JHU Supplementary Essay - Sick Sister - Need HELP fast!

Hi, I need a grammar check on my supp. essay and help with the transition and content focus. I am also not sure if I answered the prompt appropriately cause this is just a 2nd draft. Gonna send it after one last check. So please help XP. Thanks!

JHU Supplementary Essay

Ever since I was little, I have always been fascinated by the wonders of the human body and the nature of the pretty changing colors when two reactive solutions are mixed together. Not only did I have the passion for natural sciences, but I have excelled in them as well.

Because of this, I have decided to choose a path in pursuit of my two most ardent passions: Biology and Chemistry, specifically at Johns Hopkins University.

A determining factor that has influenced my decision to study Biology and Chemistry is when I first heard of my sister contracting inherited leukoderma, which causes white patches on the skin. Instinctively, I went online and looked up the disease on Wikipedia. However, there was no detailed description of the disease on the web. After further research, I have found out that although there are theories, we do not know the definite causes of the disease. The treatments today can merely alleviate the symptoms, but there is no known cure that gets to the root of the disease. Due to leukoderma, my sister cannot be in direct contact with sunlight, restricting many regular activities we may take for granted, such as going to the beach or strolling around the park. Although she has this condition, she does not shy away from it, facing it with incredible strength and resilience, trying to live a normal but plentiful life. My sister's condition and her vitality have inspired me to pursue the field of genetics and biochemistry in my future years.

Through my research, I have discovered that the Krieger School of Arts and Science offers not only a large selection of biological courses but genetics courses as well. I believe this can help deepen my understanding of hereditary conditions and genetic treatments, two topics that intrigues me deeply. By utilizing my fundamental concepts of biochemical processes and gene regulation, I wish to pursue the greater field of biochemistry and medicine. As a freshman, I will be able to attend seminars like "From Genes to DNA and Back" and other courses that will help me nurture my potential in this aspect.

Inspired by her spirit and hoping to contribute in the area of genetics and diseases, I have no doubt in pursuing Biology and Chemistry at Johns Hopkins University.

Thank you for helping others here on the forum!

EverSince I was young , I have always been fascinated ...

A determining factor that has influenced my decision to study Biology and Chemistry,was when I first...

After further research, I have found out that although there are theories,..

I believe these courses can help deepen my understanding of hereditary conditions and genetic treatments, two topics that intrigues me deeply.

Inspired by my sisters spirit and hoping to contribute in the area of genetics and diseases, I have no doubt that pursuing Biology and Chemistry at Johns Hopkins University ...this sentence needs an ending.

[Moved from]: Prestigious University/ Advanced Research; Carnegie Mellon - Why CMU and Major?

It iswas a natural decision to pursue a path in biomedicine and biochemistry, and specifically at Carnegie Mellon University's Mellon College of Science. I believe CMU's Mellon College of Science would provide me with the knowledge and skills needed in the biomedical field.

I think using the name CMU College of Science twice is a little repetitive. It sounds a lot cleaner like this.

CMU has a well-equipped laboratory and that will be a critical factor in enabling me to gain valuable experiences. I believe these factors will not only assist me in developing my potentials but also in gaining a concrete familiarity in the field of biomedicine.

The reason I consider this an important aspect arises out of my cross-cultural educational experiences.
This is good, but it may seem a little random since you never mention it again after that. I don't think the essay will loose or gain by missing this sentence (unless you decide to elaborate on it).

It was good but you use "CMU" a lot throughout the essay. It might be hard trying to find another word or phrase to replace it, but I think it'll make your essay a lot better if you did that. Good luck with Carnegie Mellon! :]

Thanks!
I think this is one of the hardest essays, not only requiring research, but concise thinking and I aint that good at transition, so this was a nightmare.

==>The reason I consider this an important aspect arises out of my cross-cultural educational experiences.

I know this sounds random. But, I think it goes well with my other common app essay and additional statement. So I will put that as a 'maybe change'. I agree I should add a sentence or two.

Ive also thought about replacing CMU with something else, but I guess it wouldnt matter too much, so I skipped that to revise other essays.

What do you think?

Oh yeah, Thanks again! Good Luck to you as well! I hope you can get into Cornell, or your #1 choice!

