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I have keen interest in farming - a story that tells my identity.



Hemc 1 / -  
Dec 7, 2013   #1
I want to apply for Cornell University. My english is not very good as englsih is not my first language.If I can make my essay excellent there is high possibility for my admission. Please help me. I want to study in Cornell University to get best agriculture education and help my country's education develop.

The question is-Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

The essay goes like this.[...]

Girishgautams 2 / 5  
Dec 7, 2013   #2
the essay is good however you can start your essay with some general statement which will attract the reader more and also by this way it is easy for the reader to understand the essay. Do not use 'i' in every sentence. rest is fine. keep writing. we all are here to learn and we can only succeed by helping each other.
Lydmeister 6 / 17  
Dec 7, 2013   #3
Hemc

I have had a keen interest in farming since my childhood. For future, I wantedMy dream is to become an educated farmer. That is what makesmade me study hard from the beginning of my school life. I was one of the best in studiesstudents in my school. Therefore, I expected score above 90% in School Leaving Certificate Examination. But unfortunately, I scored only 81% in SLC which is not very good.(something like this maybe : Thus, I was disappointed when I only scored an 81% on the School Leaving Certificate Examination. I had expected to do much better. Because of this score, I was rejected by the prestigious high schools of my choice. This reality was unacceptable to me . I got frustrated. My family put pressure on me to join high school before it iswas too late. So,Frustrated and left with no other choice left , I had to choosechose A-Levels which is not considered good option--a less than admirable option in my country.

I felt like I haveas though I had drifted away from the path of my dream. Thinking that I could not achieve anything from study-even if I study hard-Feeling that my education, regardless of how much effort I exerted, would be fruitless I gradually lost interest in studyin my studies . InsideIn school, I was notoriously famous as a leader of the group that regularly bunked classes, broke school rules, and disrespected teacher. Outside school I was even worse.My family did not support me as I was neglecting studies. I was in a bad company.Take great care to avoid putting the blame on others. It makes you sound irresponsible to admissions staffI was nobody, alone and lonelyI was lost and alone . I had lostgiven up hope. Many negative thoughts came in my mind. I myself lead my life towards darkness. My life was miserable.My life became a miserable one full of darkness.

A Few months past liked that. One day, one of my school friendsa friend of mine suggested me tothat I participate in a spiritual course conducted by the Art of Living organization. At first I refused, but hearing his experience of the course I thought to give it a try. When a person is in darkness, even a small glimpse of light attracts that person. So was I.<-- not grammatically correct or appropriate in this context In the course, I gotgained spiritual knowledge and wisdom. I also learned ways tomethods of mediations and yoga. After a month, I participated in other programs of Art of Living. I learned ways toof deep mediations and high class yoga with much deeper spiritual knowledge. Regular practice of mediations and yoga help me to bring positiveness in my life. It helped me to view life from different prospective. I also knew that there are people with much more difficulties in life, and there is a solution to every problem. We fail in life but that is not the end of life; we are above the problems.Something like:Failure is not definitive; we have the capability to overcome obstacles through perseverance. I regained myselfmy self[ respect and self esteem. Art of L iving helped meto develop my overall personality and become a more mature individual .
Once again, I have ahad hope that I could fulfill my childhood dream can be fulfilled . I studied harder than before and scored good grades in A-levels. I am now ready to face any challenges in my life as I have knowledge and wisdom. As a citizen of Nepal, I want to bring development intothe agriculture system of my country. I want to study agriculture science and bring an agricultural revolution. If a better agriculture system is developed thanthen the living standard of people here will increase and poverty will decrease. That is the reason I want to get best education available in agriculture and chosehave chosen U.S.A. for higher studies.

Hi there!
I did my best to fix some of the grammar mistakes and unclear wording. Hopefully I didn't leave much out. As for the longer phrases I corrected, they are just suggestions. You should play with the wording so that it's your own voice. Good luck!
dumi 1 / 6795  
Dec 24, 2013   #4
The question is-Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Ok...

I have keen interest in farming since my childhood. For future, I wanted to become educated farmer.

Well... this task is about talking something that is so central to your identity. I feel you have good contents here to respond to that prompt, but they seem to be scattered too much. It seems you keep changing one idea to another pretty fast. First you talked about your ambition and the effort you put for that in vain. Then you said about your inclination towards spiritual side to escape from that pressure. That's all good, but I think you need to connect them a bit more strongly. Your English writing skills are not bad. I don't find grammar issues here. It is the first paragraph you need to attend more carefully. Build up the story line to be read more interesting. Yes, I find your story which is central to identity, but you have lots of potential to polish it further :)


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