I am keen to develop essential design skills via Oshman Engineering Design Kitchen - Rice University

Hi, everyone. This is a why school essay for Rice University! I appreciate for any kind of help:)

With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study. (150 word limit)

Seeking an unconventional and personalized education, I was deeply attracted to the George R. Brown School of Engineering.
With the comprehensive course series which equip me with various analytic techniques and academic supports, I am keen to develop essential design skills via Oshman Engineering Design Kitchen(OEDK). The fusion of creating projects into engineering curriculum will further broaden my ability to deploy solutions to real-world engineering challenges. And the FabShops held by OEDK could maximize my potential to turn ideas into physical realities.

[...]

Seeking an unconventional and personalized education, I was deeply attracted to the George R. Brown School of Engineering. It feels as though you cut off the rest of your thought. Try adding a second sentence here for transitional purposes.

With the comprehensive course series the University provides, which equip me with various analytic techniques and academic supports, I am keen to develop essential design skills via the Oshman Engineering Design Kitchen(OEDK). The fusion of creating projects into engineering curriculum will further broaden my ability to deploy solutions to real-world engineering challenges; not to mention the FabShops held by OEDK could maximize my potential to turn ideas into physical realities. Great points! It's good you're talking about how the school's actual programs could help you and it shows a knowledge about the University.

Moreover word choice? Moreover seems out of place. Typically it doesn't begin a paragraph so it seems odd (though not incorrect) , I would like to well- groom myself in other important fields such as global perspective and leadership in the Rice Center of Engineering Leadership(RCEL). Having an internship experience in my junior year, I am eager to grab a more challenging and prestigious internship opportunity in RECL.

With its many programs and opportunities available , the George R. Brown School of Engineering is definitely the ideal place that will empower me to thrive as an engineer and lead at the front-line of making a difference for the world.

Nicole, I hope you don;t mind my rewriting your statement. I felt I could better shorten it that way :-)

I was attracted to the unconventional and personalized education that the school of engineering offers. The uniqueness of the Oshman Engineering Design Kitchen and fusion of engineering projects in the curriculum leads me to believe that I will be able to develop my essential engineering skills and problem solution deployment abilities in real world engineering settings. More importantly, the FabShops held by OEDK will allow me to reach my full potential by allowing me to turn my ideas into physical realities. Furthermore, the Rice Center of Engineering and Leadership is an internship experience that I know will groom me into an engineering leader at the forefront of engineering breakthroughs.

I hope that this 109 word count is acceptable to you. I tried to keep the essence of your original essay in the rewrite :-)

-Nicole, never end your statement or essay with a question. You need to conclude the statement remember? This way it sounds like you are opening up the discussion in another avenue.

Now, about the long sentences. There are times when that is acceptable such as when you are writing a statement. Specially when you are trying to create connections between the ideas that you need to present in the quickest possible manner. You don't have the time for paragraph development in a statement so the long sentences are what we call a necessary evil :-)

Hi, Vangiespen! I agree with your comment.
The blue portion is my revised conclusion. But this conclusion is not very strong in my view...
And I think my why essay is quite boring... Do you feel it too? Maybe the essay lacks some vivid description.
i have an idea that maybe I could add some feelig that I sit in a hall in the engineering school and listen to the class. Does this idea sound okay?

[...] More importantly, the Rice Center of Engineering and Leadership(RCEL) provides unparalleled internship opportunities that I know will groom me into a leader at the forefront of engineering breakthroughs. With all the above, the George R. Brown School of Engineering is definitely the ideal place that will empower me to thrive as an engineer and lead at the front-line of making a difference to the world.

Nicole, statements are not meant to be entertaining. These are supposed to be pointed comments that answer the question being asked. So you don't need to get creative about how you present your answer. Just present it direct to the point. That is why a word count limitation was placed on the statement. They don't need a flowery answer, just an answer. What you added in blue us not really necessary. Remember, you are not supposed to commit to attending the university. By adding that statement, you will be violation the essay prompt because you will be committing to attending the university, which is not required. Once you remove the sentence you added at the end the statement in my opinion, will be ready to use :-)

Hi, Vangiespen. Okay, I would delete the last sentence right now! Your answer is quite inspiring. I gain a new perspective that other "why essays" should be also present directly the reasons that I want to attend into that university.

Now, I think I should move on to other essays. By the way, I have already re-opened my thread about personal quirk!
Thank you again for your suggestion and revision! :)