That first paragraph is very weak! It should have another sentence or two to express a clear, meaningful thesis statement for the essay. Also, the "pretty colors" part should be replaced with a more grownup phrase, such as "dynamic alchemy."

Express a main theme in that first paragraph, right at the end, so as the reader moves on to paragraph 2, s/he understands the direction you are going with the essay.

Sounds like a brochure:
It is a known fact that CMU has educated some of the brightest minds of our time from James Gosling to Charles Wilson.

Sounds like avery other admissions essay ever written:
I believe CMU's Mellon College of Science would provide me with the knowledge and skills needed in...

The Steve reilly part is weak, too. the way to make this powerful is to express to the reader what is unique about you and your outlook for the future, the specific "personality" of your potential in this field, and then explain why your unique interests in this field, and your specific intentions, make this school better than the other possible schools.

Just be honest and ask yourself why this school is better for you than other schools. Make the reader understand that you have a plan you are carrying out and that Carnegie Mellon is an important part of that plan.

[Moved from]: UMich Short Ans.-wt. led to acad. interest-Biochemistry and sister's illness

I feel as if I am reading more about your sister and her condtion than learning about you. You are applying, so the admission would want to know what kind of person you are. You need to talk more about you and why you had chose this major. What you can say is how your sister highly influeneced you to pick your major-maybe you find it facinating or maybe help her one day. Also, to take an extra step, you can mention how you would pursue your major at the university, they tend to like that.

I feel lost. Two opposite perspectives. Can anyone else help out?

Replies

Susan: Thanks for the help on grammar and support.

happyhourman: I know what you mean, but I already have over 250 words.. Also, I'm not sure even if I add some of the reasonable options you have listed are related to the prompt, as it specifically says 'what' (an experience?) led me to choose the area, but not why I chose to take it at UMich. But, I agree that I haven't told the AO much about me besides my choice of interest and the reasons. Maybe some help on what to add about me? Personalities? More importantly, where to add it and what to cut?

Hi!

okay first, i dont know much about biochem.
second, here are my thoughts.
1. The essay tells the reader what led you to choose biochem. But it does not show much of your PERSONAL INTEREST in the subject. Okay, your sister's condition (which I'm sorry about) led you to delve deeper into it, and you like the swirly colors. But what INSIDE of you makes you want to do it? I don't really know how to express myself with this, but there just seems to be more of just plain curiosity and wanting to know more in the field of biochem than a real deep set passion for the subject.

2. the link between your sister's condition and your choice of academic pursuit is there. but i'm not sure if that's really considered an interest.

3. i have no idea if you get what I'm trying to say. generally, inject more personal passion/feeling into the essay. one key thing i constantly remind myself to do (though my reminders dont always work) is to show, not tell. lots of people have said this before, but it is hard to do. but it's great amazing wonderful that you have that info about your sister in the essay. it really adds a whole level of commitment to the field.

go for it! i'm applying umich too! :D

Thanks, and yes I know what you mean.
I finally taste what is missing from this dish, I mean essay.
Maybe I'll cut a bit(dunno what, yet) and try adding something about my compellence towards my sister (as a brother's responsibility?) and the subject as well, combining 2 as 1.

I'm going to sleep, so maybe I'll give some feedback for your essay tomorrow.
Oh, and Good Luck for Michigan too! See you there? haha.

I SURE HOPE SO. haha! yes that would be a good idea, to add something about your feelings for your sister (brotherly of course). it would be firstly more touching and secondly more believable that her condition influenced you so greatly.

Totally makeover, please help improve one last time

This is a lot better but i have to clarify


First, Her experience has compelled me to help improve her condition .

Second, Her experience has compelled me to help improve her conditions. This has propelled me... -> "compelled" and "propelled" in 2 adjacent sentences makes me feel like there are too many "pelled"s. use another word, like driven .

Third, to become a medical doctor and pursuing Biochem seems like 2 different paths altogether. Are you sure you want to be a medical doctor? or a medical researcher? because from what I know, people who study biochem are more likely to be researchers, whereas doctors study MEDICINE.

yes, I am sure. I know what you mean, I like most parts of Biology, but especially metabolism and hormone changes. I also like Chemistry, but mostly Organic Chemistry, so I guess Biochem would be right for me. One more thing is that, I heard and double checked, undergrads major doesnt affect the doctor path as long as I do well on the tests. But, thanks for asking.