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JHU supplement.. needs some fine tuning



sneha17 2 / 2  
Dec 15, 2009   #1
hey! i need some help with this essay.. esp the last paragraph
any suggestions?

Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this supplement, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

I look around my room and immediately spot souvenirs from four different countries: a blue bag from Bali, a colorful scarf from Italy, wooden bangles from India and a picture frame from Singapore. My ardor to experience other cultures had led me across the globe; however, the most valuable item I brought back cannot be stashed in a suitcase and sent through a baggage check. Through my travels I have attained an intangible wisdom distinct to every culture and lessons unique to each community on the globe.

At Johns Hopkins University, I will pursue a major in International Studies because I crave an education that satisfies these understandings. The International Studies program transcends boundaries to explore a global education; crossing paths into political science, history, economics, and foreign language. I especially like that the program places an integral importance on foreign language. Two summers ago, I volunteered at SOS Children's Village, a "family facility" for homeless children. I was asked to teach a class in Spoken English to a group of girls who were familiar with the English language, but shy to communicate their skills verbally. Because of my fluency in Malayalam (a dialect of South India), my students trusted me, knowing that if they struggled with English, I would offer encouragement in their native tongue. Knowing a second language bonded me to these girls; it accurately emphasized our similarities rather than our differences.

The International Studies Program recognizes language as a driving force that connects nations, communities, and people. As a student in the program I hope to learn and practice another language with the same ardor I learned Malayalam as a child. Travelling the world and picking up another dialect has been an inspiring seventeen-year journey, finally leading me to choose a major at JHU. I view International Studies as the beginning to a rich and worldly education.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Dec 16, 2009   #2
I will pursue a major in International Studies because I crave an education that satisfies these understandings.

It sounds like you want to pursue international studies because you enjoyed traveling. I wonder if there is some underdeveloped insight hiding in this essay; is there a specia revelation you had after gaining a multicultural perspective? Reveal it at the start of the essay, so that the whole essay will be more powerful and memorable.

You focus your last para on language, so I think the first para should also discuss language -- perhaps as this special insight that you found in your travels.


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