Essay C- Personal info you want considered as a part of your admissions essay

This is my rough draft. FYI- I'm applying to the engineering school.
* I'm still working on a strong closing sentence.

Making a positive impact on the economy is an aspiration I plan to achieve. Employing a more affordable eco-friendly alternative energy is how I would I like to. Ten years from now I desire a career that I'm not only successful at, but that I care for.

My physics class took a trip to the Desert Sky Wind Farm. It was stimulating and engaging to hear how this machinery operates. The thought of how much time, effort, and knowledge went into engineering the wind turbine itself was completely engaging. This trip had sparked my curiosity into a career I would be determined to follow.

While in high school I enjoyed my physics and math classes. I loved learning the concepts and formulas but most of all I loved applying them to our projects. Whether I was designing a bridge from toothpicks, building a miniature medieval trebuchet, or a parachute for the egg drop project, I always loved the challenges. Frequently I found myself pushing to try and design the most creative, affordable, and effective product.

By my second semester in physics I knew I wanted to pursue a career that applied these same concepts. As I started researching careers engineering was always finding its way back up onto my computer screen, I started looking into it and discovered UT had an exquisite engineering program. Still I wasn't sure what field of engineering I wanted to major in.

Once I told my mom I was interested in attending UT, we decided to take a tour of the campus. As we walked around I was immediately drawn in by the facilities, the comforting atmosphere, and the friendly students. I knew I wanted to be apart of this university. We walked around the engineering buildings. On a table in one of the halls I picked up some pamphlets, there I saw something that that caught my eye. It was a slip of paper that said "Women in Engineering" and under that read "CEO" and a website was listed for more information. When I got home I looked up the site and this was exactly what I needed, a camp that informed young women regarding all the opportunities engineering had to offer. I applied for Consider Every Option immediately. I was so excited when I got accepted; this was the perfect opportunity to help me to discover what field of engineering I should pursue. Before the camp I thought biomedical or chemical engineering would be interesting, but I really knew nothing about either of the two. Throughout the camp we learned about all fields and what they were all in relation to. I had so much fun, and I left with an assurance of what I wanted to major in. Mechanical engineering was what caught my eye, especially if I wanted to work with alternative energy. Consider Every Option was such an amazing opportunity. The professors we met with were encouraging, and supportive. The students were extremely considerate and each gave us their own personal insight into engineering, as well as helpful tips to get the most from our own longhorn experience.

- Most people plan to make a positive impact on the economy by working and making money, period.
- ...affordable eco friendly energy alternative is how I would like to... like to what?
- What machinery? You haven't mentioned at all, in specific, what this machinery is.
- "..exquisite engineering program.." exquisite?
- The essay, already questionable, got butchered in the last paragraph. I'm not sure what you're trying to convey in it, but it deviates markedly into something of a blind person trying to make sense of a maze.

This is redundant: An aspiration is, by definition, something you want to achieve.

Also, this is maybe too vague for an opening statement. "Making a positive impact on the economy" could mean anything from contributing to the GNP by getting a job to reforming the monetary system.

Mustafa and Simone made some legit points regarding the content of your essay.
I however, feel that what you have provided, is more of a personal statement, rather than 'personal information'. The Admissions Committee, when they read this essay, would most likely want to read personal information that helps explain something about you that they could not have learnt elsewhere from your application. Talk about yourself.

In the first couple of paragraphs all of your sentences are pretty short. You should make some long, some short, so that it reads well.

The further I read, the better the sentence structure got, so just try to get that into your first couple paragraphs too.

And for everything else, see above. :)