'being a jerk for no apparent reason' I am highly competitive; NCSSM What make you Unique?

Hey guys, I am applying to a prestigious high school called the North Carolina School of Science and Math. I would appreciate your input on this, but I am short on time, since it is due on January 9th, 2014.

Describe your personality and what makes you unique?

While it would be fairly easy for me to jot down some of my character traits, that wouldn't really define who I am. Furthermore, being only fifteen means that I haven't truly discovered myself yet. A person needs to acquire a vast amount of experiences to develop a recognition of character. At this point in my life, I learn new things about myself daily. My sense of uniqueness is constantly being challenged as I face new obstacles.

One important essence of my character is that I am highly competitive. However, while my competitiveness with other people is ubiquitous, I think that I am the most competitive with myself. I am always trying to improve on myself, trying to be better than I was before. This is a big factor in what makes me who I am.

As a teenager, there are many things that I do not know about myself. It is easy for me to say that my friends, and especially my family, know me better than I know myself. I try to recognize what I do, and there are times when I catch myself being a jerk for no apparent reason. When that happens, I usually try to apologize or make up for it somehow. I don't want to be the guy that nobody likes, and that is another big part of my character. While it is increasingly popular for people to say that they don't care what other people think about them, I believe that it should be quite the opposite. There are very few people that hate me, and I get very upset if I find out that someone does. I love being in harmony with people, and I try to hold my peace when I'm with someone that I don't like.

While I have made a few elaborations on my character, these do not illuminate my being. There is much more to my personality than I could ever put down on a piece of paper, and this is a good thing. If I could, I would not be as unique as this keyboard that I'm typing on.

I think you need to work more on your grammar, like this sentence "There are very few people thatwho hate me." Besides, I don't find your essay unique. I think everybody who applies for NCSSM is competitive. And you need to build stronger reasoning to show how this uniqueness make you stand out. You can talk about competitiveness, but you need to be careful. For instance, you should describe one time your competitiveness help you overcome a mistake and make you better than yourself from yesterday. Since it is NCSSM, I think you might want to focus on the academic aspect rather than just general personalities. Sorry if I am a little harsh. I hope this helps.

Thanks for the feedback, I think I might take out the entire third paragraph. It just seems pointless to me now.

Thanks again for the advice, this is my revised essay.

While it would be fairly easy for me to jot down some of my character traits, that wouldn't really define who I am. Furthermore, being only fifteen means that I haven't truly discovered myself yet. A person needs to acquire a vast amount of experiences to develop a strong recognition of character. At this point in my life, I learn new things about myself daily, and my sense of uniqueness is constantly being challenged as I face new obstacles.

One important essence of my character is that I am highly competitive. This is the biggest reason that I am successful in school. However, while my competitiveness with other people is ubiquitous, I think that I am the most competitive with myself. I am always trying to improve on myself, trying to be better than I was before. This is a big factor in what makes me who I am. My competitiveness has brought me to a level of academics that I would have never been able to achieve a few years back.

As a teenager, there are many things that I do not know about myself. It is easy for me to say that my friends, and especially my family, know me better than I know myself. There is much more to my personality than I could ever put down on a piece of paper, and this is a good thing. If I could, I wouldn't be as unique as this keyboard that I'm typing on.

better write an introductory paragraph about yourself in which write a strong persuasive thesis statement about your three most strong qualities. then write three paragraphs about explaining each of your quality with strong arguments and examples. then write a paragraph concluding your essay which will prove that you are worthy of getting admission in the college. try not to write about what you don't know about yourself but concentrate on your strong points you know better.

Hey guys thanks a lot for the advice! I just wanted to let you know that I did end up getting in! Yay! Thanks again