I'm from a Kazakh family; My college Essay

Hello everybody

This is my college essay, critique it. For the most part I have a teacher for the grammatical corrections so I would like to hear your opinions regarding the content.

College Essay First Draft

I was only two years old. A son of Kazakh students in St. Petersburg, Russia about to start my first day of kindergarten not knowing a single word in Russian, and being a bit scared of this new culture I am about to encounter. Little did I know that it would not be the last time I had to adapt to different surroundings and as a result become more enriched as a person.

Even though my father joked that my family's constant moving is only natural due to the fact that we're Kazakhs( a historically nomadic group of people), It was very difficult for me at first. Being perceived as the "other" everywhere I went including my native Kazakhstan was not only hard for me to take, but it was also creating a sort of "personality disorder" in me, I constantly asked myself "Who am I?". However as I got older with the help of my family I have been able to accept this diverse experience as something that is positive. I realized that while being in different places I was enriching my knowledge, and my character. Throughout my kindergarten years I picked up the Russian language which I still remember to this day. After going back to Kazakhstan I was also able to "reclaim" my native language, and culture solidifying my self-identification. During my first stay in America I was able to quickly learn the English language, and then my diverse knowledge helped me to excel in my education. I realized that I was "different" not because that there was something wrong with me, but because I had many unique experiences to draw from and compare with. Living with people of different ethnic groups, social classes, and background has had an impact on me as my views were widened by people as different as night and day, thus by having many experiences to compare to I have been able to make more thorough choices in my life.

Due to the fact that I traveled throughout three different continents, I developed a natural infatuation with the history of the world, and its different cultures. Because of that I am always open to sharing my cultural, or any other experiences with other people, while also having my natural curiosity to explore and learn from people about something new. Because of knowing people of many opinions and mentalities, I realize that people are different and I am always open to learning something different and new from other people. Since throughout my life I frequently had to adapt to foreign environments, I am very comfortable with a community that I am not familiar with, and I will quickly absorb everything that I can in order to get comfortable.

Being of a different background, and thus sometimes being labeled as "different" or "other" was not always comfortable to me. To this day whenever I am asked to fill the race box I struggle due to not being able to relate to any category. However, I learned to accept my uniqueness, and hope to acquire even more unique experiences.

I guess you have written this as an answer for a college application. It's better if you tell us the prompt so that we could give more relevant comments to you :)


.... son of Kazakh students? ... do you mean your father was a Kazakh student? ... It sounds a bit confusing and also this sentence sounds a bit exaggerated when you try to explain your feelings as a two year old. There is a question how you would remember what happened when you were two years. : (

Also this sentence is a bit too long and wish you had split it to two;

Hi Dumi
Yes, this is for the college application, and this is the importance of diversity essay question. As for the two year old comments, strangely I do remember how I felt, but I guess I could alter that part. If you mind would you say that this essay says a lot about me or is it too whiny?

origins, in my opinion, my physical...


Need to punctuate between 'diversity' and 'rather'


in which I have lived


with my parents and my grandmother,


grandmother, who was central to my upbringing, taught


My father also taught me to become more connected to nature by teaching me how to ride horses


Influenced by her upbringing in the Soviet Union, name the "she"




This doesn't make sense


This sounds negative. Maybe say "Although I would certainly add racial and ethnic diversity to a college community, I prefer to share my diversity through my different experiences, views, and perspectives."


to learn and interact

Very good! You approach the topic well by showing a unique diversity (in addition to your ethnic diversity, that's diversity on top of diversity! haha)

Thanks for the help. Any advice for conclusion

for your conclusion take our your "in my opinion". And try to do less telling, the first two paragraphs were a bit too linear, show the reader. You posed a "I would" but show the change or addition you would bring.

'Kazakhstan and other places' - Rice Supplement help

Very First draft, and have to submit today. Also need help concluding

The year was 1994. I came to this world in Almaty, Kazakhstan during a time of change. After decades of Soviet dominance, the Kazakh people got their independence, and the country along with its people was transitioning into a new age. These circumstances have greatly shaped my life and my general perspectives.

Born into an interesting era of a time when everybody around you was trying to reconnect with their roots, and history has definitely rubbed off on me, as my parents took great responsibility in teaching me the culture, and the origins of my people. My childhood was spent in very contrasting ways as I would often live a very modern life, while also learning the ancient nomadic ways of Kazakhs. These exercises included horse riding and to me stressed the importance of respecting, and connecting with the nature. During social events such as weddings I was also exposed to the world of various traditions present at different celebrations. I was moved by such symbolic traditions as cutting the rope on a child's feet in order to set him "free" in his future life. These customs have made me realize that my culture contrary to some people's opinions is very complex, and "civilized". Although I spoke only Russian after being with my parents on their educational journey in St. Petersburg, it was also during this time that I regained the knowledge of the Kazakh language symbolizing the phase through which the country was going through.

Ironically, my family lives a very "nomadic" life and frequently moved inside Kazakhstan, and outside. Traveling throughout countries that ranged from Switzerland to UAE, and then moving to the United States during the start of my middle school years has left a profound effect on me as a person and my perspectives. At first this experience proved to be very difficult as I was perceived as the "other" everywhere I went including my native Kazakhstan. Although I was not limited by the language barrier my desire to always preserve something from all of the places I have been at created a lack of sense of belonging was resulting in a personality disorder as I thoroughly pondered about what my "true" identity was. With time however I learned that my diverse experiences in different parts of the world only enriched me.

Being in different places has exposed to varied settings, and ideas allowing to my view of the world to broaden. These experiences have given me more options to compare to due to knowing many differing lifestyles, and cultures. I would greatly appreciate to be in a culturally diverse and experience enriching community such as Rice University.

I would be able to contribute to the community in Rice with both my cultural, and life experiences. I would be open to share the details of the Kazakh culture, while also being eager to learn about many other cultures present at Rice University. I would also be eager to share my experiences from my life in Kazakhstan, and other countries by being able to discuss topics ranging from the cultural wealth of Istanbul to the urban sprawl of the western world.