In a concise narrative, describe your notion of 'the good life'. How will your undergraduate experience at the University of Florida prepare you to live 'the good life'?
Please comment on my revised piece and tell me what you think. Thank you.
All interpretations of "the good life" pivot on the definition of "good." In reflecting upon my values, I take "good" to signify something that is morally correct in God's eyes. Consequently, living the good life is based upon His agenda, not mine. It means constantly being in God's will and letting Him mold me into the man He wants me to become. With that in mind, I am confident that God can use the University of Florida to grow me intellectually, and most importantly, spiritually.
Since I have always felt called to enter the business world, one day I would like to become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. For the past four years, I have generated my main stream of income from selling items on eBay. Although successful in this effort, I am always eager to improve. God wants me to strive to improve in all aspects of my life so I can achieve the good life. In part, this means that I must learn to increase productivity, lower costs, and increase profit. At the same time, I must always conduct business with character and integrity and avoid cutting corners to get ahead. The Warrington College of Business Administration will supply me with the tools I need to grow intellectually. By becoming more competent in all aspects of business management, I will also become a more viable candidate when it comes time for me to enter the workforce.
Along with developing the intellectual traits needed to be successful, living the good life also means developing my walk with God and letting Him guide me every step of the way. At the University of Florida, I look forward to joining religious organizations like the Campus Crusade for Christ. There I will also find a church that will become my family for the next four years. While college is a highly stressful place at times and temptations are everywhere, my college years can be a period of exceptional spiritual growth, provided that I focus on what I really want my life to become. Rather than telling myself that "I'll get right with God later," I want to be on fire for God and let Him live through me. Doing exactly what God wants for me is how I will experience the good life. I am ready to grow in my relationship with God through fellowship and worshiping with other Christian students.
College is a time to live my own version of the "good life." My "good life" consists of clinging to God's truth in all areas of my life. I am eager to grow in my understanding of business and my love for the Lord. My experience at the University of Florida will set me apart from the crowd in such a way that others will question their own definition of the "good life."
I'd say that it's good to include the spiritual side of your life into essays to show that you have faith in Him. I like how you've written about how you're going to execute God's word in life. I also can see that you're done a lot of research on the uni about their activities!
upon on my values, I ... --- This is just my own preference. I try to shorten words and sentences. The 'up' is not needed, so it's excess weight dragging down the essay.
...take "good" to signify something that is morally correct in God's eyes. ---- Okay, so this is not the same as the 'good life' as people commonly think of it. Even a life full of suffering is good in a Christian sense, if it's virtuous. I like your idea.
Consequently, living the good life is based upon His agenda, not mine. ---- Here is 'upon' again... too dramatic, I think. Just 'on' is enough. Also, this sentence should probably have an action verb: Consequently, people can live 'the good life' based on ...
...God can use the University of Florida to grow me intellectually, and most importantly, spiritually.-- Right here, I think you should add a sentence to tell what attributes of this school make it a better environment than others for God to influence your process. What is unique about the school?
At the University of Florida, I look forward to joining religious organizations like the Campus Crusade for Christ.--- Great example. This shows the reader that it really makes a difference whether you can go to this school you are choosing.
I think you didn't say enough about why you choose business and what you hope to do. Saying you want to be a CEO sounds silly. That's not a real goal. It doesn't matter what position you hold. I think the idea is to influence the company in the direction of social and environmental responsibility. Google this: Rethinking the Social Responsibility of Business - A Reason debate
I think you'll enjoy it. This essay needs some more discussion of how you can live the good life doing business in a way that is compatible with Christianity. And that is interesting, because business is about acquiring wealth and it's hard to get a camel through the eye of a needle. ; )
I admire the fact that you have incorporated God into your essay and your notion of the good life. However, at points in the essay like at the end of paragraph 3 it doesn't show anything about the good life or the University of Florida's contribution. Additionally, you make it sound like God is living your life for you perhaps state it in a different way.
You are very good in emphasizing your beliefs and how they affect you future. You are also very strong in integrating you religious beliefs into you future college life. But it might be a good idea to change the phrase " I want to be on fire for God". It sounds like too much.
I like the way you portrayed your love for God.But, just try to emphasize more on the conclusion. Rest,its good enough.