The most innovative and creative students - Help on Penn Essay

Hello,
I am applying to Penn and I was tasked with answering the following question:
"How will you explore your intellectual and academic interests at the University of Pennsylvania? Please answer this question given the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying. (400-650 words) "

Tell me what you think.

Thanks!

Sekou Foley

When I first visited the University of Pennsylvania in May of 2016, I was genuinely impressed by every aspect of the university. It possessed a uniqueness that I had not experienced in previous college visits. From the flexible curriculum to the world-class academics and professors, I knew that Penn was the ideal place for me to efficiently pursue my academic and professional goals.

If I am admitted into Penn, I plan to actively pursue my interests in the areas of economics and business at the renowned Wharton School of Business. As a young entrepreneur, I genuinely believe that the Wharton School will provide me with the indispensable tools to reach my full potential as an entrepreneur. I will be able to immerse myself in an educational environment that provides students with the knowledge and tools to become prominent leaders in business. The beauty of Wharton is that the material that is taught is directly relevant to real-world circumstances. By being instructed by award-winning professors such as Professor Anne Greenlaugh in Management 100: Leadership and Communication in Groups, I will have the opportunity to hone my leadership and communication skills by working with many ingenious students in 70 field projects over the course of the year. This class will enable me to develop substantial relationships with like-minded students that will prove beneficial to me when I graduate from Wharton. I also look forward to taking Professor Andrew Carton's class, Management 101, in which I will have the opportunity to refine my management skills involved in controlling and leading my company, Faith Apparel Company.

Apart from academics, the clubs that Wharton offers are commensurate with my interests. I will exemplify my passion for entrepreneurship by joining the Wharton Undergraduate Entrepreneurship Club. Through guest speakers, student presentations, and networking opportunities, I will be able to acquire essential strategies and tips to apply to my business endeavors. I also intend on joining the Black Wharton Undergraduate Association. This club serves to represent the African-American interest in business or business-related issues for undergraduates at Penn. As an African-American business owner, I will hope to become a prominent member of the club and aid in generating African-American interest for entrepreneurial pursuits. Last but not least, I intend to join the Wharton Undergraduate Real Estate Club. This club's accentuation on educating the Penn community about the real estate industry is directly related to my personal experience in the field. My mother is a real estate developer who owns VOB development. VOB Development focuses on developing affordable housing for low-income individuals. I assist her with putting in applications for Low Income Housing Tax Credits(LIHTC). There is a great satisfaction that comes with developing affordable housing for low-income people. However, many times we as a development team have NIMBY(Not In My Backyard) issues and have to educate the community that we intend to build in on the benefits of affordable housing. Most recently, I was apart of the team that rehabilitated the old historic building, the Carroll Building, in Waterbury, Connecticut and saw the shared appreciation by the state representative, Larry B. Butler, and the community for revitalizing a condemned building that was at risk for demolition. By participating in the Wharton Undergraduate Real Estate Club, I will receive essential knowledge to continue my ongoing interest in real estate.

I am fully cognizant that Wharton will provide me with a challenging experience, but the opportunities that will be made accessible to me makes it worth the challenge. I look forward to bringing my intellectual and unique outlook to the Wharton community and sharing my creative ideas with the most innovative students in the world.

Sekou, you are expected to discuss your pursuit of your academic and intellectual interests at Wharton / UPenn. You successfully did that for most of the paper. However, when you started discussing the Wharton Undergraduate Real Estate Club, you veered away from the discussion regarding your academic and intellectual interests. Seriously, since your mother is not attending the university and her business is her own, you should not even have mentioned her in the essay. Had you felt that you really wished to include some real estate reference, you should have implied that you worked for your mother and therefore, have a vested academic and intellectual interest in the area. I don't believe that you should include that discussion in the essay anymore as it does not directly relate to you and your professional interests. You already mentioned your apparel company earlier in the essay. That was more than enough and actually quite relevant to the discussion.

