Journalism or Traditionalism? / CommonApp Personal Statement

Hello again! This site has certainly helped me before, so I bring you my essay here. I'd like to have this essay torn apart and completely overhauled.

(By the way, this essay is indeed for the CommonApp)...

I chose this prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

As an Arab Muslim, I know the importance of culture, for it defines a person. My heritage is something I value, amidst all the recent denunciations of those who practice my religion. I am a well-mannered, intellectual young Muslim woman, and I have practiced my faith and the society in which my faith subjugates. The clash lies between my culture and from what I believe is best for my future: to become a journalist. This choice strays from the accepted occupation for Muslim women, and my parents held on to that idea for a while. My plans for the future are to become the best person I am able to become, regardless of the ties of customs that may hold me back. It was my job to have my parents realize my life was not just another stereotype.

My parents placed high hopes for my future to consist of medicine and pharmacy. They believed it was the best job and career to pursue as a Muslim woman as I would be able to boast a wonderful paycheck that would allow my finances not to be an issue. However, I found that being another doctor was not the right decision for me. My talents stem from all subjects, but my passion strongly stood in writing and speaking. I wanted my voice to be heard, and not just through my prescriptions to patients. Journalism is a career that will bring forth the best of my abilities. This major is what that I believe suits me the most, but to my parents, journalism is a 'fad' career, much like singing or becoming an astronaut is to most children. I had to show them, especially my father, that there is a wide scope of successful careers outside of medicine, including journalism.

Convincing my parents was a challenge of its own. I provided facts from the hours of research I conducted as well as the many successes of current journalists. As challenging as it was, through the multiple disputes and even the questioning of my Islamic beliefs, I won the battle. To diverge from the normality of tradition and beliefs in the Islamic realm is not without its hardships, and for now, the most unremitting challenges are still to come.

Journalism gives me the opportunity to voice my concerns, ideas and perspective, things I cannot share with others in any other way. With pen, paper, and power of the press, I will report what citizens deserve to know; the war against hypocritical news-makers and broadcasters will be fought with an iron fist. I must take an active role in my future.

In order to steer this generation, consisting of those who source their knowledge from media coverage, on the right path, I need to find the best way to discover the truth through a proper education in journalism. As a prospective student, I find my insatiable desire to pursue journalism one that fuels my entire being, and for this reason, I will face any hardship to reach my goal as a broadcaster to the world.

Hi,
As an Arab Muslim, I know the importance of culture, for it is the basis of a person. I am especially proud of being what I am, amidst all the recent denunciations to those who present themselves as practicing Muslims. ... I think this is a strong statement, very good.

For the first sentence I suggest;
As an Arab Muslim, I understand the importance and value of one's culture which forms the base for him or her.

I believe in the foundations I have grown with, and I have proved myself again and again a well-mannered, intellectual young Muslim woman, and I have practiced my faith and the society in which my faith subjugates (I think you are using this verb the wrong way... do you mean "is subjugated?" That does not seem correct either. Try to reword it for clarity.


I assume this means they stopped discouraging you? Do not let gender oppression from less sophisticated times hold you back from achieving your dreams in the 21st century. That would be a tragedy.

My plans for the future are to become the best (add noun here) I am able to become, regardless of the ties of customs that may hold me back, so it was my job to (persuade my parents to?) agree with my major and my decision.

I found my talents stem from all subjects, but my passion stood in writing and speaking.--- brilliant. I recognize that talent as I read this.

As I read the last paragraph, I am certain that you will be accepted everywhere this essay is read. It's as good as college essays get. Look to the future, and be aware of how times are changing -- it was not that long ago that women in India were expected to commit sati if their husbands died, and it was not that long ago in human history that women were burned as witches... and in conservative Christianity and Islam it is common to expect women to, as is said in Christianity, be obedient to the husband just as the church is obedient to god, and that the husband is to love the wife just as god loves the church. This is clearly gender oppression! And in Islam the women have to wear a burqa for modesty? That would be fine if men did it, too, but they do not. Religion is okay, but gender oppression is not okay, and I hope you do all that is necessary to assert yourself.