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"Interest in Agriculture and Life Sciences" - Cornell CAL supplement essay



rhaynesherway 2 / 3  
Nov 16, 2010   #1
This essay still has a long way to go. I wrote this for the Cornell CAL essay. Its supposed to be a max of 500 words but its 590 right now. Despite its length, I still feel like its underdeveloped. The first half is about how I became interested in Earth Science at a young age and the second half shows how I want to use knowledge from the Earth Sciences to help the planet. In the last paragraph I wanted to relate back to both ideas, but I noticed that I was over the word limit and felt...well, hopeless.

So, I feel that I have three (3) options to fix this essay:
1. Elaborate on the first idea and scrap the second
2. Elaborate on the second idea and scrap the first
3. Cut down on both ideas (and most likely lose depth) and write a better conclusion that ties them both together

I'm hoping people can read it and tell me what they think the best angle to present myself would be. Which option should I chose? And any other comments would be appreciated as well. Thanks!

College of Agriculture and Life Sciences:
How have your interests and related experiences influenced your selection of major?

When I was still on training wheels, my parents took me on a bike ride around Canadice Lake. As we stopped for lunch on the pebbly shore, I searched for flat stones to skip on the water. I was about to throw one when I noticed a tiny shell embedded into the stone. My mom told me it was actually a fossil, and what looked like a shell was really part of the rock. I wondered how a rock could possibly be shaped exactly like a scallop shell-ridges and all.

Then, while visiting the Oregon coast, I found another unusual rock. This one had three deep, parallel grooves in it, as if a child-sized hand with three long fingers had made an impression in the stone. Naturally, I assumed I had found another fossil. When I told my dad that I had discovered proof of alien life, he chuckled and corrected me, saying that the finger-like grooves had probably been formed by water erosion. I was amazed. Rocks were no longer just rocks; there were many factors giving them unique characteristics. From that day on, as I traveled the world I found interesting rocks everywhere, from mica in Italy to geodes on the sea cliffs of Portugal. Now, wherever I go, I usually come home with a curious rock in my pocket.

As I traveled to more places and my collection grew, I wanted to know why these rocks have different properties. I also started to wonder about other things I saw. In Switzerland I had so much fun hiking in the Alps that I wondered why there aren't any where I live. And why are the Finger Lakes so long and skinny? I didn't find out the answers until I took Earth Science in ninth grade, where I learned about rock identification, glaciers, earthquakes, and weather. But what I learned only scratched the surface-I still want to know more.

From West Coast to East Coast and across the Atlantic, I noticed that many of the places I visited were endangered environments. On Cannon Beach in Oregon the changing habitat has harmed puffin populations and other fragile marine life. On our visits, my family usually walks to the volcanic monolith Haystack Rock during low tide. We peer into pools of flowering anemones and listen to the sound of barnacles, which click inside their shells as if they're knitting to pass the time until the tide returns.

On one of these walks we saw a small gray bird standing motionless on the beach, feathered breast facing the ocean. It was a murre-a marine bird that spends most of its life at sea. It seemed to stare longingly at the ocean through the legs of the low-tide walkers, who tossed the bird a pitying glance and continued on their way, as if it was a beggar on a city street. They did not know what to do. Neither did we, but we couldn't abandon it when it was obviously ill. We wrapped the murre in a sweatshirt and carried it to my grandparents' house, where we contacted the bird rescue. We never found out what caused the murre's illness.

I've been to these protected places, yet never knew how to help. It bothers me when my lack of expertise prevents me from helping endangered habitats and animals, like those other low-tide walkers. In the Earth Sciences I will learn about the natural processes of the planet, and use that knowledge to investigate, diagnose, and solve the problems of our environment.

blanca_g - / 1  
Nov 16, 2010   #2
It's a REALLY good essay. But, i notice a lot of grammar mistakes. Do not use conjunctions for this essay since it's formal. I think you should do option 3 and just cut off some unnecessary information.

But other than that great job!

With all regards,
Blanca
Paullee 3 / 7  
Nov 17, 2010   #3
It is indeed a strong essay.
Though, I think you should talk more about Cornell
and some reasons why you want to go there.

Wish you good luck
PL
Benn_Myers 8 / 45  
Nov 25, 2010   #4
Well, as far as "fixing" this essay goes I would say that scrapping the second isn't really an option. Its not written as well as your first point, but I feel its something you want to get across to colleges more since it has more of an air of... nobility about it. Likewise, I love your first couple paragraphs and I wouldn't scrap them, even though they don't serve your essay as well. So, ideally you should keep both ideas, and I think you could do this by trimming them both down, writing a good conclusion, and transitioning into them more fluidly in your essay. (Right now the jump feels like you combined two similar, but different short answers)

Here's what I would cut:
"As I traveled to more places and my collection grew, I wanted to know why these rocks have different properties. I also started to wonder about other things I saw. In Switzerland I had so much fun hiking in the Alps that I wondered why there aren't any where I live. And why are the Finger Lakes so long and skinny? I didn't find out the answers until I took Earth Science in ninth grade, where I learned about rock identification, glaciers, earthquakes, and weather. But what I learned only scratched the surface-I still want to know more."

This is a nice paragraph in an essay without a length limit, but its too much here. You don't need to spend this much time explaining your growing curiosity since you've already done such a wonderful job of it with your two preceding (and very charming) examples. I'm leaving what to cut here to personal discretion, as it'll be a lot better for you to rewrite this paragraph then me, but this could definitely be reduced to a sentence or two.

Now as far as additional cutting, as that won't get you anywhere near as short as you want to go, I would cut some supplementary details. They're very nice details, and strong imagery, but unnecessary to the point you're making. Sentences like, "We peer into pools of flowering anemones and listen to the sound of barnacles, which click inside their shells as if they're knitting to pass the time until the tide returns," are vaguely poetic, but do nothing for the point of your essay.

Finally, lets talk about your conclusion. After reading your work on here (which, granted, is a limited pool) I have to say conclusions are your weakness. You know how to write, better then I do in fact, but you don't seem to really build you argument or points in your essays, (a la Grandmother Willow). In this essay you have all the building blocks and evidence for a strong conclusion, but you need to do it justice. The passion and voice you have in the rest of the essay just sort of fades, build this bad boy up, be a little dramatic, say what you mean, leave them with something they'll remember.

All in all its a good essay though, and if you go slightly over the word limit I wouldn't worry, I'm sure they'll give you a little lee-way.

Post the rewrite on here (if you do one) and I'll read it again, and hopefully offer more precise feedback.


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