, suicide as a topic in your essay could disqualify you from consideration. Always be cognizant of the advantages and disadvantages of a subjective appraisal by your fellow human.

"I'm confused...I can't see how this essay is about suicide."

The essay in question from post #4 (I think) has been subsequently removed.

Depends what one is saying about suicide. Without the essay it is difficult to judge. If you were discussing, say, how you coped with the loss of a friend or relative you committed suicide, that could be a very interesting topic, though one admittedly difficult to write about. If you were talking about it as something you had considered, then it is probably best not to mention it in an admissions essay, even though such thoughts aren't really that uncommon. It can provoke more negative responses than one would hope reasonable people would have.

IS THIS ONE GOOD ANY SUGGESTION PLEASE I DO POORLY IN ESSAYS ANY SUGGESTIONSSS PLEASEEEEE..

This is your third different essay in the same thread. One essay per thread, two in certain situations if you're sensible.