My sisters: the native inhabitants of my home who also have corn kernel sized teeth and an attachment to the white house on the corner of Esquel Cove; who also say a prayer each night and present a polish flag for Heritage projects every other year. I grew up with them, grew comfortable with them , and naturally gravitated towards like minded people throughout my childhood, but it wasn't until the summer after my Sophomore year that I realized that my social experience was limited in this way.
When I was privileged to represent Texas at The United Nations Pilgrimage for Youth, I found myself surrounded by the most unique and diverse personalities I had ever encountered. Our similar ages and lack of familiarity created perfect conditions for us to wholly explore our differences, and amidst our conversations, I discovered that, unlike the others, I never lost interest- never classified even the smallest distinctions as mundane or insignificant. Not only did this experience reveal, within me, resilient curiosity, but also courage. Being that I am inherently shy, this trip was a watershed in my life. My hesitation faded to inspiration, and I developed confidence in something greater than my principles and study skills: my potential to apply them. There is comfort in knowing that people are everywhere, that I am constantly surrounded by an inexhaustible source of excitement and energy, and that because I have unearthed this incredible infrastructure of success, I will see far beyond my simple family circle.
Hi Hannah. It was nice to read your essay. You came in exactly at the word count. It seems like you responded well to the prompt. However, I am on the fence about that because you forgot to include the actual prompt with your essay posting. Please post the prompt for the essay. It would really help all of us here to better review your essay and offer pertinent advice for its improvement.
That said, I can see that there are many areas of this essay where you can still improve your writing by offering more information. I can be more definite about it once I know what the full prompt requirements are. As of now though, I think that the portion we will be working on editing is the introduction. It just doesn't have a very effective hook.
An effective hook often opens with a story or motivational quote that directly applies to you. By opening the essay with a statement about your sisters, you loose the ability to create that memorable impact for yourself. That is why I think that you should try to open that part with something about yourself instead. It can still be in relation to your sisters, but the focus has to be on you and/or your relationship with them. The rest of the essay seems appropriate right now. I'll refrain from commenting on it until I am sure that it really applies to the expected response to the prompt :-)
Thank you for your feedback..
The prompt is: describe an experience or idea that has contributed to your intellectual vitality
Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. Knowing what the prompt is now, I was able to analyze the essay you wrote so that I could establish which parts we need to concentrate on, reduce, or delete in its totality. I believe that improving the essay will not take too much work. All our concentration should be focused on the beginning of your essay.
When you discuss your sisters, don't just describe them and what activities you had with them while growing up. It doesn't really show too much intellectual vitality on your part. Why not try to think of a time when you and your sisters challenged each other intellectually for some reason? If you can present that challenge and how influenced you were to present a good result that could beat your sisters presentations, then you will have shown the intellectual vitality your little group had. That will create the platform for your next paragraph.
It is important that you show some sort of intellectual challenge among siblings so that your presentation about the intellectual challenges you faced at the convention will become a highlight. Compare those 2 experiences (the convention vs. competing with your sisters) in order to show how those 2 groups influenced your way of thinking and challenged you to think beyond the obvious. If we can successfully accomplish that, then the essay response you wrote will be strengthened tremendously :-)
- Not only did this experience reveal, within me, resilient curiosity within me but also courage.
- Being that I am inherently shy,
- ...and studylearning skills: myand yes I do have the potential to apply them.
Intellectual vitality essay, sounds very strong and the purpose of the essay is very significant. It entails a profound proof of your intellect, academic background and achievements and while it was a fun and entertaining essay, your writing piece also depicts your intellectual capacity however, I know that you cam write more and better piece of essay. The strength of your essay lies on the fact that you are able to write an intriguing yet entertaining piece with the collaboration of life experiences.
Now, I made some corrections as you can see above, I hope they help, the issue that I see in your writing is the lack of linking words that enhances an essay or perhaps this may not be needed but just for future reference, be sure to add adjectives and play more with words.
