This is the essay I am using for my application to Montclair State University, The College of New Jersey, and Boston University. Thanks for help! The essay is in response to academic interests and life experiences and how they have effected me with academics and what I would bring to a college.
The first time I walked down to the auditorium stage and acted my heart away changed my life. Being involved in the arts has incited my soul to undergo a metamorphosis. Acting not only gives me perspective in the role, but gives me an appreciation for myself. Being faced with several insecurities regarding friendships, love, and academics made it challenging for me to adapt to high school; all through my freshmen year I was afraid of who I was, afraid to take a chance, and afraid of what I was able to do both academically and physically. Always as a child I was skinnier and more fragile than other boys. I saw on television men with Adonis like bodies winning every girl they desired. Looking inwards, I pitied myself and never had high self-esteem because I tried to live up to those plastic faces. A life lesson l learned from the arts was that every person, every actor, and every role was important and special in its own way. You don't need to be a lead in every show to make a difference and presence. A common theatre quote is "there are no small roles, only small actors." To me this says, no matter what you're given, you can make it something special. I believe that with acting, I learned to get past the ugly status quo and finally let myself be who I really am.
With my introduction into the arts, my ambitions and achievements have only improved. Anyone can see from the transition of my freshmen year to my senior year, I have greatly advanced. I believe this was possible because I gradually learned what I could do, and what I had to do to be efficacious. One place I have found great success in is with the sciences, more specifically, biology. When one comes into my room, they can find biology notecards in just about any place. Just yesterday I was going through my coat pockets and what did I find? Biology flashcards of course. At school I'm devoted to biology club and all its activities. I do dissections and help with Earth Day as much as I can. Learning about organisms and how they work and interact fascinates me. If we utilize the knowledge behind how life works, we can do a great deal of help to the world all around us!
Your institution gives me access to both of my passions. This past summer when I was first introduced to the college, I knew it was the place. Constantly I would say words like "when" and "know", never "if" or "maybe". From the moment I stepped onto the campus, it was somewhere I was meant to be. Not only does it have an awesome performing arts program, but an equally amazing science department. From gazing at the labs and auditorium, I felt at home. I know if I'm accepted to such a fine institution, I'll be one step further in making something great.
The part about the arts is strong. I makes you seem like a dynamic person who is capable of becoming more confident. The only improvement I would offer there is to do more "showing." I like your first sentence but it could be stronger, like "The lights shown in eyes and I could not see the crowd. I was uncomfotably hot and my knees were shaking but I knew I was supposed to be on stage." Something like that.
When you switch to biology, it kind of blind-sided me. Its almost two different essays. It is definitely weaker. I would try to link it to theater somehow to make it feel more unified.
And if you are using this for your common app essay, DON'T HAVE THE LAST PARAGRAPH!! These schools know that each of the schools you applied to is getting the same exact essay and so know that the last part is complete sucking up that doesn't really mean anything. If this is for the common app, I would cut the last paragraph and focus on beefing up the others, especially the biology one.
Sorry to be harsh!