Explain why you want to attend the United States Military Academy and serve on active duty as an Army officer. This is my first time posting here, so I apologize in advance.
Version #1:
With the modern era of technology comes a new form of warfare in cyberspace even more dangerous than conventional warfare. The Mongolian Armed Forces have recently established a dedicated Cyber Corps to fight the 4 billion cyber attacks annually. Since the emergence of ARPANET in 1969 and the modern internet in 1989, the U.S. has been at the forefront of innovation in the field of cybersecurity. I want to attend the United States Military Academy to learn from the cradle where this field was born, and bring that wealth of knowledge back to the Mongolian Armed Forces.
One month after my sophomore year of university began, I was drafted for mandatory military service. The previous year we all faced the COVID pandemic, which caused significant strain on our education and mental health. I prepared my documents, and a memorandum from my university, and went into the drafting center, expecting to be exempted. But to my surprise, that wasn't the case. I was stationed in the Order Of Military Merit Recipient 110th Combat Engineering Unit to be trained in Sapper/Demolitions. I discovered my brothers in arms who I would follow to the edge of the world if need be. Everything we experienced, our joy, sadness, triumphs, failure, pain, and glory, we experienced together, united by one common goal: to become soldiers of Mongolia and serve the nation. Being a soldier doesn't mean wearing a uniform and holding a rifle. It means to devote yourself to your people and nation, to sacrifice yourself so that the next generation may live on to honor those who came before them. After my service, being further inspired by my commanding officers, I fully committed to becoming an officer so I could continue to serve my country. While researching ways to be commissioned, I stumbled upon the United States Military Academy. Everything about the Academy spoke to me. From the rich history and traditions, the world-class education and character development programs, as well as the faculty and the Corps Of Cadets, I knew that I had to seize this opportunity and become a part of the Long Gray Line. I want to attend the United States Military Academy because it is where the best officers are made. I wish to learn everything I can to be a well-educated Cyber Security Officer so I can help defend my nation in this new cyber battlefront. During my time at the academy, I want to attend as many schools as possible, such as Airborne and Air Assault so I can become a well-rounded officer and bring back the knowledge I learned back to my home nation. I sincerely believe that my experiences as a prior active duty soldier can help me not only endure but thrive in the rigorous curriculum and I hope to make lifelong connections with my fellow cadets and faculty, during my time at the academy.
One version at a time.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,844 
4783 The essay response does not indicate if you will go back to your home country and serve as an Army officer as required by West Point. You should indicate if you will serve in the Army of your country. Be specific about your Mongolian Army description. Indicate if you have been discharged from active duty at the moment or if you are still serving and will be sponsored by the Mongolian Army for studies at West Point.
You have to show more familiarity with West Point. Perhaps indicate a history of notable Mongolian soldiers who were trained at the institute before you? That will allow you to discuss your familiarity with the insitution far better than the general way you are discussing it now. Honestly, your reason to attend West Point and your academic inclination to attend are not very convincing right now.
