'International Summer Village / UNICEF events' - UC prompt#1

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

"What will you do with your savings money, Alwin?" asked my father just after I graduated from my high school. I, who had decided to continue my education in business, innocently answered, "Oh, I will keep it in my savings account in the bank and gain some interest each year!" My father laughed at my answer and did not continue the conversation.

During the first to second year in my high school, I had undecided major for my university. My interest in business started when my father explained to me that business is an inevitably element in our daily life and economics. My father told me his experience that he took engineering major in his university, but, eventually, he successfully worked as CEO in the company. As I grew older and continued my education in to college, I realized the reason why my father laughed. It was a naive answer for a business major student. My savings money could be used for investment. During my summer holiday this year, I came back to my home country and my father, who has always been a great mentor for me, taught me how to exploit my savings money to gain money with stock exchange. I started to invest my money in stock with my father's assistance. As I begin to ponder more about stock, my father explained that stock trading was risky yet rewarding if I knew how to stake my money with precision. Subsequently, I was eagerly curious about business and absolutely wanted to explore more about business.

Moreover, my father also taught me that to start a business, connection takes a fundamental role. He told me a story of his journey of becoming successful. In the journey, his old friends, such as high school friends, helped him a lot in developing his business. As Alfred A. Montapert quote saying: "All lasting business is built on friendship." Because I like to socialize with other people, I am fortunate enough that I can broaden my acquaintances with other people by being club representative. As a recent De Anza UNICEF Inter Club Council representative, I am responsible to attend regular meetings every Wednesday to connect my club and De Anza Student Body. In the meetings, I meet and interact with many people from other clubs representatives.

From UNICEF, Not only do I get some new acquaintances, but I also train my confidence in public speaking, because sometimes I have to make an announcement from my club in front of everyone in the meetings. Besides, in UNICEF events, such as Trick or Treat Halloween events, which raised funds for unfortunate kids, who could not enjoy Halloween just as others, I learn how to be socially responsible person and to build my conscience to others; Hence, I will definitely bring this habit to be a socially responsible businessman.

From my experiences above, I believe that I should put more efforts to my interest. Ultimately, I am certain to take the next step to pursue my interest in business in a reputable institution.

What do you guys think? Is it convincing enough?
There should be several grammatical mistakes, can you guys help me find and fix it?
Thanks (: I appreciate any comments.

There are some grammatical mistakes like in the first sentence you should add the word ''an'' infront of ''undecided major''. It will sound more grammatically correct. you kind of get off topic, but overall it is well written . You just need to fix the small errors and to pay more attention to the small details.

Good Luck!

thanks for your comments.. but why are you suspended? haha :)
well, I've just completed my 2nd prompt :

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

In my high school, as I started to develop myself, I joined Children's International Summer Village and attended their leadership training. I found out that leadership was all about influencing and aiding others to accomplish goals. Public speaking, motivating, and bolstering spirit were the skills I learned in the seminar.

Consequently, I implemented the skills and ran for class leader election in my 12th grade. After giving short speech about vision and mission, the entire class voted; when the result was out, the class advisor announced that the class had given me the chance to enhance my leadership skills, by becoming class leader for one year period. The standards were set high during my period; my class advisor expected all the students in my class to graduate and to have university or college that they desire.

During the first quarter, my class' average grades were lower than that of the other classes. My class advisor called me and asked why that happened. I answered that the spirits of the students were low. He scolded me and requested my responsibility as a leader. Frankly speaking, my grades were also not high, because I was active in extracurricular activities, especially basketball. However, I always perceive failures as occasions to learn and to avoid the same mistake. As I develop myself continuously, I realize that to motivate other people, I must first learn how to change and to be better individual myself with struggling to raise my own grades; hence others, who saw me as a figure to be looked at, would be encouraged. Moreover, I talked to students who had low grades and started study group with them. I saw that those students had the potential to be successful in school, yet they were lazy to study for the tests. The study group was beneficial both for me and my friends, not only did I study for the exams, but I also became their best friends. The class' average inclined time to time as well as our brotherhood inside the class. My friends said that they became zealous in the class when listening to the lecture. At the end of the year, my class had the highest average among the other classes for final examination average. The goals were accomplished, everyone were graduated and admitted to universities. For me, as a result of my efforts to increase my own grades, I was awarded magna cum laude for achievement in my final examination grades.

From the experience of becoming leader, I believe that maximizing potential is fundamental to reach the goals. With that being said, I believe that reliable universities are the stepping stone to exploit and augment my potential. As Dave Matthews said, "Take what you can from your dreams, make them as real as anything." My ambitions are still beyond my reach, but I will obtain what I can possibly acquire with my potentials.

Prompt 2

After giving a short speech about vision and mission, the entire class voted; when the resultswas were (sounds more better) out, the class advisor announced that the class had given me the chance to enhance my leadership skills, by becoming class leader for a one year period. The standards were set high during my period; my class advisoradviser expected all the students in my class to graduate and to have a university or college that they desire.

Good Luck!

hieuh600
thx for the opinion, however, I don't think I need to use too many a's in the essay, and your grammar (sounds more better) needs to be fixed. haha :P