The intention is a vital factor - Princeton Supplement

Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.

As I entered the parking lot that would be held for the Muslim Student Association (MSA) Homeless Feeding, I had a smile on my face and my task of the day was to coordinate the homeless to the tables where they would receive their hot meal from MSA students. I gave myself a goal today, and it was to show leadership in front of the homeless and MSA students. I tried to achieve this by offering aid to anyone who needs it since the purpose of a leader is to serve those he/she is leading.

Through this event, I noticed something peculiar. Many MSA students were timid to the homeless and the only reply they ever gave was "Happy Holidays!", yet they were comfortable talking amongst themselves. Even the MSA presidents of their local schools exhibited the same behavior. Even I failed to develop interaction with the homeless as I offered aid by answering simple questions followed by an awkward moment of silence. But one man came out and shattered the quiet atmosphere. He was the coordinator of humanitarian aid and when he spoke out loud, he didn't need a microphone to capture people's attentions. He effectively showed himself as a leader as he connected with the homeless and received their full cooperation. He did all this with few simple words that he spoke. He didn't employ any rhetorical device nor did he have charismatic appeal.[..]

Tell me what you think about the essay. Is there anything I need to cut out? Anything I did wrong?

I tried to achieve this by offering aid to anyone who needed it, since the purpose of a leader is to serve those he/she is leading.

During this event, I noticed something peculiar.

Many MSA students were too timid to speak the homeless and the only reply they ever gave was "Happy Holidays!", yet they were comfortable talking amongst themselves.

Even The MSA presidents of their local schools exhibited the same behavior.

He was the coordinator of humanitarian aid and when he spoke out loud, he didn't need a microphone to capture people's attention .

From my thoughts, I questioned myself on how the coordinator could easily achieve what I couldn't today: an effective display of leadership.

I only changed a few things-otherwise, it's pretty great.

:)

Maybe cut out the showing leadership in front of the homeless part,
since you are actually leading the MSA students.
Otherwise it's great.

Frankly, I really like the overall theme , structure of the essay, and how your prose about the necessity of having intention in order to be an effective leader. However, I felt like you allowed the man's character to overshadow yours; you appear timid, and lacking because you take on this passive role. I think you should just spend the first two paragraphs describing this man's character in the same way that you have done, and then talk about what you learned, and how you've applied that to a new situation (or situations) thereafter. The key word is 'progression'. I think they're looking to see not only what you've learned, but how that has affected you. You could even tie in your future aspirations, and how they're been strengthened.

Lastly, check your tense (especially in the first few paragraphs). But, other than that I enjoyed reading your essay.

Good luck!

As I entered the parking lot that would be held for the Muslim Student Association

I gave myself a goal today: , and it was to show leadership in front of the MSA students

He did all this with few simple words that he spoke

I ended my speech with strong applause.
Like you started claping for yourself? lol I think you might of meant "My speech ended with a strong applause."

Well you asked if you could concise your sentences a bit more. The first three tips are just personal preferences if you ask me. so its your choice.

@calvinwang
I was also wondering what you thought about it?

It will be stronger if you can include what he said--those simple words.

Tried to show more and eliminate telling.

It is still a very strong essay.

oh hah, overall, I thought it was really nicely written, Shows you started with a thought that evolved into something more complete, that you truly gained from this experience. You've shown you are someone that learns from your experience and thats the kind of people colleges want. (i think lol)

oh and i think theres a small error with the last sentence.


Mayb you meant, From the lesson I learned, I will always hold intention...

I like the overall theme and idea of your essay. But I was just thinking, maybe you could go into more detail about this person that changed you? The essay question is to talk about the person, so maybe you should talk about him/her more. Just my two cents :) otherwise I think that the essay is great, along with the suggestions that other people have given you. Thanks for reading mine btw. appreciate it