There is widespread debate in China today as to whether we should authentically open financial market to face the competition of western companies. The vital reason opponents considered is that we do not know what modern finance is, and we need to connect western economy system. That's why I chose finance as my major as soon as I went to university. There can be no doubt that if your major is in ...
hi,guys, please help me enhance this composition.
Thanks a lot!
This is a good essay. I really like how you worked the story of your father into it, connected it to yourself, and made it personal. Here are some suggestions/corrections. Nothing major, just some grammar points, and things I thought sounded a little awkward. :)
"There is widespread debate in China today as to whether we should authentically open the financial market to face the competition of western companies."
"...we need to connect the western economy system."
"...you have more chances to earn..."
"However, that was not the most important reason why I chose this major."
"This story is about my grandfather, who was born in an impoverished county."
"When he was 13 years old, my great grandparents were dead" This sounds a little awkward. Did they actually die when he was 13, or were they deceased beforehand?
"Since at that moment, my grandpa knew how to take care himself and made money to support his life and education." This could use reworking. Maybe something like, "From then on, my grandpa knew how to take care of himself, and proceeded to make money in support of his education.
"Nevertheless the family was too poor to afford the tuition of college.H e just finished his his high school..."
"...valuable the knowledge is, that's why he supported..." Maybe change to, "...valuable the knowledge is, which is why he supported..."
"Moreover, I am very interested in business; I want to cope with practical problems which come from my grandpa's company by using professional knowledge." Sentence is a little unclear, possibly reword it?
Anyway, that's just my input. I like your essay and your English is quite good. Best of Luck!
Thank you for your comments.
Very impressive!!
The vital reason some people oppose this idea is that we supposedly do not know what modern finance is, and we need to connect with western economy system.---- I don't know if I fixed this sentence properly. Is this what you intended to say?
That's why I chose finance as my major as soon as I went to university. --- end paragraph 1 here and move on to paragraph 2:
There can be no doubt that if your major is in business, you...
...that's why he supported and encouraged me to go abroad to obtain the most advanced education. --- right here, end paragraph 2 and begin paragraph 3:
Moreover I am very interested... add a little more to this last paragraph, and conclude with some thoughtful, enthusiastic words.
:-)
Thank you so much.
could you please tell again how can I move <That's why I chose finance as my major as soon as I went to university> ? what do you mean by?
Well, my suggestion is not necessarily the best thing to do, but it is good to use paragraphs. I was suggesting that you put the cursor after ...university. And hit enter to start a new paragraph. Then, do the same after...most advanced education.
like this:
There is widespread debate in China today as to whether we should authentically open financial market to face the competition of western companies. The vital reason opponents considered is that we do not know what modern finance is, and we need to connect western economy system. That's why I chose finance as my major as soon as I went to university.
There can be no doubt that if your major is in business, you have more chance to earn nice salaries and decent jobs. However, that is not the most important factor why I choose this major. First of all, I would like to tell you a story. This story is about my grandfather, which was born in an impoverished county. When he was 13 years old, my great grandparents were dead. Since at that moment, my grandpa knew how to take care himself and made money to support his life and education. Nevertheless the family was too poor to afford the tuition of college, he just finished his high school and had to go to work. By now, grandpa has engaged in business for more than half a century, his company became one of the largest groups in Gansu Province and he was elected a deputy to the National People's Congress. My grandfather deeply understands how important and valuable the knowledge is, that's why he supported and encouraged me to go abroad to obtain the most advanced education.
Moreover I am very interested in business; I want to cope with practical problems which come from my grandpa's company by using professional knowledge. Considering my academic interests and long term professional goal, I believe UIUC is my best choice to realize my dream.
And maybe you should add one more sentence to the first paragraph and add one more sentence to the last paragraph.
:-)