On a side note, you have to learn to format the paper as per acceptable academic guidelines. Leave a space between paragraphs in order to denote a change in topic. More importantly, learn to use one topic per paragraph and also, use transition sentences to ensure a smooth reading experience for the reviewer. I hope that you can accomplish these edits for the betterment of your essay. I am impressed by your essay as it is. You just need to clean it up a bit for proper presentation and consideration.

When I first visited the University of Pennsylvania in May of 2016, I was genuinely impressed by every aspect of the university. It possessed a uniqueness that I had not experienced in previous college visits. From the flexible curriculum to the world-class academics and professors, I knew that Penn was the ideal place for me to efficiently pursue my academic and professional goals.


If I am admitted into Penn, I plan to actively pursue my interests in the areas of economics and business at the renowned Wharton School. As a young entrepreneur, I genuinely believe that Wharton will provide me with the indispensable tools to reach my full potential as an entrepreneur. I will be able to immerse myself in an educational environment that provides students with the knowledge and tools to become prominent leaders in business. The beauty of Wharton is that the material that is taught is directly relevant to real-world circumstances. By being instructed by award-winning professors such as Anne Greenlaugh in Management 100: Leadership and Communication in Groups, I will have the opportunity to hone my leadership and communication skills by working with many ingenious students in 70 field projects over the course of the year. This class will enable me to develop substantial relationships with like-minded students that will prove beneficial to me when I graduate from Wharton. I also look forward to taking Professor Andrew Carton's class, Management 101, in which I will have the opportunity to refine my management skills involved in controlling my clothing company, Faith Apparel Company (faithapparelco.com). I founded this company in May of 2016 and have accumulated sales of $97,455. We are projected to annually gross in excess of $200,000 in worldwide sales. A Wharton education will enable me to grow my company into a global brand and have most of the global retailers carry our products.


Apart from academics, the clubs that Wharton offers are commensurate with my interests. I will exemplify my passion for entrepreneurship by joining the Wharton Undergraduate Entrepreneurship Club. Through guest speakers, student presentations, and networking opportunities, I will be able to acquire essential strategies to apply to my business endeavors. I also intend on joining the Black Wharton Undergraduate Association, which serves to represent the African-American interest in business for undergraduates at Penn. As an African-American business owner, I hope to become a prominent member of the club and aid in generating African-American interest for entrepreneurial pursuits. Last but not least, I intend to join the Wharton Undergraduate Real Estate Club. This club's accentuation on educating the Penn community about the real estate industry is directly related to my personal experience in the field. My mother is a real estate developer who serves as president of VOB Development, which focuses on developing affordable housing for low-income families. I work for her during my summers by writing her applications for Low Income Housing Tax Credits and conventional financing. Many times we as a development team have NIMBY(Not In My Backyard) issues and have to educate the community that we intend to build of the benefits of affordable housing. Most recently, I was a part of the team that rehabilitated the historic building, the Carroll Building, in Waterbury, Connecticut and saw the shared appreciation by the State Representative, Larry B. Butler, and the community for revitalizing a condemned building that was at risk of demolition. By participating in the Wharton Undergraduate Real Estate Club, I will receive essential knowledge to continue my ongoing interest in real estate and share my experiences in this industry with my classmates.


A Wharton education would provide me with a challenging, but rewarding experience. I look forward to bringing my intellectual and unique perspective to the Wharton community and sharing my creative ideas with the most innovative students in the world.



Made some edits. Should I simply omit the entire real estate section?

In my opinion, you should entirely omit the real estate portion because that does not directly tie in with your plans for your future business. Keep in mind that yo already indicated that you have your own business to attend to, and which you plan to concentrate on during your time at Wharton. So why divide your time and attention between your actual interest and an association that will help your mother's business? My concern, is that the essay starts to sound like you are going to Wharton in order to educate your mother (by extension) and help improve her business. That should not be the case. Just focus the essay on your actual interests. That is all the essay needs. The information abut the real estate thing just makes the statement run too long without truly being relevant to interests that will help you benefit from your time at Wharton for your own business interests.